Despairing....

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my feelings in a humorous way. Looking back at my posts, it seems they are more heart felt and not very funny. The truth is, this journey is no longer funny. It is hard work, it is long and tiring... sometimes, we smile, but often we cry. All I can do is hope, and hope that it ends with joy and happiness.

After a weekend with high emotions, I have so much to say. I am not sure where to start. Hubby and I are finding it really hard this weekend (Usual for me, but not for hubby) after attending an Information Day organised by the Infertility Network.

The day was informative...we learnt lots of interesting details that we didn't know before. The biggest for us was probably finding out that due to funding, Wales only offer 2 NHS funded IVF treatments now, instead of 3.

There were speakers on the following; Male fertility, IVF and IUI procedures, Donor Egg and Sperm, Camera Technologies, Clinic Appointments, Acupuncture, Adoption and also Jessica Hepburn (the author of The Pursuit to Motherhood).

Two of the speakers were staff from our last clinic. One was the consultant, the other was a nurse ( a lovely, kind, wonderful nurse). This was when it all got a little emotional. I won't hide the fact that I would go back to them in a heartbeat. I think we are so, so lucky to have the NHS, and to have IVF funded cycles. However, I felt safe with them, they understand how my first cycle went, and because it was private, they have the time to sit and listen to concerns, to be at the other end of the phone. Obviously, due to the strain, NHS staff just don't have this time. The other advantage is that we get to choose the donor. At our NHS clinic it is chosen for us, they just try to match hair and eye colour. So we both got a little emotional that our time with the clinic has come to an end, and has left us wondering if there is any way we can try Egg sharing again....they are booking us a second follow up appointment, so we can talk about how we can bring costs down.

This was then made worse by then finding out that we may have been misinformed by the NHS about our treatment start. We are 'due' to start in December, however ( I did have concerns about this a while ago, but put them to the back of my mind) it seems that donor sperm takes 3 months to organise and import on the NHS funded cycles. I know this hasn't even been discussed, so we may be waiting until next Feb/March. This seems impossible. I need to discuss this at the information session on the 9th October.

Listening to the information, obviously as we have had a failed cycle, we knew alot of the information about the procedures. This brought it all back. We would have been a week or so away from our 12 week scan now, and instead we were sat in an infertility meeting, holding our infertility packs. It was a heart wrencher.

So, we left there confused, shaken and sad. I am glad we went... but I just want my baby now.

So today, I got rather upset again. I wanted to go out, I wanted to go somewhere where I was too busy to think. I don't want to think about any of it. I didn't want to be at home. What reason have I got to be at home? I have no children to cook for, or any homework to complete. I have no naps to consider, and no housework to do. I don't want to look at others, playing with their children, going on days out. I don't want to hear stories of others having family days...bla, bla, bla.

I sound very bitter, and maybe I am. By Monday, I will be okay. But today, I want to wallow.

It has also upset me how alone we are. We are surrounded by friends and family, who all try to support us, but, through no fault of our own, often make it worse. A comment yesterday, when I said we may need to wait until March for our next cycle, was....." well maybe it won't be wise doing at Christmas anyway, so maybe it is a good thing".... they just don't get how painful this is, how every day, it chips a little bit more away from you.

I am rambling on and being incredibly depressing, I apologise. I will pick myself up again soon. It is such a hard journey, and on top of everything else, I am so scared that the next cycle won't work. I want the comfort and stress free experience of the clinic so much, and it's within a fingertips reach. We could start straight away.... and I really feel it is best for us...if only money grew on tree's.

Well, I will turn my sad music off now, say goodnight to the computer and see if I can settle watching the X Factor.

For now, I will say goodnight xxxxxx