Despairing....

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my feelings in a humorous way. Looking back at my posts, it seems they are more heart felt and not very funny. The truth is, this journey is no longer funny. It is hard work, it is long and tiring... sometimes, we smile, but often we cry. All I can do is hope, and hope that it ends with joy and happiness.

After a weekend with high emotions, I have so much to say. I am not sure where to start. Hubby and I are finding it really hard this weekend (Usual for me, but not for hubby) after attending an Information Day organised by the Infertility Network.

The day was informative...we learnt lots of interesting details that we didn't know before. The biggest for us was probably finding out that due to funding, Wales only offer 2 NHS funded IVF treatments now, instead of 3.

There were speakers on the following; Male fertility, IVF and IUI procedures, Donor Egg and Sperm, Camera Technologies, Clinic Appointments, Acupuncture, Adoption and also Jessica Hepburn (the author of The Pursuit to Motherhood).

Two of the speakers were staff from our last clinic. One was the consultant, the other was a nurse ( a lovely, kind, wonderful nurse). This was when it all got a little emotional. I won't hide the fact that I would go back to them in a heartbeat. I think we are so, so lucky to have the NHS, and to have IVF funded cycles. However, I felt safe with them, they understand how my first cycle went, and because it was private, they have the time to sit and listen to concerns, to be at the other end of the phone. Obviously, due to the strain, NHS staff just don't have this time. The other advantage is that we get to choose the donor. At our NHS clinic it is chosen for us, they just try to match hair and eye colour. So we both got a little emotional that our time with the clinic has come to an end, and has left us wondering if there is any way we can try Egg sharing again....they are booking us a second follow up appointment, so we can talk about how we can bring costs down.

This was then made worse by then finding out that we may have been misinformed by the NHS about our treatment start. We are 'due' to start in December, however ( I did have concerns about this a while ago, but put them to the back of my mind) it seems that donor sperm takes 3 months to organise and import on the NHS funded cycles. I know this hasn't even been discussed, so we may be waiting until next Feb/March. This seems impossible. I need to discuss this at the information session on the 9th October.

Listening to the information, obviously as we have had a failed cycle, we knew alot of the information about the procedures. This brought it all back. We would have been a week or so away from our 12 week scan now, and instead we were sat in an infertility meeting, holding our infertility packs. It was a heart wrencher.

So, we left there confused, shaken and sad. I am glad we went... but I just want my baby now.

So today, I got rather upset again. I wanted to go out, I wanted to go somewhere where I was too busy to think. I don't want to think about any of it. I didn't want to be at home. What reason have I got to be at home? I have no children to cook for, or any homework to complete. I have no naps to consider, and no housework to do. I don't want to look at others, playing with their children, going on days out. I don't want to hear stories of others having family days...bla, bla, bla.

I sound very bitter, and maybe I am. By Monday, I will be okay. But today, I want to wallow.

It has also upset me how alone we are. We are surrounded by friends and family, who all try to support us, but, through no fault of our own, often make it worse. A comment yesterday, when I said we may need to wait until March for our next cycle, was....." well maybe it won't be wise doing at Christmas anyway, so maybe it is a good thing".... they just don't get how painful this is, how every day, it chips a little bit more away from you.

I am rambling on and being incredibly depressing, I apologise. I will pick myself up again soon. It is such a hard journey, and on top of everything else, I am so scared that the next cycle won't work. I want the comfort and stress free experience of the clinic so much, and it's within a fingertips reach. We could start straight away.... and I really feel it is best for us...if only money grew on tree's.

Well, I will turn my sad music off now, say goodnight to the computer and see if I can settle watching the X Factor.

For now, I will say goodnight xxxxxx

Standing up to the world...

I'm sitting here surrounded by things I need to do, and not getting very far. I flit between Babycentre and Facebook, just reading. Productive hey! 

I have just changed this following picture as my cover photograph on Facebook... 

For those just joining, we named our embryo's Chickpea and Baked Bean. Well hubby did, and it grew on me. Friends know about the IVF, but not as public as facebook. I wanted to put up the pictures of our embryo's but I don't think hubby would agree. 

This isn't because I want the world to know our business or because I want sympathy. It is because I feel they were a part of me. Why should I forget them, just because they didn't grow into babies. Friends put pictures of their babies on, and their scan pictures, why shouldn't I have a picture to remember my embryo's by. 

I shouldn't be ashamed because they didn't make it, and I shouldn't have to just move on. I am not sad over the loss anymore. I do sit and think about the journey, what life would be like now had it worked, etc... But I am not wallowing in self pity. However, I do feel that other peoples attitude is this... well it didn't work, your not pregnant, forget it all and move on. 

No I shall not. My first IVF cycle taught me a lot, it had an impact on my life, my marriage, my friendships, my family. Why should I not be proud that we created 2 embryo's and I kept them warm for the time that I did. 

I put photo's of my dog and cat on facebook, so now I have Chickpea and Baked bean on there... 

I may read this back in 6 months and decide I am officially loopy...what do you think?

Here come the tears....

It has taken me 4 weeks. I cried when I got my BFN of course. But then I picked myself up, brushed myself off and got on with life. I was brave, or so I thought. I have been feeling 'off' for a few days. Getting stressed at silly things, feeling hurt when I hear other people's baby news.. and then last night I tipped over the edge.

I cried and cried and cried. I remember being on cloud nine walking out of the clinic, with 2 teeny embryo's inside their mummy. I got stopped in Sainsbury's because the alarm went off and I didn't even care. (It was a tag that Superdrug had left on my make up!) I grinned all the way home. I spent the next 5 days in a daze of happiness. Then it all fell apart.

I would do anything to be back there now, to feel that feeling again. To be a mummy again, even if it was for just 5 days.

So last night, I let it all out. I cried for my plans, for my pregnancy that wasn't meant to be, for my husband, for the people who helped us financially, for me and for my embryo's...for Chickpea and Baked Bean.

Reading back on my blog, a lot of my posts sound negative. I don't want you to think I am a negative person because that is far from the truth. I am a very positive person. However, this blog is my outlet.. it is where I can put my feelings without having to say them. If I tried to write a diary I would never sit and dedicate time to it...this works because I tell myself that I must keep updating it as people read it...you poor people!


I have 6 weeks and 3 days until our treatment planning appointment...not that I am counting or anything ;)

Onwards and upwards.....

Stop the infertility whisper..

As time passes, and things go slowly, you realise how lonely it is in the world of infertility.

Once the IVF has finished, people assume you are okay, stop being curious and move on, leaving us with a popped bubble. Life has to carry on, yes. But why can we not mention it without people shutting down. Our infertility is nothing to be ashamed of.

So, I have signed up to volunteer with the Infertility Network, I will support the infertility awareness week, and if someone asked me if I plan to have children, I will tell them that we are having IVF.

Obviously, my way is not right for everyone else. Some prefer to keep it to themselves, and of course that is fine. But I feel that people who would like to share but don't because they are unsure of how others will take it, should be able to talk about it.

Just my little rant for today...

I am waiting for the 27th September, where I will be attending an Infertility Network Information Day in Cardiff.... and I am thinking of booking some acupuncture... stories and experiences would be very welcome!

As time goes on...

It has been a week since my last post and not much to report!

It is that time of month again when you wait in hope that a miracle has happened. However I am sad to report that I do not think it has..

Babies and Bellies are everywhere. It seem's everyone is telling me...''oh you know that person, she has had a baby!'' It takes all my strength not to tell them that I don't care! Which is probably mean, as I am a caring person, but I just don't want to hear it. I do not want my heart ripped out again and again when someone else gets the one thing I have longed for for years.

It was hubby's birthday on the weekend. We went away for a night which was lovely. It took my mind off of things. This will be the 4th birthday that I haven't bought him a dad card. He had one from the dog instead!

It is funny, the strange things that hurt. Like the birthday cards, the empty space under the Christmas tree, the baby aisle in the supermarket. All these things that remind you that you remain childless.

I am rambling. I have been fairly okay since the failed cycle but I am struggling right now. Everything is supposed to go back to normal, I am expected to get over it, people have stopped discussing it and asking if I am okay. I am not an attention seeking type of person and I don't want everyone to fall over trying to help me. However I have this irrational feeling that it shouldn't just be forgotten. Those were my embryo's, my potential babies. My first scan would have been this week. But it is all a past memory in everyone's minds.

Still, I guess time goes on..it has too. We cannot give up. We need to pull our PMA (positive mental attitude) pants up and live life. It will happen, and when it does, I will not let a single person let me take any of it for granted.

xxxx

Waiting for the train again...

First I need to apologise for leaving you all with no answers....

After my period arrived early I went into shutdown. I functioned as normal. I smiled, I laughed, I was 'normal'. But on the inside, I was devastated, I wanted to close the door to a dark room and just cry. I wanted someone to tell me why. Answer my question when I asked what happened.

But when I asked, there was silence. No one has an answer. It just didn't work. We tested on the Friday (15th) and saw the result we expected.One line.

I was already prepared, which was good as we were moving house that day. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, painted a smile on and off we went. We were busy that weekend so coped pretty well.

It was hard, because we coped, because we smiled, people assumed I was over it. It was done and gone. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered. The plans I had thought about over and over again.

It get's easier. That I can tell you. You think about it less. It is like a loss. A different type of loss, but still painful. We put so much faith in it working. So much hope in our embryo's.

But...  we have experience now, we know what to expect. My body has been through it already. All those things should mean next time should be a little bit easier.

At our follow up appointment I was told it was just one of those things. I struggled going back there. I was supposed to go back for my viability scan. But instead, I sat in the waiting room, watching a new mum showing the staff her beautiful baby, and waiting to be told where I could go from here.

We had an appointment today at the NHS clinic. It went well and we start our second cycle in December. I am so happy, and feel so blessed.
My great Nan passed away last Sunday. Maybe she is looking down on us. If so, then thank you Nan.
We have our second chance and I am so grateful.

I will keep updating. I am going to take this time to loose some weight, try to build my business, www.sentimentaltreasures.moonfruit.com and enjoy life.

But when that train arrives, I will be the first one on.....