The truth behind IVF....

Naively, I thought once we had a positive test, I would be elated...and I am. However it is tinged by worry. Worry that the pregnancy won't progress. Worry that I don't ''feel'' pregnant.

I know that if the worst happens, it happens. Nothing I can say, do or feel will have any bearing on that. So I am trying to stay calm, and enjoy each day. But sometimes I wonder if I am enjoying something that isn't there.

I have know for 6 days now that we are pregnant. I also have 7 tests to prove it. I used to read posts on BC about people that do loads of tests. I thought they were mad. I would often think, ''your pregnant, a line is a line!!''

However, when you are in that position, it is difficult to believe.

To sum up IVF..

• You spend months waiting for treatment, worrying that it will go wrong, or you won't react to the drugs.
• Then, when treatment starts, you spend a few weeks worrying you won't get enough good eggs.
• Then after egg collection, you worry that the eggs won't fertilise
• Then after your next day call, you worry your embryo's won't progress
• After your transfer, you worry whether the embryo's are implanting
• After you have passed the implantation window, you worry about whether you are pregnant.

After all of that, you would think a positive test will bring a breath of relief. Ha!! 

So now you worry about each twinge, about each feeling, about your 'symptoms' disappearing, about the line not being strong enough, about your HCG levels.. you count down each day with a desire to know what is happening inside your uterus. 

So at the beginning of last week, I was really poorly. I had an upset tummy and felt really sick. (for an emetophobic that isn't a great thing to feel!). I was completely off food, managed to have toast and cereal and a few bites of my dinner each evening. Hubby told me it was pregnancy related, I thought it may be a bug. The symptoms lessened, but continued until Saturday, so I thought maybe hubby was right. After all, a bug lasting 5 days is a long bug. But Sunday, nothing. Monday, nothing. So after moaning about feeling ill, I'm now worrying that I feel better.

I have mild nausea occasionally, sore boobs, a bad back each afternoon, and the occasional twinge and hot flush. My appetite has increased since being poorly. But I don't ''feel'' pregnant. I am 4 weeks and 6 days. Still early. Many people do not get symptoms until about 6 weeks, but still. 

So, today we go to the clinic to collect some more progesterone pessaries. We will get to book in for our scan. I am hoping they will reassure me somewhat. 

I am not anxious, what will be will be, I am not sad or panicking. I am just a parent. I am a mummy and I am worried about my baby(ies). But, I am excited also. Excited that in 8 months, I should have my baby(ies) in my arms. In a few weeks I should see baby or babies on the screen. In 8 weeks I should have my 12 week scan. It is all so exciting and I am so so grateful.