Overwhelmed...

A friend had a baby today. I am, of course, pleased for her, but my god it hurts. I didn't feel it when she told me this morning. But now, as I sit here on my own, I just can't seem to shake off the knot lying in my chest.

I haven't felt like this in a while. While knowing we couldn't conceive, but treatment being a while away, I have been calm, and have coped with babies and pregnancy. Suddenly, knowing that pregnancy MAY be weeks away, I have been overwhelmed with emotion.

I am trying so hard to be positive, trying to imagine a BFP. But it so hard when a voice is muttering ''why would I be that lucky'' in my head.

We have to sign our consent forms. That's exciting! However, I have to tick to say that I agree to abandon the cycle if I do not get enough eggs to egg share. I have to have over 8. If I get under 8, my little eggs that I have grown, will just fade away because we cannot afford a full IVF cycle.

I am struggling to understand why so many ladies, who just want to be a mum, struggle for years. We are put on a roller-coaster of emotions, a roller-coaster of hope, and fear, and strength and faith, of worry and hurt, of anxiety and of excitement. A journey of tears and laughter. A dream that keeps revolving. There is no end, it just goes round and round.

Many ladies get that BFP so soon. They see the heartbeat and learn the sex. They meet their bundle of joy. A lady could do all that 4 times in the time that I have been trying. A lady I know is just about to have her 3rd baby. I have seen each one come into the world, in the time that we have been trying.

Please don't think this is a negative post, as it is not. I am hopeful that it will work. I am praying I will get to see that second line. I am just trying to express how I feel, in the hope that this pressure on my chest will go away. This pain will evaporate into the night sky.

To all you ladies out there, the ones that feel the same pain, I am right with you. I understand. I am sending you hugs. We WILL be mummies. I will take myself off to bed now, tomorrow is another day.