Day 17 - How many Embies?!

Thursday 31st July - Waiting for the call.

Half past 8. That was when my phone rang. A mobile number that I didn't recognised. Whoooop! 

5 out of our 6 eggs fertilised. 

5 little embies are currently relaxing in the clinic. We will get a phone call on Saturday morning to let us know whether the Egg Transfer will be Saturday or Monday. 

I am so, so pleased. I have hope and faith that our babies are growing now - test day in 16 days. 

16 days and I 'may' be seeing that positive! 

Day 16 - Egg Collection

Today (or yesterday - sorry I am a day late) was the day.

I woke at 5. Up and in the shower. Showered with water (no fragrance or scented soaps allowed). Took out/off my jewellery all apart from my wedding band. No deodorant, no make up. In hindsight, maybe I should have gone in my Jim jams! Popped in my cyclogest pessary and thats me done.

Hubby also had to go hair gel and deodorant free. Was a very quick morning getting ready. Popped my slippers and dressing gown in my bag.

Was Nil by Mouth, so no food for me. Just a couple of sips of water. Made our way to the clinic. Traffic was quite heavy despite leaving at 6.45am. I was feeling very nervous. I didn't know what to expect. I have a sickness phobia, so I was terrified of the drugs making me sick.

Got to the clinic at 7.30 and waiting for the time to tick by so we could make our way in at 8am. Time went so slow. I watched people making there way to work, tried to think of everything but what was happening. At 7.50, the door was opened and another couple were making there way in. The nurse spotted us and held open the door for us...here we go....

We were told to go straight up to the treatment room. Inside was a large bed/chair, an armchair, a bedside table. A few magazines and a telly to keep us distracted...yea right!!

Was asked to fill in a couple more forms, then to take two more pessaries. Painkillers this time. Then the anesthetist came to talk to me, and put in my canulla.  That was over quickly and only stung for a while. I then learnt that we were one of 6 couples and I was number 4. Oh... I had 1 hour and a half to wait. I was biting hubby's head off and trying to sink myself into a travel magazine. After what felt like a lifetime my consultant popped her head around the door and asked if I was ready. Ha! No! I was going home!

With my heart beating and my skin clammy, I followed her down to the treatment room. Went into the darkened room and Radio 1 was playing. I led on the bed, with my legs in stirrups. Classy! I was given an anti sickness drug, to calm my nerves, bless them. And then given the sedation. I don't remember much more. It felt like seconds later and they were telling me that it was all over.

I was pushed back to the recovery room in a wheelchair, and got back on my bed, where I stayed for the next hour and a half. I had two glasses of water, a cup of tea and some biscuits. The nurse asked me how I was feeling and I felt fine, just a little tired. She said that if I went to the toilet, I would be able to go home.

I then (probably too quickly) got up from the bed, and went so dizzy. Hubby told me to sit down, and then all goes blank. Apparently I sat on the bed, then fell forward and ended up in a heap on the floor. Apparently I shook the lights downstairs!

Hubby and the nurses managed to pick me up, and it was then that I started coming round. I was given oxygen, and my blood pressure was taken and was very low. I then stayed led down while hubby went to get me a sandwich and some chocolate. I ate some food, and slowly, over time, sat up. About 2 hours later, I got up to move rooms. The nurses wanted to see me in several different environments before I left.

After that, I slowly got dressed. 20 minutes later we then went downstairs to wait in the reception. A total 5 hours after my Egg Collection, we got to go home. I was tired and sore for the rest of the day, but no more fainting!

Think I gave everyone a scare. The best news is that we got 6 eggs! Not enough to egg share though, which I am gutted about, but I am very grateful to be given the chance to continue with my treatment.

It really isn't that bad. The fainting was worse than the procedure, and that was a combination of low blood pressure, low sugar levels and getting up too quickly. I didn't eat that much the day before, due to being so bloated. However, maybe if I'd had a bar of chocolate before I went to bed, maybe that would have helped. I should also have asked for sugar in my tea after the procedure.

Try not to panic. It's not wonderful, but it's IVF. It's full of sacrifices to enable us to have our little miracles.

Back at home, we wait for the fertilisation phone call...

Day 14 - Guardian Angels...

Someone was looking down on me today... 

My mother and I arrived at the clinic a little early, so we went inside to wait. The consultant was in theatre, so we waited a little longer than usual. 

I was a quivering wreck. I was so worried that something may have happened to the remaining follies, and someone would say it was all over. 

We went in, and I explained that we were happy to have full IVF. I had my scan, which was the quietest and longest 5 minutes I have experienced in a long time. 

Once all over, the consultant told me that I have 7 follicles that are mature and ready to go. I also have 1 little follicle that is just a bit behind in growth, but it may catch up, so keeping everything crossed whilst sat here with my hot water bottle on my stomach....grow, follie, grow! 

So Egg Collection is booked for 8am on Wednesday. I will take my trigger shot tonight at 10.15pm. My alarm is set and I'm ready to go. Looking forward to doing my last injection and a drug free day tomorrow. 

I am blessed to be here, in this situation. My dream is getting closer....thank you guardian angel xx

Day 14 - Catching up...

Today is the 14th day since this cycle began, and I have been administering the injections for 13 days.

I also haven't updated for just short of 2 weeks, and for that, I apologise. I wanted to update daily, but it all got on top of me. So, I am going to give a brief update, some days will have more to say than others.

Monday 21st July

My first scan. Hubby had work, and was unable to take the time off, so my mother in law came with me. We got there nice and early, and I had no nerves really. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was just excited to get going!

I went in, and the nurse scanned me first. She counted the follicles, and found 11, however they were still very small, not much growing going on. She went away to talk to the consultant leaving me a bit numb. I know a lot of the lingo words, I know roughly what my medication is doing, but I didn't understand what this meant. Was it bad? Or was I just a bit slower than others.

She came back. They had decided to up my dose of Gonal - F from 150ml to 225ml. Away I went, waiting for the next scan, the day after next. I was worried, but just hoped the increase in Gonal-F would kick in.

Wednesday 23rd July

Again, Hubby was working, so off I went with my mother in law. We got to the clinic, and today I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect and was terrified of the cycle being cancelled. The nurse scanned me again. This time, she counted 13 follicles. Wonderful, I thought. However then she told me that once again, they hadn't grown much, and off she went to talk to the consultant, leaving me to do my injection. 

She came back and said they were keeping me at the same dose and would see me on Friday for my next scan. Then I got emotional. I asked if it was really bad news, and got quite upset. We have waited so long for this, and it wasn't going how i'd imagined it. She was lovely, and reassured me, and told me that I was just slow to respond. I went away, a little grizzly, but ok!

Friday 25th July

Hubby was off, so off we went, driving the hour down to the clinic. I was a nervous wreck! I'd been quite uncomfortable the day before, so was hoping this meant good things. A different nurse today, and she was so lovely. She asked hubby if he wanted to watch the scan and she would show him the follicles etc. She was quite while carrying out the scan, and then said I had 6 good sized follicles, but only 3 others, that were still small.

Off she went to get the consultant, again. Got dressed, only to be told the consultant wanted to scan me. So, another scan, while the silent consultant did her bit. I led on the bed and prayed. It was all I could do. I could feel everything slipping away. When all done and I was dressed, the consultant sat down with ''that face''. I knew then. She said that I didn't have enough follicles to egg share. This meant cancelling the cycle....unless we could cough up £4,650. We had £450 put aside for ICSI, but that was as far as it went.

She left us together, and the nurse brought us a cup of tea, and said that we could take as long as we needed. I completely broke down. How could we have waited so long, struggled so hard and watch it all end here. All we needed was a chance. I couldn't stop thinking that one of the follicles that had tried so hard to grow, could be my baby. How could I just let it... fade away.

We wanted to try and borrow the money, but sitting in the nurse's room isn't the best place to ring round family and friends. The nurse said that it was a big decision that couldn't be made overnight, and that I could carry on with my injections, including my new Orgalutran. (to stop ovulation - more common in people on a antagonist cycle) and come back Monday for a scan, with our decision.

I was a mess, an hour later I was a mess, later that day...can you sense what's coming?!

Our dear friends offered to lend up half of the money, and later that evening members of our family matched this. We have quite a bit to repay, but we are truly blessed to have had this chance. We are so lucky to be able to go forward and I am eternally grateful.

Today - Monday 28th July

So here I am, updated this, ready to go for another scan. I am relieved that we have the funds to carry on, but I am so scared that something else will be negative. I am not overly bloated, I am not very uncomfortable, so what if they have all disappeared. I suppose after 3 negative scans, I will be panicking! I just need to breathe, relax and take each moment as it comes.

I hope that I will be able to positively update later, but if not, then I thank god that I am still here, healthy and alive....

Day 4 - Getting Nervous

Friday 18th. So 3rd injection today. All went well again, stung a tiny but today, but nothing to put me off.

Struggled with eating and drinking enough, the heat didn't help l don't think.

I was stupidly tired, and just wanted to lie on the sofa. Not sure if that was the weather or the drugs. Trying not to google side effects.
Getting nervous about my reaction to the drugs now. On one hand im worried I will find out that im not responding well, and on the other hand im scared of over stimulated. Trying really hard to just relax, but this journey is full of so many emotions. I guess I will.find out what's happening at my scan on Monday.

Went to see our (hopefully) new house today, and loved it.. Perfect bedroom for a nursery :-)

Went to bed with my hot water bottle and ended up soaked. Brand new and broken, so back to the shop.

More updates on day 5 later...

Me xxx

Day 3 - learning the ropes.

So day 3 (Thursday 17th) - the second day of injections. All went ok, in fact it is surprising how quickly you get used to administering them.

I have started a food diary, which includes measures of the amount of protien consumed. It is quite difficult to measure how much you have had, and they advise 65g per day!

So I was quite uncomfortable in the evening. Very bloated. But I think that was due to the amount of food and drink I'd consumed. 3 litres of water and 1 litre of milk is quite a lot!

Hot water bottle again in the evening. Im hoping we are going ahead in the right direction.

Posting on my phone today, so no fancy signature. Keep your eyes peeled for day 4..

Me xxx

Day 2 - The first injection

It seemed like forever watching the clock. I was due to do my injection at 10am, and the time was going so slowly. At 9.53am I took out my purple bag, took my Gonal - F out of the fridge, and put my sharps box in front of me.

Dialling up to 150ml, I decided there was only one thing to do  - just go for it.

So, I did just that. In seconds it was over. Again, not a pain in sight. Possibly a funny sensation whilst the liquid went in, however that could have been my over indulgent imagination!

I was a little shaky for 5 minutes afterwards, but that was most likely the adrenaline. We then got on with our day, and all was fine! There is a little reddish spot there now, but it doesn't hurt.

I found it was a bit of an anti climax. I have spent so long waiting for this day, and it was over in seconds. I am glad that I had lots to do to take my mind off of it.

So I have had 4 litres of water, 2 breasts of chicken among other protein filled foods, 5 brazil nuts, and now I am sitting with a hot water bottle on my belly.

Come on follicles, lets get growing!

And for another day, I say goodnight!

All aboard the IVF train - Day 1

Ok, so firstly must apologise, this should have been posted yesterday as the first official day of our first IVF cycle. We were in the city all day, not getting home until 10pm, and today we have been getting the house ready for a viewing, so I haven't had chance to breathe!

I will try to update daily from here on in. I know how interesting I would  find it, reading a day to day diary, so would like to share, for any like-minded people out there. So I will start from the very beginning!

Monday 14th July

CD1 - AF arrives. After giving up hope. After being on the pill for 2 months, I was unsure how my body was going to react. I was so worried that I would need to delay my scan, that I actually cried with joy! (Shhh, don't tell anyone!)

Tuesday 15th July - Treatment begins

IVF Day 1 - We are an hour away from the clinic, so we were up bright and breezy. We dropped the dog at my mum's and left home around 12.30 for our appointment at 2pm. We went armed with my Supercur, which I needed to hand back in (due to my plan being changed to an antagonist cycle) and my Gonal - F pen, ready to do my injection teach.

The nurses at the clinic really are lovely, and I feel so at ease around them. We talked about the cycle, what was happening regarding drugs and staying calm! She carried out the baseline scan, and said everything looked fine and we were ready to start injecting.

I was told that I would take my first injection the following day (today) and take one every morning for 6 days. I would next be scanned on Monday the 21st to see how things are progressing.

We then did the injection teach using my Gonal - F Pen, but without injecting liquid. I was told to pinch an inch of skin, and then go for it. I did. And honestly didn't feel a thing. It bled a little when I took it out, but nothing to scream about.

I then had more bloods taken to check for transmittable diseases, and then we were ready to go. We handed in our consent forms, paid our HFEA Fee, and went out into the sunshine.

The clinic had a support meeting that evening, so we hung about, grabbed some food, and had a look around the shops. Living in between 2 small towns, it is nice to look around the big city!

At 6.30, we were back at the clinic and meeting another lovely couple who are about to embark on their first IVF cycle. A little behind us, they were keen to hear all about the process so far. One of the nurses was running the support group, and she was wonderful. She explained so much, and answered lots of questions, and really made me feel at home! I didn't want to leave!

We left the clinic, tired but excited for the journey ahead. Going to bed, ready to wake up to my first injection.

So, without further ado, I will pass you on to Day 2 .....

Already in love with you...

Who can relate to this quote... I know I can. As mental as it sounds, I am already attached to my baby... I love my baby. The baby who is yet to come.

Operation Positive

It is a week until my baseline scan. All being well, it then all kicks off. 

We are so close. For the first time since we found out about hubby's Azoospermia I am struggling. Since the diagnosis we have known that we wouldn't get pregnant, so I guess we focused on other things. We were on a long NHS waiting list, and had to do just that. In that time, I could cope with bumps and babies. 

Now that we are so close, I am getting emotional. I have people all around me that are trying to conceive, people who are having babies, people planning on trying to conceive. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased and happy for them. But it doesn't seem fair. We have been trying for over 4 years, we have dreamt of bringing our baby home for that long, and it is so hard to watch others do it with ease. 

I am sure I am not alone. I am sure there are thousands of ladies that feel exactly the same. A maternal instinct that has to be compressed because we haven't got what nature intended. 

So ''Operation Postive'' starts today. In about 3 weeks, I will be having my egg collection. A few days later, a strong and perfect little embie will be finding a snug place to nest. Two weeks after that, I will be seeing those two lines. And this time next year, I will be looking at our miracle. Because, this is going to happen. I will be a Mummy.

So here is your assignment .... you are also going to carry out ''Operation Positive''. I don't care where you are in your fertility journey. You will today set yourself a timeline. You will tell yourself you will do it, you will achieve it, and you will become a Mummy too. 

We need to keep this positive attitude. Because, we should not have to go through life feeling negative. Together, we will all have our miracle babies ... have hope. 

Overwhelmed...

A friend had a baby today. I am, of course, pleased for her, but my god it hurts. I didn't feel it when she told me this morning. But now, as I sit here on my own, I just can't seem to shake off the knot lying in my chest.

I haven't felt like this in a while. While knowing we couldn't conceive, but treatment being a while away, I have been calm, and have coped with babies and pregnancy. Suddenly, knowing that pregnancy MAY be weeks away, I have been overwhelmed with emotion.

I am trying so hard to be positive, trying to imagine a BFP. But it so hard when a voice is muttering ''why would I be that lucky'' in my head.

We have to sign our consent forms. That's exciting! However, I have to tick to say that I agree to abandon the cycle if I do not get enough eggs to egg share. I have to have over 8. If I get under 8, my little eggs that I have grown, will just fade away because we cannot afford a full IVF cycle.

I am struggling to understand why so many ladies, who just want to be a mum, struggle for years. We are put on a roller-coaster of emotions, a roller-coaster of hope, and fear, and strength and faith, of worry and hurt, of anxiety and of excitement. A journey of tears and laughter. A dream that keeps revolving. There is no end, it just goes round and round.

Many ladies get that BFP so soon. They see the heartbeat and learn the sex. They meet their bundle of joy. A lady could do all that 4 times in the time that I have been trying. A lady I know is just about to have her 3rd baby. I have seen each one come into the world, in the time that we have been trying.

Please don't think this is a negative post, as it is not. I am hopeful that it will work. I am praying I will get to see that second line. I am just trying to express how I feel, in the hope that this pressure on my chest will go away. This pain will evaporate into the night sky.

To all you ladies out there, the ones that feel the same pain, I am right with you. I understand. I am sending you hugs. We WILL be mummies. I will take myself off to bed now, tomorrow is another day.

A little bit longer...

So my post title today should be 'Day 2'. Infact, I should have updated you all yesterday on my first injections.

So, got to the clinic, armed with my meds, only to be told I was booked in at 2, not 10.30. Oh dear. I am so, so sure that I was correct. I remember writing the time in my diary whilst on the phone booking the appointment. However, it is possible that my brain has turned to mush...

Anyway, they were really good and said fitting me in was no problem. When waiting in the waiting area, I heard the nurse on the phone discussing me. We went into the nurse's room, only to be told that they were changing my plan. (jaw dropping moment)

Due to being slightly polycystic, my cycle is now being changed to an Antagonistic Cycle. Now, I am, unfortunately, not a specialist, and would rather not put false google information on here, but I think this means that they will use a drug to postpone ovulation that is not as likely to cause OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).

Obviously, I am grateful and somewhat relieved that they are trying to ensure the cycle goes as well as possible, but I was very disappointed. I have spent weeks psyching myself up to do injections, and was so excited that the 1st July was the start of my IVF. Suddenly, I am told that I have another 2 weeks to wait.

I feel better about it now. I just pray that it is as effective as the other drugs. I will now come off the pill on the 10th of July, ready (hopefully) for my baseline scan on the 15th.

So now we wait. And continue to dream of the day we see our BFP. It won't be long!