I also haven't updated for just short of 2 weeks, and for that, I apologise. I wanted to update daily, but it all got on top of me. So, I am going to give a brief update, some days will have more to say than others.
Monday 21st July
My first scan. Hubby had work, and was unable to take the time off, so my mother in law came with me. We got there nice and early, and I had no nerves really. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was just excited to get going!
I went in, and the nurse scanned me first. She counted the follicles, and found 11, however they were still very small, not much growing going on. She went away to talk to the consultant leaving me a bit numb. I know a lot of the lingo words, I know roughly what my medication is doing, but I didn't understand what this meant. Was it bad? Or was I just a bit slower than others.
She came back. They had decided to up my dose of Gonal - F from 150ml to 225ml. Away I went, waiting for the next scan, the day after next. I was worried, but just hoped the increase in Gonal-F would kick in.
Wednesday 23rd July
Again, Hubby was working, so off I went with my mother in law. We got to the clinic, and today I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect and was terrified of the cycle being cancelled. The nurse scanned me again. This time, she counted 13 follicles. Wonderful, I thought. However then she told me that once again, they hadn't grown much, and off she went to talk to the consultant, leaving me to do my injection.
She came back and said they were keeping me at the same dose and would see me on Friday for my next scan. Then I got emotional. I asked if it was really bad news, and got quite upset. We have waited so long for this, and it wasn't going how i'd imagined it. She was lovely, and reassured me, and told me that I was just slow to respond. I went away, a little grizzly, but ok!
Friday 25th July
Hubby was off, so off we went, driving the hour down to the clinic. I was a nervous wreck! I'd been quite uncomfortable the day before, so was hoping this meant good things. A different nurse today, and she was so lovely. She asked hubby if he wanted to watch the scan and she would show him the follicles etc. She was quite while carrying out the scan, and then said I had 6 good sized follicles, but only 3 others, that were still small.
Off she went to get the consultant, again. Got dressed, only to be told the consultant wanted to scan me. So, another scan, while the silent consultant did her bit. I led on the bed and prayed. It was all I could do. I could feel everything slipping away. When all done and I was dressed, the consultant sat down with ''that face''. I knew then. She said that I didn't have enough follicles to egg share. This meant cancelling the cycle....unless we could cough up £4,650. We had £450 put aside for ICSI, but that was as far as it went.
She left us together, and the nurse brought us a cup of tea, and said that we could take as long as we needed. I completely broke down. How could we have waited so long, struggled so hard and watch it all end here. All we needed was a chance. I couldn't stop thinking that one of the follicles that had tried so hard to grow, could be my baby. How could I just let it... fade away.
We wanted to try and borrow the money, but sitting in the nurse's room isn't the best place to ring round family and friends. The nurse said that it was a big decision that couldn't be made overnight, and that I could carry on with my injections, including my new Orgalutran. (to stop ovulation - more common in people on a antagonist cycle) and come back Monday for a scan, with our decision.
I was a mess, an hour later I was a mess, later that day...can you sense what's coming?!
Our dear friends offered to lend up half of the money, and later that evening members of our family matched this. We have quite a bit to repay, but we are truly blessed to have had this chance. We are so lucky to be able to go forward and I am eternally grateful.
Today - Monday 28th July
So here I am, updated this, ready to go for another scan. I am relieved that we have the funds to carry on, but I am so scared that something else will be negative. I am not overly bloated, I am not very uncomfortable, so what if they have all disappeared. I suppose after 3 negative scans, I will be panicking! I just need to breathe, relax and take each moment as it comes.
I hope that I will be able to positively update later, but if not, then I thank god that I am still here, healthy and alive....
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