Ready, Steady....GO!!

So a date with Dildocam (sorry, an internal scan) today showed that my lining is thin, my ovaries look good and we are ready to go.

Tomorrow night I will administer my first injection in my second cycle. A huge dosage of 275, compared to the 150 of Gonal F last time. I will inject daily and then go for my first 'stimms' scan on Monday.

It took nearly 2 hours to get to the clinic, the traffic was terrible, so my nerves were able to build. But it was all for nothing as everything is fine.

I am still finding it hard to comprehend that we could be pregnant by Christmas, but I am trying to stay positive.

So I have upped my water intake, started eating more protein, am taking all my supplements, drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating avocado, eggs and Brazil nuts. I don't know whether it helps, but it can't hurt.

For now, I will leave you with this...

Here I go.....

So the good news is that today was the beginning of IVF journey number 2.

I'm being silly...there isn't any bad news really but....ouch!

If you had have asked me yesterday if I was good with pain, I would have said yes. I thought I had a high pain threshold. However, I have a different opinion today. I knew it would be 'uncomfortable' but most people say it isn't that bad.

So we got to the clinic after taking 2 paracetamol and 2 high strength ibuprofen. The consultant was dealing with an emergency, so we made ourselves comfy on the sofa's. Hubby had a hot chocolate and I sat contemplating whether to run for the door!!

After a while, we went upstairs and had a chat about any concerns, then we got down to business. It took a few minutes once all set up. Maybe about 1 minute of scratching. Afterwards it was about 30 minutes of very strong period pain. Unfortunately, maybe due to pain, maybe due to nerves, just like after egg collection, I stood up, went white and the room started to spin. Luckily, I managed to lie down before gravity got the better of me. After a very sweet cup of tea sat in recovery, I made my slowly downstairs whilst hubby went to fetch the car.

After about 40 minutes, I was tender and twingy, but much, much better. The good thing is that the pain doesn't last long.

Hubby has been a saint and really looked after me, and I am now getting very excited about the onset of this cycle.

Tonight, after my lovely dinner, I wolfed down my Folic Acid, Sanatogen Mother To Be, Omega 3,  Flaxeed, Co Q10, B Complex, Zinc and Royal Jelly. Don't ask me what they do...I don't really know.

Every little helps eh!

So tomorrow I take the pill, then we wait. Next week will be busy!!

Just a quick note to anyone having the scratch...I don't want to scare anyone. Yes it hurts.... but sat here now, it is all over, and apart from being a bit tender, I am fine. I am proud of myself for doing it and so glad I did. I know that I am doing everything I can for my embies to survive this time!!

I am going to settle down and chill now, so over and out my lovely readers..

Apprehension..

...and nerves, and excitement, and concern, and panic, and happiness... oh my, I am like a whirlwind of emotions. 

Tomorrow we will make the journey to the clinic to have the 'Endometrial Scratch'. I know, I can see you wincing already. Everyone does. I think the name says it all. 

I will have a small, thin catheter inserted. They will then scratch away at my lining. This encourages new cells to grow, and hopefully aiding implantation. They say it shouldn't be too painful...I am yet to believe this. 

I am not scared of the procedure. I will endure a little bit of pain for the blessing of a baby. 

I am scared of this cycle. I am so excited too, don't get me wrong. I am so lucky to get this chance. But I am scared of it all going wrong. I am scared of a BFN (big fat negative) at Christmas. 

Once I get back into the clinic, I know I will feel more positive. One day, our baby will be on their wall of fame. 

This needs to work...I have a special friend reserving my Mum and Baby parking space at the shopping mall!! 

I will be back tomorrow to update you on my adventures! 

Big boxes of excitement..

It's not very often we get to be excited over a big box of drugs!

Today, a lovely gentleman dropped of 2 boxes...one big, one small. It marks the start for me. My drugs are now chillin' in the fridge!! The big box had iced containers in, and just had my three small boxes hiding in the middle!

 All feels very real now! Less than a week until the Endometrial Scratch (gulp...) and then it is all go, go, go...

Went shopping yesterday with my mum...only for food, however we had a walk around some lovely Christmas lines shops and I now feel much more excited that Christmas is on it's way!! 

A friend in need...

I had a call this morning ... my drugs are being delivered on Thursday! The lovely lady explained that the Gonal F and Orgalutran will need to be refrigerated. It was like deja vu.

It is a week tomorrow until the Endometrial Scratch. Gulp. It it all getting very close.

I am having problems accepting that this might work. I have experienced the disappointment and hurt of a failed cycle, and I am so scared of experiencing that again. My heart goes out to all those ladies/couples that go through multiple failed cycles. Imagine getting a bad injury after doing an activity, that took a while to heal, that caused a lot of pain. Then imagine the apprehension of having to do that activity again. Without knowing if you will end up with the same injury.

I have also found that to my non IVF friends, this is all getting a bit old. I don't talk about me, me, me. Unless people ask, I keep quiet. However, last time, I had lots of support. People asked about the treatment, they were curious, they were excited. This time, it almost feels like they think it is old news.. they have heard it all before... I have no questions, there is no excitement. Realistically, they are probably worried about upsetting me, or bringing it up, when they know it failed last time. But it really helped last time, I felt I had people supporting me, behind me. I feel quite alone this time.

I love Christmas. I am that person that get's excited in September when the cards start appearing in the card shops. I am that person who shares Christmas countdown's on Facebook. I count the days down, talk about it all the time, get all warm and bubbly when the wrapping paper and pressies line the shelves in town. This year feels different.

It may be partly because we don't have much spare money, as I am not working full time....but I think it is the treatment. I am trying so, so hard to be positive, to feel that naivety that I felt before. To believe in all my heart that this will work.

Well, after one of those weeks, I had a parcel delivery. I was sort of prepared, as a lovely friend had asked for my address. When hubby brought it home from work (he keeps our post at work as the dog has a tendency to hide post in his bed, and occasionally gets hungry!!)

I opened it and had a beautiful card, with some touching words inside, a jar of baby dust, and a book... ''IVF ... An Emotional Companion'' written by Brigid Moss.

Sometimes, something happens and it completely changes your outlook on something. For the first time, It felt 'right'. This could work... it really could.

I still cant bring myself to say it will, I said this last time, and it didn't. But my wonderful friend really helped me and brought some positivity.  So, Thank You xx

So from today, as I count down the days until we start this roller-coaster again, I will do all I can to remain positive. I will remember to have hope, to stay strong and to believe in miracles...