Blinded by the storm..

I have been flying around in a whirlwind of emotions these last few days. The roller-coaster effect has taken off, and so much has happened and then un-happened. I am tired of being told one thing, tired of another happening, tired of feeling empty, and tired of fighting.

Monday - Accepted onto egg sharing again... but decide to find out the in's and out's of the NHS first. Call the NHS, get told the information I was given a month ago (that we would start in December) was wrong and that it would actually be March 15. Devastated. This ended in me in the middle of Starbucks, sobbing like a right idiot! Decided to see if Hubby could get a loan to cover the cost of Donor sperm... then we would egg share again. Called the clinic, they could match me straight away! Excitement!

Tuesday - Got worried about the cycle affecting our NHS cycle and called the NHS clinic. It would mean we only had 1 cycle left. That was OK, nothing lost, nothing gained. I am happy to loose a cycle if I can afford to egg share. Why should I get it, if I can use a private clinic. However, in asking questions, find out that I had again been told the wrong information, and I could indeed pay for the sperm to quicken the NHS cycle up. This would be slightly less that egg sharing, and mean we could continue with the NHS. However, the nurse's attitude hurt. She told me I was really lucky to be able to pay privately and that's why we loose a cycle.

Wednesday - Uneventful day, quite excited to go to the information day tomorrow.

Thursday - Get to the information session and it all feel's so real. Presentation was done and we got to speak to some of the staff. I wanted to confirm the sperm donor ordering etc. It was then, that I get told that we wouldn't be cycling until the New Year, due to the clinic being closed at Christmas. Gutted. Again. We have spent a very long day deciding what to do. I am so tempted to cycle this year, but know that are best chances of a successful cycle are with the NHS.


I understand the NHS have limited availability, but I have not been given the same information twice. It is hard enough, without my hopes being built up and shattered over and over again. The nurse today treated me like a number. I think she thinks I am being a pushy patient with money who can buy this and that in order to move forward. If only she knew the truth. We owe money, we are borrowing more money. My husband worked 60 hours last week to try and up our income. We are just normal middle class people. Neither parents have disposable income or savings. We have always lived for the day. We have been trying for a baby for 4 years. It is all I focus on. It is all I can think about. We have been on their waiting list for 19 months, and it will be almost two years when we cycle. We have been pushed from pillar to post, referred to the wrong department and told several different stories.....

So I am not some woman who thinks money can push her up the ladder.. I am not someone who had a private cycle just to fill the time... I am desperate. I am living every day waiting for it to pass. I am just waiting for my baby....please don't judge me.


So...it is 13 weeks until they finish their Christmas holiday, and AF is due the same time... Let's start counting.