Hope...

Hope. Something that I think is really important. But sometimes, we loose it. Sometimes we struggle to hold onto it firmly.

Other times, something happens that makes it stronger, reminds us that it is still there.

Journey's like this one require hope. You have little else. We are relying on something completely out of our control. We read every book, we can follow every suggestion...but in the end, it will either work, or it won't. So the only thing that we can do is hope.

Something happened yesterday that gave me hope. A good friend of mine ( we started talking on the forum I am on, and then met up a few weeks ago...I feel like I have known her for years now!) received her BFP. It was her first IVF cycle and after a grueling 2 week wait, she had two lines yesterday. Don't be fooled though, her journey has been as long and as difficult as everyone else's... so it really is a miracle, and amazing news.

It is often hard to hear of BFP's and pregnancy when you are still awaiting your own. But I can honestly say that I am over the moon for her...and for other fellow IVF'ers. It's not that I am not happy for everyone else, but when you have followed someone's journey through infertility, and you can totally relate to how they feel, it makes that pregnancy even more special, and easy to accept.

It gives you hope. Hope that it can work. Hope that it will work.

We take so much for granted in this world...but achieving and progressing through pregnancy, and meeting your baby at the end of it, will always be something that those dealing with infertility will never, ever take for granted.

Chugging along..

Just popping in quickly to say hello. Not much is happening this end. I am waiting to receive my plan, which will only happen when my egg sharing recipient begins her pill.

I am excited to find out when we will be having treatment and to get a plan laid out in my head.

Things are getting busy for me now, on the lead up to Christmas, particularly with my business (making sentimental gifts) You can view my gifts here...

 So as everyone is running around buying gifts, planning family get-togethers, talking about family.
I love Christmas, it is my favourite time of year. I love the songs, the lights, the tree, the food...just the whole package. But every year, it gets a little bit harder.

This Christmas will be the 5th Christmas that we have been trying to add to our little family. I want to put little presents under the tree, hang a stocking at the end of a bed. Put carrots out to amaze someone, other than myself.

Yes, yes, I put a carrot, some cocoa and a mince pie out...every year. Trouble is, when i'm wiping the cocoa from around my mouth, I get an awful feeling that Santa wasn't actually the one who drank it.

I try to keep the magic alive every year, but the truth is, without a little person to show that magic too, I just feel a bit silly.

This Christmas will be slightly different. We will be in the middle of an IVF Cycle. In fact, I think we will be in the middle of the 2WW, all being well.

We just have to pray that my egg making facilities wake up a bit sooner this time, and we are able to share this magic with a very special lady.

So maybe, just maybe, this will be our last Christmas as just the 2 of us. Exciting eh?

Whoa, here comes the train...

Okay, so our money is sat in hubby's account. We can pay for the sperm. We are cycling in December.
Aaaahhhh!

It's funny... you reach out and try and grab it... then when you finally get it, you get so scared you almost let go. I am excited to cycle again, but I cannot imagine a happy ending. I am scared to build myself up again only to get shot down. But I know that I have to do this. I have to be positive.

I cannot explain how much I want this. Christmas is going to go one way or the other.

I am one year older in January. I wonder whether I will be a mummy to be. It would be the best birthday present EVER. I would be the happiest lady on the universe.

So, the train is in the station... I have my ticket and the cases are packed. There are many stops along the way and the journey won't be easy. Sorry, what did you say? Where is it heading?

It's heading to babyville...

International Wave of Light

Tonight, at 7pm, I joined the international wave of light.

I lit 2 candles to help us remember all the beautiful babies who are no longer with us.

Sleep tight little one's xxx

Blinded by the storm..

I have been flying around in a whirlwind of emotions these last few days. The roller-coaster effect has taken off, and so much has happened and then un-happened. I am tired of being told one thing, tired of another happening, tired of feeling empty, and tired of fighting.

Monday - Accepted onto egg sharing again... but decide to find out the in's and out's of the NHS first. Call the NHS, get told the information I was given a month ago (that we would start in December) was wrong and that it would actually be March 15. Devastated. This ended in me in the middle of Starbucks, sobbing like a right idiot! Decided to see if Hubby could get a loan to cover the cost of Donor sperm... then we would egg share again. Called the clinic, they could match me straight away! Excitement!

Tuesday - Got worried about the cycle affecting our NHS cycle and called the NHS clinic. It would mean we only had 1 cycle left. That was OK, nothing lost, nothing gained. I am happy to loose a cycle if I can afford to egg share. Why should I get it, if I can use a private clinic. However, in asking questions, find out that I had again been told the wrong information, and I could indeed pay for the sperm to quicken the NHS cycle up. This would be slightly less that egg sharing, and mean we could continue with the NHS. However, the nurse's attitude hurt. She told me I was really lucky to be able to pay privately and that's why we loose a cycle.

Wednesday - Uneventful day, quite excited to go to the information day tomorrow.

Thursday - Get to the information session and it all feel's so real. Presentation was done and we got to speak to some of the staff. I wanted to confirm the sperm donor ordering etc. It was then, that I get told that we wouldn't be cycling until the New Year, due to the clinic being closed at Christmas. Gutted. Again. We have spent a very long day deciding what to do. I am so tempted to cycle this year, but know that are best chances of a successful cycle are with the NHS.


I understand the NHS have limited availability, but I have not been given the same information twice. It is hard enough, without my hopes being built up and shattered over and over again. The nurse today treated me like a number. I think she thinks I am being a pushy patient with money who can buy this and that in order to move forward. If only she knew the truth. We owe money, we are borrowing more money. My husband worked 60 hours last week to try and up our income. We are just normal middle class people. Neither parents have disposable income or savings. We have always lived for the day. We have been trying for a baby for 4 years. It is all I focus on. It is all I can think about. We have been on their waiting list for 19 months, and it will be almost two years when we cycle. We have been pushed from pillar to post, referred to the wrong department and told several different stories.....

So I am not some woman who thinks money can push her up the ladder.. I am not someone who had a private cycle just to fill the time... I am desperate. I am living every day waiting for it to pass. I am just waiting for my baby....please don't judge me.


So...it is 13 weeks until they finish their Christmas holiday, and AF is due the same time... Let's start counting.

Keep waiting....

A forum friend posted this on the forum for all of us IVF ladies... I think it is beautiful... 

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
It calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you.
When the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there 
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole 
ordeal.
 In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for 
being the kind of person who shows persistance.
 If it were not for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years, You have been trying. 
Thinking of giving up but never doing it.
 In the end you just keep on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves
me, the one who can love me as no other can.
You will be that mother that you always wanted to be. 
Just you keep waiting for me.

I do not know where it is from, or who the author is, however I do think it captures the emotions we go through. 

I have some IVF updates... I will write later, I do not want to distract from the poem.