Madness Photo...

I thought I would share the madness with you. This is the test's today... Left to right

1 - 24/12/14 - 11dp3dt (First wee of the day)

2 - 26/12/14 - 13dp3dt (First wee of the day)

3 - 27/12/14 - 14dp3dt (First wee of the day)

4 - 27/12/14 - 14dp3dt (First wee of the day)

5 - 27/12/14 - 14dp3dt  Pregnant 2-3 weeks ( 3.50pm) Answer disappears in 24 hours, so looks here. 

6 - 28/12/14 - 15dp3dt (5pm - ish)

7 - 29/12/14 - 16dp3dt (Second wee of the day)

Here is a close up of the Digi - sorry it's a bit blurry.

I have one more digital test, which I am going to try and hold out and take on Friday/Saturday. That will be the last one, but at 5 weeks, I hope to see 3+ on the screen. 

Then I will hide the purse, stay out of the shops and relax....

The truth behind IVF....

Naively, I thought once we had a positive test, I would be elated...and I am. However it is tinged by worry. Worry that the pregnancy won't progress. Worry that I don't ''feel'' pregnant.

I know that if the worst happens, it happens. Nothing I can say, do or feel will have any bearing on that. So I am trying to stay calm, and enjoy each day. But sometimes I wonder if I am enjoying something that isn't there.

I have know for 6 days now that we are pregnant. I also have 7 tests to prove it. I used to read posts on BC about people that do loads of tests. I thought they were mad. I would often think, ''your pregnant, a line is a line!!''

However, when you are in that position, it is difficult to believe.

To sum up IVF..

• You spend months waiting for treatment, worrying that it will go wrong, or you won't react to the drugs.
• Then, when treatment starts, you spend a few weeks worrying you won't get enough good eggs.
• Then after egg collection, you worry that the eggs won't fertilise
• Then after your next day call, you worry your embryo's won't progress
• After your transfer, you worry whether the embryo's are implanting
• After you have passed the implantation window, you worry about whether you are pregnant.

After all of that, you would think a positive test will bring a breath of relief. Ha!! 

So now you worry about each twinge, about each feeling, about your 'symptoms' disappearing, about the line not being strong enough, about your HCG levels.. you count down each day with a desire to know what is happening inside your uterus. 

So at the beginning of last week, I was really poorly. I had an upset tummy and felt really sick. (for an emetophobic that isn't a great thing to feel!). I was completely off food, managed to have toast and cereal and a few bites of my dinner each evening. Hubby told me it was pregnancy related, I thought it may be a bug. The symptoms lessened, but continued until Saturday, so I thought maybe hubby was right. After all, a bug lasting 5 days is a long bug. But Sunday, nothing. Monday, nothing. So after moaning about feeling ill, I'm now worrying that I feel better.

I have mild nausea occasionally, sore boobs, a bad back each afternoon, and the occasional twinge and hot flush. My appetite has increased since being poorly. But I don't ''feel'' pregnant. I am 4 weeks and 6 days. Still early. Many people do not get symptoms until about 6 weeks, but still. 

So, today we go to the clinic to collect some more progesterone pessaries. We will get to book in for our scan. I am hoping they will reassure me somewhat. 

I am not anxious, what will be will be, I am not sad or panicking. I am just a parent. I am a mummy and I am worried about my baby(ies). But, I am excited also. Excited that in 8 months, I should have my baby(ies) in my arms. In a few weeks I should see baby or babies on the screen. In 8 weeks I should have my 12 week scan. It is all so exciting and I am so so grateful. 

Our first ever BFP!

So we tested yesterday (Christmas Eve) at 11dp3dt and got a BFP (Big Fat Positive)

It still hasn't really sunk in...it's feels so surreal. I am totally over the moon, and hubby is like a bottle of pop! 

I have been poorly with a bad tummy and nausea, and not sure if it is pregnancy (that sounds proper weird!!) or a tummy bug, but feel so much better today. I am managing the nausea now with Rennie. 

I also have some twinges and a back ache. But trying to take it all in my stride. 

We have told family and close friends. We have decided that we are extremely lucky to get to this point, and I pray and hope that the pregnancy continues, however if it doesn't at least we would have enjoyed every moment we could. 

Now we will test again tomorrow and Saturday, and then notify the clinic, where we will be notified of our viability scan. 

So below is a photo of our first BFP. We are pregnant! We are having a baby. After 5 years, 2 IVF cycles, and many tears, we have got one step forward. What a wonderful Christmas. For all those still waiting, please have hope. It is a long journey, it is a bloomin' hard journey...but it's well worth it. 

Spreading baby dust to you all and wishing you a very Merry Christmas xx

Time has stopped...

Or that is how it feels anyway!

I am 9dp3dt today, and if Holly and Ivy are still going strong, then today is the 2nd day that the HCG hormone is being produced. I hope, and feel hopeful that something is happening. I certainly don't feel myself. I have lots of symptoms that could be pregnancy related, however the horrible progesterone pessaries could also be the culprit.

I have cramps on and off, but I am trying really hard to ignore them. I am exhausted all the time and feel queasy a lot. That is just to name a few. There are more, but are they all in my head.

I guess time will tell. I am further down the line this time, and for me, that is wonderful.

Only 2 more sleeps!

Is it Friday yet?

Yep, as expected, there is now 36 hours in each of my days. An hour is now made up of 90 minutes, and I am wishing each second away.

So we are 4dp3dt (4 days past a 3 day transfer) and I just want to go to sleep and wake up next week.

I have a slight UTI, so am drinking lots of water and lots of Cranberry juice. Watching repeat episodes of Friends and talking to Holly and Ivy (the embryo's!)

I have sore boobs, mild cramping and tiredness. Yesterday I had a funny taste in my mouth. But i'm not symptom spotting in the slightest!!!

We have a week until we will take the first test. It is also my wonderful friend's 12 week scan on Christmas Eve so I am hoping for a double whammy!!

Just thought I would keep you in the know...I am now about to brave the dark grey skies and walk the dog...wish me luck!!

Eating for 3....

Okay, they are only small, but they need the extra food right??

I have been really useless again. I keep thinking, I need to update blog, but on busy days, I just check emails etc through my phone, and I haven't got the patience to write a blog post on my phone.

So my last post was on Egg Collection day. We had the call the next day. Out of our 6 eggs, 3 had fertilised, giving us 3 embryo's. I was a little disappointed I must say, but we were lucky to have those three. I have had lots of lovely people reminding me that they are the strong ones!!

The next wait was until day 3, when they would update me on their progress and we would find out if we were having a day 3 or day 5 transfer.

The couple of days after the Egg Collection were quite painful, I waddled rather than walking, and was so tired.

On the Saturday morning (day 3) I had a call to say out of my 3 embryo's I was a grade 1 (on a scale of 1-5, 1 being the best), one was a grade 2, and one was a grade 5. I was asked to come down that day for a transfer. 2 hours later, I was sat in a lovely gown, waiting to be reunited with my embryo's.

The embryologist came to talk to me, and said that the grade 5 embryo had arrested, so there were only 2 left. They advised transferring both, despite them being good quality.

So within the hour, my embies were back with mummy and I was keeping them warm. The transfer seemed to set off more pain, and I have quite a lot of low sharp pains, but today at 3dp3dt (7 days past Egg Collection) I am feeling much more normal.

Of course the progesterone has decided to give me cramps and other lovely side effects, but I know that it is far to early for it to be anything other than the progesterone.

Today (everything crossed) the embryo's will hatch out of their shell and begin to attach to the uterine wall. All being well, one or both will start their implantation journey very soon.

Please keep everything crossed for me xxx

Eggs Galore..

Ok, so I was useless this week in keeping you updated. Things have been busy, so I haven't turned on the computer. The main reason though is probably because my emotions have been all over the place, and I just couldn't find the words to write.

So, on Friday last week my dose was upped to 400. My follicles had shown growth, but still not enough. It was going to be very tight. I had 5 follicles that were large enough, the others will still catching up.  I was given a lifeline. Would I go ahead with the EC, but out of the eggs that were collected, were I donate at least 4 to my recipient. Even if it meant just one for us. That meant the cycle wouldn't be cancelled. I didn't even need to think about it. Go for it, and have a chance, or leave it and have a cancelled cycle.

This meant over the weekend the pressure was off ( a little) and all I had to do was focus on my eggs.

You can imagine my suprise when I went back on Monday with 13 follicles over the 14mm line, and 3 at 13mm, with 1 slightly behind that. 17 in total! What a turn around!

With my Egg Collection paperwork in hand, I went home to do my trigger shot. Tuesday I had a day off from all my medication.

At 6.30am today we braved the cold and left for the clinic. With a packed lunch, (I was determined not to faint like last time)my dressing gown and slippers and my pot of baby dust (supplied by a special friend) we got to our destination for 8am.

We went through forms, I got into a hideous gown, and was supplied with my pain relief. (Beautiful pessaries that we IVF ladies call 'Bum bullets' (someone remind me what dignity is?) Then we waited. This time I took a magazine and my book. This was in a bid to keep me calm and collected...HA!

The Anesthetist came to put my cannula in...and my veins had done a runner. So that took a good 20 minutes. Then after some more reading, and threatening to jump out of the window, I was taken down to the treatment room. I confirmed my details, talked a bit about Christmas and Woooosh...I was gone.

I woke back up and was so excited that it was all done and I was alive, that my pulse was raised. But as I calmed down, so did my pulse.

I ate my lunch, had some tea, and eventually, after 2 and a half hours in recovery, I got dressed and went home.

So.....we ended up with 11 eggs! A perfect number. We keep 6, and 5 will go to the recipient, and hopefully she will have the best Christmas ever.

I am so pleased, and know that we have made the right decision. I have given an amazing gift, and in return, we have 6 of our own little eggs.

Now I will sit on the sofa, sleep a little, and tomorrow we will find out how many got jiggy and fertilised.....

Positive thoughts please...

So I had second scan today. Mum came with me for moral support. I was feeling quite positive, I had lots of twinges, was quite uncomfortable and thought we should be on track.

The lovely nurse was quiet through the scan and said she would explain everything afterwards. Talk about suspense!

As I am Egg Sharing, I need a minimum on 10 follicles, which all need to be 10mm to be seen as viable.

So, I have 6 follicles measuring above 10mm. I have 4 follicles that are on their way. They look like they are responding, but are still not big enough to be counted. Then I have some teeny ones that are clearly sleeping....

So up goes the Gonal F....to 350!! I cannot believe it! I really thought we would do good this time. My body just doesn't respond as it is expected to.

We are back on Friday, but it looks like Egg Collection may be the Wednesday instead of the Monday, for a little extra growing time.

The nurse was great, but she really can't say whether we will get there or not. We just need to have hope.

So I am asking all my family, friends and lovely readers to keep your fingers crossed, hope or say a prayer for us....

I would really like to meet our baby....

Keep growing Eggs!

It has been exactly a week since I posted. I had hoped to write every day with my progress. Problem is, come 7pm, I am shattered and just want to lie on the sofa and shut out the world!

The increase in drugs has really put me on edge, and I have been a nervous wreck...will I get too many eggs? Will I have enough eggs to egg share? Will my Egg Collection be cancelled due to OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) In hindsight, I should probably just relax and take each day as it comes. 

The injecting itself has been fine, just like last time, after the first one, you feel like a pro! I have felt twinges very early on this time, which is a good sign something is happening, but the tiredness has hit me. 

I had my first Stimms scan yesterday to check my progress. I was nervous, as my first scan last cycle was the quite negative. Last time on my first scan, I had 11 follicles, but none had done much growing and were very small. So... 

This time, we have 8 follicles that are measurable, and 12 tiny ones yet to respond. My drugs are remaining at 275, and I am back tomorrow for a scan. We need 10 good sized follicles to egg share, so hopefully we are close. Nothing is set in stone, but we can hope. It is certainly better than last time! 

I am feeling more positive today. I have my lovely eggs growing away, and I really hope one will result in our miracle baby. 

It would be great if my lovely lady gets her miracle too....come on eggies, grow, grow, grow! 

I will be back tomorrow with an update! 

Ready, Steady....GO!!

So a date with Dildocam (sorry, an internal scan) today showed that my lining is thin, my ovaries look good and we are ready to go.

Tomorrow night I will administer my first injection in my second cycle. A huge dosage of 275, compared to the 150 of Gonal F last time. I will inject daily and then go for my first 'stimms' scan on Monday.

It took nearly 2 hours to get to the clinic, the traffic was terrible, so my nerves were able to build. But it was all for nothing as everything is fine.

I am still finding it hard to comprehend that we could be pregnant by Christmas, but I am trying to stay positive.

So I have upped my water intake, started eating more protein, am taking all my supplements, drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating avocado, eggs and Brazil nuts. I don't know whether it helps, but it can't hurt.

For now, I will leave you with this...

Here I go.....

So the good news is that today was the beginning of IVF journey number 2.

I'm being silly...there isn't any bad news really but....ouch!

If you had have asked me yesterday if I was good with pain, I would have said yes. I thought I had a high pain threshold. However, I have a different opinion today. I knew it would be 'uncomfortable' but most people say it isn't that bad.

So we got to the clinic after taking 2 paracetamol and 2 high strength ibuprofen. The consultant was dealing with an emergency, so we made ourselves comfy on the sofa's. Hubby had a hot chocolate and I sat contemplating whether to run for the door!!

After a while, we went upstairs and had a chat about any concerns, then we got down to business. It took a few minutes once all set up. Maybe about 1 minute of scratching. Afterwards it was about 30 minutes of very strong period pain. Unfortunately, maybe due to pain, maybe due to nerves, just like after egg collection, I stood up, went white and the room started to spin. Luckily, I managed to lie down before gravity got the better of me. After a very sweet cup of tea sat in recovery, I made my slowly downstairs whilst hubby went to fetch the car.

After about 40 minutes, I was tender and twingy, but much, much better. The good thing is that the pain doesn't last long.

Hubby has been a saint and really looked after me, and I am now getting very excited about the onset of this cycle.

Tonight, after my lovely dinner, I wolfed down my Folic Acid, Sanatogen Mother To Be, Omega 3,  Flaxeed, Co Q10, B Complex, Zinc and Royal Jelly. Don't ask me what they do...I don't really know.

Every little helps eh!

So tomorrow I take the pill, then we wait. Next week will be busy!!

Just a quick note to anyone having the scratch...I don't want to scare anyone. Yes it hurts.... but sat here now, it is all over, and apart from being a bit tender, I am fine. I am proud of myself for doing it and so glad I did. I know that I am doing everything I can for my embies to survive this time!!

I am going to settle down and chill now, so over and out my lovely readers..

Apprehension..

...and nerves, and excitement, and concern, and panic, and happiness... oh my, I am like a whirlwind of emotions. 

Tomorrow we will make the journey to the clinic to have the 'Endometrial Scratch'. I know, I can see you wincing already. Everyone does. I think the name says it all. 

I will have a small, thin catheter inserted. They will then scratch away at my lining. This encourages new cells to grow, and hopefully aiding implantation. They say it shouldn't be too painful...I am yet to believe this. 

I am not scared of the procedure. I will endure a little bit of pain for the blessing of a baby. 

I am scared of this cycle. I am so excited too, don't get me wrong. I am so lucky to get this chance. But I am scared of it all going wrong. I am scared of a BFN (big fat negative) at Christmas. 

Once I get back into the clinic, I know I will feel more positive. One day, our baby will be on their wall of fame. 

This needs to work...I have a special friend reserving my Mum and Baby parking space at the shopping mall!! 

I will be back tomorrow to update you on my adventures! 

Big boxes of excitement..

It's not very often we get to be excited over a big box of drugs!

Today, a lovely gentleman dropped of 2 boxes...one big, one small. It marks the start for me. My drugs are now chillin' in the fridge!! The big box had iced containers in, and just had my three small boxes hiding in the middle!

 All feels very real now! Less than a week until the Endometrial Scratch (gulp...) and then it is all go, go, go...

Went shopping yesterday with my mum...only for food, however we had a walk around some lovely Christmas lines shops and I now feel much more excited that Christmas is on it's way!! 

A friend in need...

I had a call this morning ... my drugs are being delivered on Thursday! The lovely lady explained that the Gonal F and Orgalutran will need to be refrigerated. It was like deja vu.

It is a week tomorrow until the Endometrial Scratch. Gulp. It it all getting very close.

I am having problems accepting that this might work. I have experienced the disappointment and hurt of a failed cycle, and I am so scared of experiencing that again. My heart goes out to all those ladies/couples that go through multiple failed cycles. Imagine getting a bad injury after doing an activity, that took a while to heal, that caused a lot of pain. Then imagine the apprehension of having to do that activity again. Without knowing if you will end up with the same injury.

I have also found that to my non IVF friends, this is all getting a bit old. I don't talk about me, me, me. Unless people ask, I keep quiet. However, last time, I had lots of support. People asked about the treatment, they were curious, they were excited. This time, it almost feels like they think it is old news.. they have heard it all before... I have no questions, there is no excitement. Realistically, they are probably worried about upsetting me, or bringing it up, when they know it failed last time. But it really helped last time, I felt I had people supporting me, behind me. I feel quite alone this time.

I love Christmas. I am that person that get's excited in September when the cards start appearing in the card shops. I am that person who shares Christmas countdown's on Facebook. I count the days down, talk about it all the time, get all warm and bubbly when the wrapping paper and pressies line the shelves in town. This year feels different.

It may be partly because we don't have much spare money, as I am not working full time....but I think it is the treatment. I am trying so, so hard to be positive, to feel that naivety that I felt before. To believe in all my heart that this will work.

Well, after one of those weeks, I had a parcel delivery. I was sort of prepared, as a lovely friend had asked for my address. When hubby brought it home from work (he keeps our post at work as the dog has a tendency to hide post in his bed, and occasionally gets hungry!!)

I opened it and had a beautiful card, with some touching words inside, a jar of baby dust, and a book... ''IVF ... An Emotional Companion'' written by Brigid Moss.

Sometimes, something happens and it completely changes your outlook on something. For the first time, It felt 'right'. This could work... it really could.

I still cant bring myself to say it will, I said this last time, and it didn't. But my wonderful friend really helped me and brought some positivity.  So, Thank You xx

So from today, as I count down the days until we start this roller-coaster again, I will do all I can to remain positive. I will remember to have hope, to stay strong and to believe in miracles...

Hope...

Hope. Something that I think is really important. But sometimes, we loose it. Sometimes we struggle to hold onto it firmly.

Other times, something happens that makes it stronger, reminds us that it is still there.

Journey's like this one require hope. You have little else. We are relying on something completely out of our control. We read every book, we can follow every suggestion...but in the end, it will either work, or it won't. So the only thing that we can do is hope.

Something happened yesterday that gave me hope. A good friend of mine ( we started talking on the forum I am on, and then met up a few weeks ago...I feel like I have known her for years now!) received her BFP. It was her first IVF cycle and after a grueling 2 week wait, she had two lines yesterday. Don't be fooled though, her journey has been as long and as difficult as everyone else's... so it really is a miracle, and amazing news.

It is often hard to hear of BFP's and pregnancy when you are still awaiting your own. But I can honestly say that I am over the moon for her...and for other fellow IVF'ers. It's not that I am not happy for everyone else, but when you have followed someone's journey through infertility, and you can totally relate to how they feel, it makes that pregnancy even more special, and easy to accept.

It gives you hope. Hope that it can work. Hope that it will work.

We take so much for granted in this world...but achieving and progressing through pregnancy, and meeting your baby at the end of it, will always be something that those dealing with infertility will never, ever take for granted.

Chugging along..

Just popping in quickly to say hello. Not much is happening this end. I am waiting to receive my plan, which will only happen when my egg sharing recipient begins her pill.

I am excited to find out when we will be having treatment and to get a plan laid out in my head.

Things are getting busy for me now, on the lead up to Christmas, particularly with my business (making sentimental gifts) You can view my gifts here...

 So as everyone is running around buying gifts, planning family get-togethers, talking about family.
I love Christmas, it is my favourite time of year. I love the songs, the lights, the tree, the food...just the whole package. But every year, it gets a little bit harder.

This Christmas will be the 5th Christmas that we have been trying to add to our little family. I want to put little presents under the tree, hang a stocking at the end of a bed. Put carrots out to amaze someone, other than myself.

Yes, yes, I put a carrot, some cocoa and a mince pie out...every year. Trouble is, when i'm wiping the cocoa from around my mouth, I get an awful feeling that Santa wasn't actually the one who drank it.

I try to keep the magic alive every year, but the truth is, without a little person to show that magic too, I just feel a bit silly.

This Christmas will be slightly different. We will be in the middle of an IVF Cycle. In fact, I think we will be in the middle of the 2WW, all being well.

We just have to pray that my egg making facilities wake up a bit sooner this time, and we are able to share this magic with a very special lady.

So maybe, just maybe, this will be our last Christmas as just the 2 of us. Exciting eh?

Whoa, here comes the train...

Okay, so our money is sat in hubby's account. We can pay for the sperm. We are cycling in December.
Aaaahhhh!

It's funny... you reach out and try and grab it... then when you finally get it, you get so scared you almost let go. I am excited to cycle again, but I cannot imagine a happy ending. I am scared to build myself up again only to get shot down. But I know that I have to do this. I have to be positive.

I cannot explain how much I want this. Christmas is going to go one way or the other.

I am one year older in January. I wonder whether I will be a mummy to be. It would be the best birthday present EVER. I would be the happiest lady on the universe.

So, the train is in the station... I have my ticket and the cases are packed. There are many stops along the way and the journey won't be easy. Sorry, what did you say? Where is it heading?

It's heading to babyville...

International Wave of Light

Tonight, at 7pm, I joined the international wave of light.

I lit 2 candles to help us remember all the beautiful babies who are no longer with us.

Sleep tight little one's xxx

Blinded by the storm..

I have been flying around in a whirlwind of emotions these last few days. The roller-coaster effect has taken off, and so much has happened and then un-happened. I am tired of being told one thing, tired of another happening, tired of feeling empty, and tired of fighting.

Monday - Accepted onto egg sharing again... but decide to find out the in's and out's of the NHS first. Call the NHS, get told the information I was given a month ago (that we would start in December) was wrong and that it would actually be March 15. Devastated. This ended in me in the middle of Starbucks, sobbing like a right idiot! Decided to see if Hubby could get a loan to cover the cost of Donor sperm... then we would egg share again. Called the clinic, they could match me straight away! Excitement!

Tuesday - Got worried about the cycle affecting our NHS cycle and called the NHS clinic. It would mean we only had 1 cycle left. That was OK, nothing lost, nothing gained. I am happy to loose a cycle if I can afford to egg share. Why should I get it, if I can use a private clinic. However, in asking questions, find out that I had again been told the wrong information, and I could indeed pay for the sperm to quicken the NHS cycle up. This would be slightly less that egg sharing, and mean we could continue with the NHS. However, the nurse's attitude hurt. She told me I was really lucky to be able to pay privately and that's why we loose a cycle.

Wednesday - Uneventful day, quite excited to go to the information day tomorrow.

Thursday - Get to the information session and it all feel's so real. Presentation was done and we got to speak to some of the staff. I wanted to confirm the sperm donor ordering etc. It was then, that I get told that we wouldn't be cycling until the New Year, due to the clinic being closed at Christmas. Gutted. Again. We have spent a very long day deciding what to do. I am so tempted to cycle this year, but know that are best chances of a successful cycle are with the NHS.


I understand the NHS have limited availability, but I have not been given the same information twice. It is hard enough, without my hopes being built up and shattered over and over again. The nurse today treated me like a number. I think she thinks I am being a pushy patient with money who can buy this and that in order to move forward. If only she knew the truth. We owe money, we are borrowing more money. My husband worked 60 hours last week to try and up our income. We are just normal middle class people. Neither parents have disposable income or savings. We have always lived for the day. We have been trying for a baby for 4 years. It is all I focus on. It is all I can think about. We have been on their waiting list for 19 months, and it will be almost two years when we cycle. We have been pushed from pillar to post, referred to the wrong department and told several different stories.....

So I am not some woman who thinks money can push her up the ladder.. I am not someone who had a private cycle just to fill the time... I am desperate. I am living every day waiting for it to pass. I am just waiting for my baby....please don't judge me.


So...it is 13 weeks until they finish their Christmas holiday, and AF is due the same time... Let's start counting.

Keep waiting....

A forum friend posted this on the forum for all of us IVF ladies... I think it is beautiful... 

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
It calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you.
When the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there 
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole 
ordeal.
 In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for 
being the kind of person who shows persistance.
 If it were not for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years, You have been trying. 
Thinking of giving up but never doing it.
 In the end you just keep on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves
me, the one who can love me as no other can.
You will be that mother that you always wanted to be. 
Just you keep waiting for me.

I do not know where it is from, or who the author is, however I do think it captures the emotions we go through. 

I have some IVF updates... I will write later, I do not want to distract from the poem. 

Despairing....

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my feelings in a humorous way. Looking back at my posts, it seems they are more heart felt and not very funny. The truth is, this journey is no longer funny. It is hard work, it is long and tiring... sometimes, we smile, but often we cry. All I can do is hope, and hope that it ends with joy and happiness.

After a weekend with high emotions, I have so much to say. I am not sure where to start. Hubby and I are finding it really hard this weekend (Usual for me, but not for hubby) after attending an Information Day organised by the Infertility Network.

The day was informative...we learnt lots of interesting details that we didn't know before. The biggest for us was probably finding out that due to funding, Wales only offer 2 NHS funded IVF treatments now, instead of 3.

There were speakers on the following; Male fertility, IVF and IUI procedures, Donor Egg and Sperm, Camera Technologies, Clinic Appointments, Acupuncture, Adoption and also Jessica Hepburn (the author of The Pursuit to Motherhood).

Two of the speakers were staff from our last clinic. One was the consultant, the other was a nurse ( a lovely, kind, wonderful nurse). This was when it all got a little emotional. I won't hide the fact that I would go back to them in a heartbeat. I think we are so, so lucky to have the NHS, and to have IVF funded cycles. However, I felt safe with them, they understand how my first cycle went, and because it was private, they have the time to sit and listen to concerns, to be at the other end of the phone. Obviously, due to the strain, NHS staff just don't have this time. The other advantage is that we get to choose the donor. At our NHS clinic it is chosen for us, they just try to match hair and eye colour. So we both got a little emotional that our time with the clinic has come to an end, and has left us wondering if there is any way we can try Egg sharing again....they are booking us a second follow up appointment, so we can talk about how we can bring costs down.

This was then made worse by then finding out that we may have been misinformed by the NHS about our treatment start. We are 'due' to start in December, however ( I did have concerns about this a while ago, but put them to the back of my mind) it seems that donor sperm takes 3 months to organise and import on the NHS funded cycles. I know this hasn't even been discussed, so we may be waiting until next Feb/March. This seems impossible. I need to discuss this at the information session on the 9th October.

Listening to the information, obviously as we have had a failed cycle, we knew alot of the information about the procedures. This brought it all back. We would have been a week or so away from our 12 week scan now, and instead we were sat in an infertility meeting, holding our infertility packs. It was a heart wrencher.

So, we left there confused, shaken and sad. I am glad we went... but I just want my baby now.

So today, I got rather upset again. I wanted to go out, I wanted to go somewhere where I was too busy to think. I don't want to think about any of it. I didn't want to be at home. What reason have I got to be at home? I have no children to cook for, or any homework to complete. I have no naps to consider, and no housework to do. I don't want to look at others, playing with their children, going on days out. I don't want to hear stories of others having family days...bla, bla, bla.

I sound very bitter, and maybe I am. By Monday, I will be okay. But today, I want to wallow.

It has also upset me how alone we are. We are surrounded by friends and family, who all try to support us, but, through no fault of our own, often make it worse. A comment yesterday, when I said we may need to wait until March for our next cycle, was....." well maybe it won't be wise doing at Christmas anyway, so maybe it is a good thing".... they just don't get how painful this is, how every day, it chips a little bit more away from you.

I am rambling on and being incredibly depressing, I apologise. I will pick myself up again soon. It is such a hard journey, and on top of everything else, I am so scared that the next cycle won't work. I want the comfort and stress free experience of the clinic so much, and it's within a fingertips reach. We could start straight away.... and I really feel it is best for us...if only money grew on tree's.

Well, I will turn my sad music off now, say goodnight to the computer and see if I can settle watching the X Factor.

For now, I will say goodnight xxxxxx

Standing up to the world...

I'm sitting here surrounded by things I need to do, and not getting very far. I flit between Babycentre and Facebook, just reading. Productive hey! 

I have just changed this following picture as my cover photograph on Facebook... 

For those just joining, we named our embryo's Chickpea and Baked Bean. Well hubby did, and it grew on me. Friends know about the IVF, but not as public as facebook. I wanted to put up the pictures of our embryo's but I don't think hubby would agree. 

This isn't because I want the world to know our business or because I want sympathy. It is because I feel they were a part of me. Why should I forget them, just because they didn't grow into babies. Friends put pictures of their babies on, and their scan pictures, why shouldn't I have a picture to remember my embryo's by. 

I shouldn't be ashamed because they didn't make it, and I shouldn't have to just move on. I am not sad over the loss anymore. I do sit and think about the journey, what life would be like now had it worked, etc... But I am not wallowing in self pity. However, I do feel that other peoples attitude is this... well it didn't work, your not pregnant, forget it all and move on. 

No I shall not. My first IVF cycle taught me a lot, it had an impact on my life, my marriage, my friendships, my family. Why should I not be proud that we created 2 embryo's and I kept them warm for the time that I did. 

I put photo's of my dog and cat on facebook, so now I have Chickpea and Baked bean on there... 

I may read this back in 6 months and decide I am officially loopy...what do you think?

Here come the tears....

It has taken me 4 weeks. I cried when I got my BFN of course. But then I picked myself up, brushed myself off and got on with life. I was brave, or so I thought. I have been feeling 'off' for a few days. Getting stressed at silly things, feeling hurt when I hear other people's baby news.. and then last night I tipped over the edge.

I cried and cried and cried. I remember being on cloud nine walking out of the clinic, with 2 teeny embryo's inside their mummy. I got stopped in Sainsbury's because the alarm went off and I didn't even care. (It was a tag that Superdrug had left on my make up!) I grinned all the way home. I spent the next 5 days in a daze of happiness. Then it all fell apart.

I would do anything to be back there now, to feel that feeling again. To be a mummy again, even if it was for just 5 days.

So last night, I let it all out. I cried for my plans, for my pregnancy that wasn't meant to be, for my husband, for the people who helped us financially, for me and for my embryo's...for Chickpea and Baked Bean.

Reading back on my blog, a lot of my posts sound negative. I don't want you to think I am a negative person because that is far from the truth. I am a very positive person. However, this blog is my outlet.. it is where I can put my feelings without having to say them. If I tried to write a diary I would never sit and dedicate time to it...this works because I tell myself that I must keep updating it as people read it...you poor people!


I have 6 weeks and 3 days until our treatment planning appointment...not that I am counting or anything ;)

Onwards and upwards.....

Stop the infertility whisper..

As time passes, and things go slowly, you realise how lonely it is in the world of infertility.

Once the IVF has finished, people assume you are okay, stop being curious and move on, leaving us with a popped bubble. Life has to carry on, yes. But why can we not mention it without people shutting down. Our infertility is nothing to be ashamed of.

So, I have signed up to volunteer with the Infertility Network, I will support the infertility awareness week, and if someone asked me if I plan to have children, I will tell them that we are having IVF.

Obviously, my way is not right for everyone else. Some prefer to keep it to themselves, and of course that is fine. But I feel that people who would like to share but don't because they are unsure of how others will take it, should be able to talk about it.

Just my little rant for today...

I am waiting for the 27th September, where I will be attending an Infertility Network Information Day in Cardiff.... and I am thinking of booking some acupuncture... stories and experiences would be very welcome!

As time goes on...

It has been a week since my last post and not much to report!

It is that time of month again when you wait in hope that a miracle has happened. However I am sad to report that I do not think it has..

Babies and Bellies are everywhere. It seem's everyone is telling me...''oh you know that person, she has had a baby!'' It takes all my strength not to tell them that I don't care! Which is probably mean, as I am a caring person, but I just don't want to hear it. I do not want my heart ripped out again and again when someone else gets the one thing I have longed for for years.

It was hubby's birthday on the weekend. We went away for a night which was lovely. It took my mind off of things. This will be the 4th birthday that I haven't bought him a dad card. He had one from the dog instead!

It is funny, the strange things that hurt. Like the birthday cards, the empty space under the Christmas tree, the baby aisle in the supermarket. All these things that remind you that you remain childless.

I am rambling. I have been fairly okay since the failed cycle but I am struggling right now. Everything is supposed to go back to normal, I am expected to get over it, people have stopped discussing it and asking if I am okay. I am not an attention seeking type of person and I don't want everyone to fall over trying to help me. However I have this irrational feeling that it shouldn't just be forgotten. Those were my embryo's, my potential babies. My first scan would have been this week. But it is all a past memory in everyone's minds.

Still, I guess time goes on..it has too. We cannot give up. We need to pull our PMA (positive mental attitude) pants up and live life. It will happen, and when it does, I will not let a single person let me take any of it for granted.

xxxx

Waiting for the train again...

First I need to apologise for leaving you all with no answers....

After my period arrived early I went into shutdown. I functioned as normal. I smiled, I laughed, I was 'normal'. But on the inside, I was devastated, I wanted to close the door to a dark room and just cry. I wanted someone to tell me why. Answer my question when I asked what happened.

But when I asked, there was silence. No one has an answer. It just didn't work. We tested on the Friday (15th) and saw the result we expected.One line.

I was already prepared, which was good as we were moving house that day. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, painted a smile on and off we went. We were busy that weekend so coped pretty well.

It was hard, because we coped, because we smiled, people assumed I was over it. It was done and gone. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered. The plans I had thought about over and over again.

It get's easier. That I can tell you. You think about it less. It is like a loss. A different type of loss, but still painful. We put so much faith in it working. So much hope in our embryo's.

But...  we have experience now, we know what to expect. My body has been through it already. All those things should mean next time should be a little bit easier.

At our follow up appointment I was told it was just one of those things. I struggled going back there. I was supposed to go back for my viability scan. But instead, I sat in the waiting room, watching a new mum showing the staff her beautiful baby, and waiting to be told where I could go from here.

We had an appointment today at the NHS clinic. It went well and we start our second cycle in December. I am so happy, and feel so blessed.
My great Nan passed away last Sunday. Maybe she is looking down on us. If so, then thank you Nan.
We have our second chance and I am so grateful.

I will keep updating. I am going to take this time to loose some weight, try to build my business, www.sentimentaltreasures.moonfruit.com and enjoy life.

But when that train arrives, I will be the first one on.....

A Little Lost...

There are so many questions that we ask ourselves when we are hurting.

The main one is probably...Why?

After 4 years of trying, 2 years waiting for IVF, 2 weeks of injections, scans and anxiety... why has my body rejected my babies?

I have been focusing everything on the IVF. Counting down the days, the minutes.... now I'm lost. I don't have anything to focus on.

Hubby is holding on to a tiny bit of hope. Hope that we may get a positive result on Friday. But I hold very little hope. I know my own body and know this is a normal period.

I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and focus on the future. All I can think about is when we can do a 2nd round. We need to wait for the NHS now, with a maximum 18 month wait. We are hoping they can back date it for us. 18 months sounds impossible.

I shall dust myself off, just maybe after this tub of ice cream!

Just a little message to all the other ladies dealing with the heartbreak of infertility..you are never alone.

Everything falls apart...

Day 28 - The end?

Sorry, this is a negative post. But, I wouldn't be writing a blog true to how I feel if it wasn't.

Firstly, I had a letter through last week to say we didn't have any embryo's suitable for freezing. That was a blow, but I had every faith left in the two that were with mummy.

However, yesterday I woke up with cramps - normal, possibly down to the progesterone pessaries. However late afternoon, I started bleeding. Only light at first, so could have been implantation. However it is now much heavier.

The consultant has told me to up my progesterone intake, but I think it is probably too late. I think this is probably it. Our first cycle has failed.

I will of course update on the day we do our test. It is then a long wait for us until we can have a second cycle. So I will be taking a break and trying to get my head together.

We are, of course, gutted. A long 4 and a half years have passed since we decided to have a family, and we are still waiting. I have so many questions, and feel so angry.

Hopefully these feelings will slowly disappear and things can go back to normal.

Signing off for now xx

Day 21 - Got my babies back...

Monday 4th August - The day arrives

Okay, okay,  slightly presumptuous. However that's how I felt. They are my babies. Even if they don't quite make it.

Sorry I am a few days behind again. Find it easier to get my thoughts together and write later.

Got up and showered. No perfumes etc again. A dull day. Raining and overcast. A coat day.

I had breakfast, a glass of milk and a cup of tea. The paperwork I had for Embryo Transfer also told me to drink a litre of water in the hour before I got to the clinic. Hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have drank the tea and milk. I managed 750ml of water on route to the clinic, and when we arrived 30 minutes early, I was bursting. Oh dear.

When we went up, we were shown into a recovery room. The room next to the one I had passed out in at Egg Collection. That brought back memories!! There were other ladies there for their Egg Collection. It was all very surreal. The doctor and embryologist came to see us. They explained that they wanted to put 2 embryo's back, as they were still only at the early blastlocyst stage. This meant that they were unable to grade them, and couldn't tell which was better, so there was a better chance by putting 2 back. We were shocked and stunned. We had been told only one would go back due to my age, so hadn't even considered the possibility. All very exciting.

 After what seemed like forever (the full bladder was an issue!) I went into the treatment room for an ultrasound scan to see if my bladder was full. Ha! The nurse confirmed that I was 'fit to burst' and hurried the doctor in to start.

They coupled up a television screen and showed us our embryo's in the lab. They then started the procedure. The nurse help an ultrasound scanner on my stomach while the doctor did her bit internally. It was uncomfortable, but mainly because of my bladder.

.After minutes, it was all over. I was assured that I was fine to go to the toilet, they wouldn't just 'fall out'

And that was it. I was mummy to two embryos, which were inside me. Hubby and I couldn't wipe the smiles off of our face. It is an incredible feeling. We walked out of there on top of the world.

When home, we settled down with spaghetti on toast to watch a film. It was then that I began to worry. All this happiness, what if it didn't work?

I soon packed it in. I am much more positive now. I have every chance of it happening. So I am going to enjoy this feeling whilst I have it...

Only 8 days to go until we know for sure...

Day 20 - The night before...

Sunday 3rd August 

So, here I am, the night before the transfer. The emotions I have are all over the place. I am so excited at the prospect of being pregnant until proven otherwise, however I am scared stiff something will go wrong. 

I woke up last night in so much pain from the egg collection. It had started to get better, and I really am not sure what caused it.  I phoned the out of hours consultant at 4am this morning, and she didn't seem concerned, so I took some paracetamol and managed to sleep. However, today, although uncomfortable, the pain has really died down. It scared me though, and I have been worried all day that this will effect my transfer tomorrow.

Hubby is excited. We can't quite get over the reality of it all. A growing embryo...our embryo... odd! 

I will update tomorrow, and hopefully I will be mummy to a snug little embryo....watch this space!

Lots of love, 

Day 19 - Waiting for Embryo Transfer

Saturday 2nd July - Saturday or Monday?

We were told Embryo Transfer would either be on Saturday 2nd or Monday 4th. However, we wouldn't know which day until Saturday morning. We had to be up, showered, dressed and ready to go by 8am, just in case.

So we sat and waited. At 8.20am we had the call. Our Embryo's are doing well, and will go to day 5, hopefully becoming blastocysts. This meant that we could stand down...we were needed Monday, not today.

This was good. Our embryo's remain strong. We have 1 x grade 1, and 4 x grade 2's. The grading at the clinic is done on a scale of 1-5. I being the best.... and so on.

Although I am thrilled that we can go to blastocyst stage, I feel lost in a funny kind of way. Our embryo's have been conceived, so they should be with us, inside their mum getting nice and snuggly. It feels odd that our (potential) baby is an hour away. Weird I know!

So we got on with our day, trying to keep busy, but we both agree that emotionally, this is one strange time!

Day 17 - How many Embies?!

Thursday 31st July - Waiting for the call.

Half past 8. That was when my phone rang. A mobile number that I didn't recognised. Whoooop! 

5 out of our 6 eggs fertilised. 

5 little embies are currently relaxing in the clinic. We will get a phone call on Saturday morning to let us know whether the Egg Transfer will be Saturday or Monday. 

I am so, so pleased. I have hope and faith that our babies are growing now - test day in 16 days. 

16 days and I 'may' be seeing that positive! 

Day 16 - Egg Collection

Today (or yesterday - sorry I am a day late) was the day.

I woke at 5. Up and in the shower. Showered with water (no fragrance or scented soaps allowed). Took out/off my jewellery all apart from my wedding band. No deodorant, no make up. In hindsight, maybe I should have gone in my Jim jams! Popped in my cyclogest pessary and thats me done.

Hubby also had to go hair gel and deodorant free. Was a very quick morning getting ready. Popped my slippers and dressing gown in my bag.

Was Nil by Mouth, so no food for me. Just a couple of sips of water. Made our way to the clinic. Traffic was quite heavy despite leaving at 6.45am. I was feeling very nervous. I didn't know what to expect. I have a sickness phobia, so I was terrified of the drugs making me sick.

Got to the clinic at 7.30 and waiting for the time to tick by so we could make our way in at 8am. Time went so slow. I watched people making there way to work, tried to think of everything but what was happening. At 7.50, the door was opened and another couple were making there way in. The nurse spotted us and held open the door for us...here we go....

We were told to go straight up to the treatment room. Inside was a large bed/chair, an armchair, a bedside table. A few magazines and a telly to keep us distracted...yea right!!

Was asked to fill in a couple more forms, then to take two more pessaries. Painkillers this time. Then the anesthetist came to talk to me, and put in my canulla.  That was over quickly and only stung for a while. I then learnt that we were one of 6 couples and I was number 4. Oh... I had 1 hour and a half to wait. I was biting hubby's head off and trying to sink myself into a travel magazine. After what felt like a lifetime my consultant popped her head around the door and asked if I was ready. Ha! No! I was going home!

With my heart beating and my skin clammy, I followed her down to the treatment room. Went into the darkened room and Radio 1 was playing. I led on the bed, with my legs in stirrups. Classy! I was given an anti sickness drug, to calm my nerves, bless them. And then given the sedation. I don't remember much more. It felt like seconds later and they were telling me that it was all over.

I was pushed back to the recovery room in a wheelchair, and got back on my bed, where I stayed for the next hour and a half. I had two glasses of water, a cup of tea and some biscuits. The nurse asked me how I was feeling and I felt fine, just a little tired. She said that if I went to the toilet, I would be able to go home.

I then (probably too quickly) got up from the bed, and went so dizzy. Hubby told me to sit down, and then all goes blank. Apparently I sat on the bed, then fell forward and ended up in a heap on the floor. Apparently I shook the lights downstairs!

Hubby and the nurses managed to pick me up, and it was then that I started coming round. I was given oxygen, and my blood pressure was taken and was very low. I then stayed led down while hubby went to get me a sandwich and some chocolate. I ate some food, and slowly, over time, sat up. About 2 hours later, I got up to move rooms. The nurses wanted to see me in several different environments before I left.

After that, I slowly got dressed. 20 minutes later we then went downstairs to wait in the reception. A total 5 hours after my Egg Collection, we got to go home. I was tired and sore for the rest of the day, but no more fainting!

Think I gave everyone a scare. The best news is that we got 6 eggs! Not enough to egg share though, which I am gutted about, but I am very grateful to be given the chance to continue with my treatment.

It really isn't that bad. The fainting was worse than the procedure, and that was a combination of low blood pressure, low sugar levels and getting up too quickly. I didn't eat that much the day before, due to being so bloated. However, maybe if I'd had a bar of chocolate before I went to bed, maybe that would have helped. I should also have asked for sugar in my tea after the procedure.

Try not to panic. It's not wonderful, but it's IVF. It's full of sacrifices to enable us to have our little miracles.

Back at home, we wait for the fertilisation phone call...

Day 14 - Guardian Angels...

Someone was looking down on me today... 

My mother and I arrived at the clinic a little early, so we went inside to wait. The consultant was in theatre, so we waited a little longer than usual. 

I was a quivering wreck. I was so worried that something may have happened to the remaining follies, and someone would say it was all over. 

We went in, and I explained that we were happy to have full IVF. I had my scan, which was the quietest and longest 5 minutes I have experienced in a long time. 

Once all over, the consultant told me that I have 7 follicles that are mature and ready to go. I also have 1 little follicle that is just a bit behind in growth, but it may catch up, so keeping everything crossed whilst sat here with my hot water bottle on my stomach....grow, follie, grow! 

So Egg Collection is booked for 8am on Wednesday. I will take my trigger shot tonight at 10.15pm. My alarm is set and I'm ready to go. Looking forward to doing my last injection and a drug free day tomorrow. 

I am blessed to be here, in this situation. My dream is getting closer....thank you guardian angel xx

Day 14 - Catching up...

Today is the 14th day since this cycle began, and I have been administering the injections for 13 days.

I also haven't updated for just short of 2 weeks, and for that, I apologise. I wanted to update daily, but it all got on top of me. So, I am going to give a brief update, some days will have more to say than others.

Monday 21st July

My first scan. Hubby had work, and was unable to take the time off, so my mother in law came with me. We got there nice and early, and I had no nerves really. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was just excited to get going!

I went in, and the nurse scanned me first. She counted the follicles, and found 11, however they were still very small, not much growing going on. She went away to talk to the consultant leaving me a bit numb. I know a lot of the lingo words, I know roughly what my medication is doing, but I didn't understand what this meant. Was it bad? Or was I just a bit slower than others.

She came back. They had decided to up my dose of Gonal - F from 150ml to 225ml. Away I went, waiting for the next scan, the day after next. I was worried, but just hoped the increase in Gonal-F would kick in.

Wednesday 23rd July

Again, Hubby was working, so off I went with my mother in law. We got to the clinic, and today I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect and was terrified of the cycle being cancelled. The nurse scanned me again. This time, she counted 13 follicles. Wonderful, I thought. However then she told me that once again, they hadn't grown much, and off she went to talk to the consultant, leaving me to do my injection. 

She came back and said they were keeping me at the same dose and would see me on Friday for my next scan. Then I got emotional. I asked if it was really bad news, and got quite upset. We have waited so long for this, and it wasn't going how i'd imagined it. She was lovely, and reassured me, and told me that I was just slow to respond. I went away, a little grizzly, but ok!

Friday 25th July

Hubby was off, so off we went, driving the hour down to the clinic. I was a nervous wreck! I'd been quite uncomfortable the day before, so was hoping this meant good things. A different nurse today, and she was so lovely. She asked hubby if he wanted to watch the scan and she would show him the follicles etc. She was quite while carrying out the scan, and then said I had 6 good sized follicles, but only 3 others, that were still small.

Off she went to get the consultant, again. Got dressed, only to be told the consultant wanted to scan me. So, another scan, while the silent consultant did her bit. I led on the bed and prayed. It was all I could do. I could feel everything slipping away. When all done and I was dressed, the consultant sat down with ''that face''. I knew then. She said that I didn't have enough follicles to egg share. This meant cancelling the cycle....unless we could cough up £4,650. We had £450 put aside for ICSI, but that was as far as it went.

She left us together, and the nurse brought us a cup of tea, and said that we could take as long as we needed. I completely broke down. How could we have waited so long, struggled so hard and watch it all end here. All we needed was a chance. I couldn't stop thinking that one of the follicles that had tried so hard to grow, could be my baby. How could I just let it... fade away.

We wanted to try and borrow the money, but sitting in the nurse's room isn't the best place to ring round family and friends. The nurse said that it was a big decision that couldn't be made overnight, and that I could carry on with my injections, including my new Orgalutran. (to stop ovulation - more common in people on a antagonist cycle) and come back Monday for a scan, with our decision.

I was a mess, an hour later I was a mess, later that day...can you sense what's coming?!

Our dear friends offered to lend up half of the money, and later that evening members of our family matched this. We have quite a bit to repay, but we are truly blessed to have had this chance. We are so lucky to be able to go forward and I am eternally grateful.

Today - Monday 28th July

So here I am, updated this, ready to go for another scan. I am relieved that we have the funds to carry on, but I am so scared that something else will be negative. I am not overly bloated, I am not very uncomfortable, so what if they have all disappeared. I suppose after 3 negative scans, I will be panicking! I just need to breathe, relax and take each moment as it comes.

I hope that I will be able to positively update later, but if not, then I thank god that I am still here, healthy and alive....