Dreams may come true...

You wait, you wish, you dream....and then, it happens. And ...you freak out! 

We had our date today. Our Egg collection is on the 28th July. 9 weeks and 3 days. The moment where the lovely staff at our clinic try to fulfill dreams. The dreams of two families. 

We started trying to start our family 4 years ago. In the early days, I'm not sure I contemplated what would happen when we saw those 2 lines. We were just trying. 

Now in less than 10 weeks time (fingers crossed and all going well), I will have an embie put back inside of me, and we live in hope that a couple of weeks from there, we will have our BFP. 

I'm scared now. Scared of the treatment, Scared of it not working, even a little bit scared of it working (in a funny sort of way!) We have waited so long and now the possibility is virtually at our finger tips. 

My head is spinning with everything I should be doing and how to prepare. 

I am, of course, very excited too! I am amazed at what the end result may hopefully be. 

Hubby is being amazing. He is so excited. He had his FSH levels back today. They were 21, so seems that they are settling around the twenties. The consultant feel's that there is very little chance of retrieving anything, so we are full speed ahead with a donor. I am so proud of him, and the person he has become. He often gets put down by the people who are supposed to be close to him... but he really is a better person than they dare to believe. 

So not long now, the wait is almost over. We will begin to count the days... 

And...breathe.

Ok, so I am a little calmer that earlier. Only a little though...don't relax too much!!

So as you may have guessed, today I received my pill. I have never been so glad to see the contraceptive pill!

I start taking next week hopefully, on the second day of my next cycle. Now I am just waiting for a treatment plan.

Someone pinch me...I think I may be dreaming.

And on that note, Goodnight, Sleep tight xx

Aaaaaaaaaaa!

Aaaaaaaaaaa! Just Aaaaaaaaah!

'..'Not your child..''

For anyone out there that believes that using a donor takes away your parental status...

We are using Donor Sperm to conceive our much wanted child - I am sharing my eggs to give another couple the chance of a family. A lady recently expressed her view that my husband would not be a father, and that I would have children everywhere. 

The naivety of some people both humors and saddens me. 

Who am I, that hears your beating heart from the womb?

Who am I, that watches your first breath, 

Who am I, that holds your tiny body just minutes old?

Who am I, that witnesses your first smile? 

Who am I, that helps you take your first steps? 

Who am I, that reads you a bedtime story and kisses you goodnight?

Who am I, that walks you through the playground on your first day at school?

Who am I, that watches you run through the sea and play in the sand?

Who am I, that see's your face when you go to the zoo for the first time?

Who am I, that pushes you on the swing and catches you off the slide?

Who am I, that consoles you when you loose your teddy?

Who am I, that sits with you through the night when you are ill?

Who am I, that helps you with your homework?

Who am I, that watches your school performance with pride?

Who am I, that feels your pain and sadness?

Who am I, that shares your happiness?

Who am I, that watches you in awe and pride?

I am your parent, and I will love you for eternity.... 

Those are the things that matter. They are the things that make us a parent. A mother or a father. 

My husband will make the most amazing father, and I am so immensely proud of him, even now. I can tell he loves a baby that isn't conceived yet. How dare anyone tell me that he will not become a father. He already is one. 

The lady that recieves my eggs will already love her child. She has waited and wanted long enough to make the decision she has made. She will make a wonderful mother. I hope, if she ever has someone talk about the lack of biology, that she shrugs her shoulders and turns away smiling. Because they are ignorant to the facts. 

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You have made such a strong decision to take the gift of biology. You already love your child that much. 

"Life is like a rollercoaster.... "

Wow, 900 views! Hopefully we can soon get it up to 1K!

Well, it's been a crazy week.

Early last week I received news that a recipient had been contacted, and we are waiting on a reply, to see whether I am her match! My email inbox has never been refreshed so many times a day!! 

So we started off pretty straight forward. And then. I lost my job. Not in a awful, your sacked kind of way, but in a, we don't really need you any more kind of way. So with treatment weeks away, I'm not sure where to go from here... No employer will take me on knowing I am about to go through IVF. So I am trying to get freelance work and wondering how we will manage financially. 

I make Sentimental Gifts, Sentimental Treasures and will try to sell these, but it is slow moving, and like any business, slow to get up off the ground. 

And then... On Friday, Hubby had his results appointment at the NHS Clinic. Or most of his results. Some still weren't back ... 7 months later. He is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. He also has high FSH. Usually the two don't go together. The consultant said if you have the Cystic Fibrosis Gene, the azoospermia is usually obstructive, and hormonal problems are non-obstructive. So he is a medical mystery. And if that isn't confusing enough, his FSH levels have gone from 27 last April (2013) to 17.9 in December. People say they don't fluctuate, but they have dropped by 10. 

So the bloods have been repeated, and we go back next Friday. What a whirlwind. I broke down, and felt so so selfish, as all I could think about was the treatment being cancelled. We have waited so long, and this comes along and messes it up. Perhaps I should have been elated. If his FSH drop anymore, they may be looking at sperm retrieval. I was confused, I was hurt and I felt cheated. All I could see were months ahead of me of more waiting. Waiting for the outcome to be the same. 

I called our private clinic and explained. The nurse was lovely, and assured me that nothing would be affected at the moment and we had the time to get the results. She thinks it is just a blip, and we will still be using Donor Sperm. 

Hubby, bless his soul, is still happy to go forward with a donor. He understands how important it is for us both to continue, and says that if his results go down, we could always try retrieval in the future. 

It worries us that by genetically fathering a child, he may pass down the gene, and the other little health problems he has. He will make an amazing father, regardless of the genetics. I was told last week by my employer (ex!) that it won't be his child. That the eggs I share will become my children. Well.... more of that to come in the next post. 

For now, we wait. We wait to hear if we have transformed the life of another. 

Let me tell you something...if you can get through the turmoil of infertility and IVF...you can get through ANYTHING! 

Finding my match...

So the clinic phoned this morning. We have the results after 4 long weeks. Not quite as long as the 7 months poor hubby has waited for the same results. We are due to get those on Friday. Watch this space. 

All is fine. I cried. I actually jumped for joy, then burst into tears. After 4 years of waiting, I am waiting for something catastrophic to happen.

They are looking at matching tomorrow, but already have someone in mind. The lovely nurse said I should have my letter and pill out in the post within a week. 

I phoned hubby, then my mum, then text my best friend. Then when I stopped to think about it myself, it wasn't our dream I thought about. 

I thought about the lady that will get a phone call this week, telling her that they have found a match, that if she is to accept she will start treatment soon. I thought about her dream, how it was beginning to come true. Somewhere, a lady will be wearing the same grin as me, be living on cloud nine. If she accepts, I made her dream possible. If there is something positive to come out of four years of waiting - this is it....