We are having....

So after I last updated, I had a bit of a meltdown. I was so worried and anxious, which wasn't great. 

I went to see the midwife, who listened in and thinks she heard both heartbeats, which is great with twins, as it is often hard to find them both. However she explained to me that it is difficult to rely on home heartbeat monitors because whilst you may find a heartbeat, 10 minutes later something could happen. That didn't do a brilliant job of reassuring me!! I know she was trying to help, but I went home and broke my heart. I spoke to hubby and we agreed we would book a private scan. Sunday the 15th March, 16 weeks, Mother's Day. 

We went yesterday for our private scan and I was so, so nervous. We went in, not really knowing what to expect. It was lovely and so relaxing. The room was dimly lit, and there was music playing in the background. A TV screen was in front of the scanning bed so that we could watch the scan. Hubby had a nice comfy seat to sit in. To be honest, I only really noticed most of that once we knew both babies were ok. 

So baby 1 was very active, kicking legs all over the place and liked posing for photo's!  I have felt a couple of movements, but cannot believe they can move that much and you not feel it! 

Baby 2 was facedown, and a little shy. We did see baby rubbing it's eyes on the 4d scan though. This was just a freeview, as we didn't pay for a 4d scan. 

Another part of the scan was a gender check. We were very lucky and managed to find out the sex of both babies. 

We are having.... 

Two beautiful baby boys!! 

We are absolutely made up, and it feels so real now! I feel like a mummy, and am so excited to meet them! 

IVF really is a Miracle and I have so much to thank the clinic for! 

Please remember to have hope, because dreams really can come true. 

Day 16 - Egg Collection

Today (or yesterday - sorry I am a day late) was the day.

I woke at 5. Up and in the shower. Showered with water (no fragrance or scented soaps allowed). Took out/off my jewellery all apart from my wedding band. No deodorant, no make up. In hindsight, maybe I should have gone in my Jim jams! Popped in my cyclogest pessary and thats me done.

Hubby also had to go hair gel and deodorant free. Was a very quick morning getting ready. Popped my slippers and dressing gown in my bag.

Was Nil by Mouth, so no food for me. Just a couple of sips of water. Made our way to the clinic. Traffic was quite heavy despite leaving at 6.45am. I was feeling very nervous. I didn't know what to expect. I have a sickness phobia, so I was terrified of the drugs making me sick.

Got to the clinic at 7.30 and waiting for the time to tick by so we could make our way in at 8am. Time went so slow. I watched people making there way to work, tried to think of everything but what was happening. At 7.50, the door was opened and another couple were making there way in. The nurse spotted us and held open the door for us...here we go....

We were told to go straight up to the treatment room. Inside was a large bed/chair, an armchair, a bedside table. A few magazines and a telly to keep us distracted...yea right!!

Was asked to fill in a couple more forms, then to take two more pessaries. Painkillers this time. Then the anesthetist came to talk to me, and put in my canulla.  That was over quickly and only stung for a while. I then learnt that we were one of 6 couples and I was number 4. Oh... I had 1 hour and a half to wait. I was biting hubby's head off and trying to sink myself into a travel magazine. After what felt like a lifetime my consultant popped her head around the door and asked if I was ready. Ha! No! I was going home!

With my heart beating and my skin clammy, I followed her down to the treatment room. Went into the darkened room and Radio 1 was playing. I led on the bed, with my legs in stirrups. Classy! I was given an anti sickness drug, to calm my nerves, bless them. And then given the sedation. I don't remember much more. It felt like seconds later and they were telling me that it was all over.

I was pushed back to the recovery room in a wheelchair, and got back on my bed, where I stayed for the next hour and a half. I had two glasses of water, a cup of tea and some biscuits. The nurse asked me how I was feeling and I felt fine, just a little tired. She said that if I went to the toilet, I would be able to go home.

I then (probably too quickly) got up from the bed, and went so dizzy. Hubby told me to sit down, and then all goes blank. Apparently I sat on the bed, then fell forward and ended up in a heap on the floor. Apparently I shook the lights downstairs!

Hubby and the nurses managed to pick me up, and it was then that I started coming round. I was given oxygen, and my blood pressure was taken and was very low. I then stayed led down while hubby went to get me a sandwich and some chocolate. I ate some food, and slowly, over time, sat up. About 2 hours later, I got up to move rooms. The nurses wanted to see me in several different environments before I left.

After that, I slowly got dressed. 20 minutes later we then went downstairs to wait in the reception. A total 5 hours after my Egg Collection, we got to go home. I was tired and sore for the rest of the day, but no more fainting!

Think I gave everyone a scare. The best news is that we got 6 eggs! Not enough to egg share though, which I am gutted about, but I am very grateful to be given the chance to continue with my treatment.

It really isn't that bad. The fainting was worse than the procedure, and that was a combination of low blood pressure, low sugar levels and getting up too quickly. I didn't eat that much the day before, due to being so bloated. However, maybe if I'd had a bar of chocolate before I went to bed, maybe that would have helped. I should also have asked for sugar in my tea after the procedure.

Try not to panic. It's not wonderful, but it's IVF. It's full of sacrifices to enable us to have our little miracles.

Back at home, we wait for the fertilisation phone call...

Day 14 - Guardian Angels...

Someone was looking down on me today... 

My mother and I arrived at the clinic a little early, so we went inside to wait. The consultant was in theatre, so we waited a little longer than usual. 

I was a quivering wreck. I was so worried that something may have happened to the remaining follies, and someone would say it was all over. 

We went in, and I explained that we were happy to have full IVF. I had my scan, which was the quietest and longest 5 minutes I have experienced in a long time. 

Once all over, the consultant told me that I have 7 follicles that are mature and ready to go. I also have 1 little follicle that is just a bit behind in growth, but it may catch up, so keeping everything crossed whilst sat here with my hot water bottle on my stomach....grow, follie, grow! 

So Egg Collection is booked for 8am on Wednesday. I will take my trigger shot tonight at 10.15pm. My alarm is set and I'm ready to go. Looking forward to doing my last injection and a drug free day tomorrow. 

I am blessed to be here, in this situation. My dream is getting closer....thank you guardian angel xx

Day 14 - Catching up...

Today is the 14th day since this cycle began, and I have been administering the injections for 13 days.

I also haven't updated for just short of 2 weeks, and for that, I apologise. I wanted to update daily, but it all got on top of me. So, I am going to give a brief update, some days will have more to say than others.

Monday 21st July

My first scan. Hubby had work, and was unable to take the time off, so my mother in law came with me. We got there nice and early, and I had no nerves really. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was just excited to get going!

I went in, and the nurse scanned me first. She counted the follicles, and found 11, however they were still very small, not much growing going on. She went away to talk to the consultant leaving me a bit numb. I know a lot of the lingo words, I know roughly what my medication is doing, but I didn't understand what this meant. Was it bad? Or was I just a bit slower than others.

She came back. They had decided to up my dose of Gonal - F from 150ml to 225ml. Away I went, waiting for the next scan, the day after next. I was worried, but just hoped the increase in Gonal-F would kick in.

Wednesday 23rd July

Again, Hubby was working, so off I went with my mother in law. We got to the clinic, and today I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect and was terrified of the cycle being cancelled. The nurse scanned me again. This time, she counted 13 follicles. Wonderful, I thought. However then she told me that once again, they hadn't grown much, and off she went to talk to the consultant, leaving me to do my injection. 

She came back and said they were keeping me at the same dose and would see me on Friday for my next scan. Then I got emotional. I asked if it was really bad news, and got quite upset. We have waited so long for this, and it wasn't going how i'd imagined it. She was lovely, and reassured me, and told me that I was just slow to respond. I went away, a little grizzly, but ok!

Friday 25th July

Hubby was off, so off we went, driving the hour down to the clinic. I was a nervous wreck! I'd been quite uncomfortable the day before, so was hoping this meant good things. A different nurse today, and she was so lovely. She asked hubby if he wanted to watch the scan and she would show him the follicles etc. She was quite while carrying out the scan, and then said I had 6 good sized follicles, but only 3 others, that were still small.

Off she went to get the consultant, again. Got dressed, only to be told the consultant wanted to scan me. So, another scan, while the silent consultant did her bit. I led on the bed and prayed. It was all I could do. I could feel everything slipping away. When all done and I was dressed, the consultant sat down with ''that face''. I knew then. She said that I didn't have enough follicles to egg share. This meant cancelling the cycle....unless we could cough up £4,650. We had £450 put aside for ICSI, but that was as far as it went.

She left us together, and the nurse brought us a cup of tea, and said that we could take as long as we needed. I completely broke down. How could we have waited so long, struggled so hard and watch it all end here. All we needed was a chance. I couldn't stop thinking that one of the follicles that had tried so hard to grow, could be my baby. How could I just let it... fade away.

We wanted to try and borrow the money, but sitting in the nurse's room isn't the best place to ring round family and friends. The nurse said that it was a big decision that couldn't be made overnight, and that I could carry on with my injections, including my new Orgalutran. (to stop ovulation - more common in people on a antagonist cycle) and come back Monday for a scan, with our decision.

I was a mess, an hour later I was a mess, later that day...can you sense what's coming?!

Our dear friends offered to lend up half of the money, and later that evening members of our family matched this. We have quite a bit to repay, but we are truly blessed to have had this chance. We are so lucky to be able to go forward and I am eternally grateful.

Today - Monday 28th July

So here I am, updated this, ready to go for another scan. I am relieved that we have the funds to carry on, but I am so scared that something else will be negative. I am not overly bloated, I am not very uncomfortable, so what if they have all disappeared. I suppose after 3 negative scans, I will be panicking! I just need to breathe, relax and take each moment as it comes.

I hope that I will be able to positively update later, but if not, then I thank god that I am still here, healthy and alive....

Overwhelmed...

A friend had a baby today. I am, of course, pleased for her, but my god it hurts. I didn't feel it when she told me this morning. But now, as I sit here on my own, I just can't seem to shake off the knot lying in my chest.

I haven't felt like this in a while. While knowing we couldn't conceive, but treatment being a while away, I have been calm, and have coped with babies and pregnancy. Suddenly, knowing that pregnancy MAY be weeks away, I have been overwhelmed with emotion.

I am trying so hard to be positive, trying to imagine a BFP. But it so hard when a voice is muttering ''why would I be that lucky'' in my head.

We have to sign our consent forms. That's exciting! However, I have to tick to say that I agree to abandon the cycle if I do not get enough eggs to egg share. I have to have over 8. If I get under 8, my little eggs that I have grown, will just fade away because we cannot afford a full IVF cycle.

I am struggling to understand why so many ladies, who just want to be a mum, struggle for years. We are put on a roller-coaster of emotions, a roller-coaster of hope, and fear, and strength and faith, of worry and hurt, of anxiety and of excitement. A journey of tears and laughter. A dream that keeps revolving. There is no end, it just goes round and round.

Many ladies get that BFP so soon. They see the heartbeat and learn the sex. They meet their bundle of joy. A lady could do all that 4 times in the time that I have been trying. A lady I know is just about to have her 3rd baby. I have seen each one come into the world, in the time that we have been trying.

Please don't think this is a negative post, as it is not. I am hopeful that it will work. I am praying I will get to see that second line. I am just trying to express how I feel, in the hope that this pressure on my chest will go away. This pain will evaporate into the night sky.

To all you ladies out there, the ones that feel the same pain, I am right with you. I understand. I am sending you hugs. We WILL be mummies. I will take myself off to bed now, tomorrow is another day.

A little bit longer...

So my post title today should be 'Day 2'. Infact, I should have updated you all yesterday on my first injections.

So, got to the clinic, armed with my meds, only to be told I was booked in at 2, not 10.30. Oh dear. I am so, so sure that I was correct. I remember writing the time in my diary whilst on the phone booking the appointment. However, it is possible that my brain has turned to mush...

Anyway, they were really good and said fitting me in was no problem. When waiting in the waiting area, I heard the nurse on the phone discussing me. We went into the nurse's room, only to be told that they were changing my plan. (jaw dropping moment)

Due to being slightly polycystic, my cycle is now being changed to an Antagonistic Cycle. Now, I am, unfortunately, not a specialist, and would rather not put false google information on here, but I think this means that they will use a drug to postpone ovulation that is not as likely to cause OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).

Obviously, I am grateful and somewhat relieved that they are trying to ensure the cycle goes as well as possible, but I was very disappointed. I have spent weeks psyching myself up to do injections, and was so excited that the 1st July was the start of my IVF. Suddenly, I am told that I have another 2 weeks to wait.

I feel better about it now. I just pray that it is as effective as the other drugs. I will now come off the pill on the 10th of July, ready (hopefully) for my baseline scan on the 15th.

So now we wait. And continue to dream of the day we see our BFP. It won't be long!

The countdown begins...

It's been a few weeks since my last post I am afraid. Things have been getting on top of me quite a bit. I don't feel stressed about the IVF, but everything else is getting on top of me more than normal, so I guess it is bothering me, sub-consciously.

This is the countdown now, and I am going to do my best to update daily once treatment begins. I will try to add as much about the treatment, my diet, what I am doing etc. I know I find reading other people's journey's interesting, and it helps me to get my head around everything. 

So, a week today I would have had my injection teach and done my first injection. 

But for now I will continue to take my 500mg of Metformin (waiting for a call from the consultant to see if they want me to up my dose), my contraception pill, and my folic acid and vitamins.

We had a letter through from the clinic yesterday to say that our donor sperm is now waiting and safe in the clinic! Madness!  

But for today, I will say goodnight... 

Special Delivery...

Oh my bloomin goodness. A man in a van turned up today with a very normal looking box with my name on it. To anyone else, it was just a box. Something I'd ordered online. I was so excited. This was all about to get very real. 

So I ripped open the box to see what was inside... and nearly fainted at the 60 needles for the Suprecur, the 60 pen applicators for the Bursulin, and the sharps box! 

I officially have all of my IVF drugs!! I thought I would take some pictures. I know I have always found it helpful and interesting to see other people's photo's to get a feeling of what to expect... 

I was even given a lovely bag to keep it all in - however, as you can see, some of it needs to sit in the fridge and chill! 

So we are one step closer....next job is to order our sperm..... I shall be back to let you know how that goes. 

Let's be happy..

Ok, so firstly I wanted to apologise for that awfully depressing post yesterday. I just realised I forgot to put labels on it to make it easier to search. I am so thankful for this!! 

I was having one of those days, where you feel lost. Today is a better day and I am being happy, happy, happy. 

I talked to the clinic again yesterday, and it looks as though we are on for the original date. So in 3 weeks and 6 days, I will be on my way to my injection teach, and doing my first injection. 

Aaaaaah. I'm scared. I'm not terrified of needles, but doing it myself! Please someone tell me it is ok. 

It's a scary journey, this one. Full of ups and downs. I used to wonder why there was so much emphasis on the stress around IVF but I understand now, and I haven't even started treatment yet. I have so much admiration for every person, be it single or in a couple, that walk this path. 

I am now on metformin, watching my diet, drinking my 2 litres a day, and craving every bad food (that I don't usually eat anyway!!) because I am being so good. Hubby did bring me home some chocolate yesterday.... mmmmmmm so good! 

So from me today...... 

Take care guys, 

Dreams may come true...

You wait, you wish, you dream....and then, it happens. And ...you freak out! 

We had our date today. Our Egg collection is on the 28th July. 9 weeks and 3 days. The moment where the lovely staff at our clinic try to fulfill dreams. The dreams of two families. 

We started trying to start our family 4 years ago. In the early days, I'm not sure I contemplated what would happen when we saw those 2 lines. We were just trying. 

Now in less than 10 weeks time (fingers crossed and all going well), I will have an embie put back inside of me, and we live in hope that a couple of weeks from there, we will have our BFP. 

I'm scared now. Scared of the treatment, Scared of it not working, even a little bit scared of it working (in a funny sort of way!) We have waited so long and now the possibility is virtually at our finger tips. 

My head is spinning with everything I should be doing and how to prepare. 

I am, of course, very excited too! I am amazed at what the end result may hopefully be. 

Hubby is being amazing. He is so excited. He had his FSH levels back today. They were 21, so seems that they are settling around the twenties. The consultant feel's that there is very little chance of retrieving anything, so we are full speed ahead with a donor. I am so proud of him, and the person he has become. He often gets put down by the people who are supposed to be close to him... but he really is a better person than they dare to believe. 

So not long now, the wait is almost over. We will begin to count the days... 

Finding my match...

So the clinic phoned this morning. We have the results after 4 long weeks. Not quite as long as the 7 months poor hubby has waited for the same results. We are due to get those on Friday. Watch this space. 

All is fine. I cried. I actually jumped for joy, then burst into tears. After 4 years of waiting, I am waiting for something catastrophic to happen.

They are looking at matching tomorrow, but already have someone in mind. The lovely nurse said I should have my letter and pill out in the post within a week. 

I phoned hubby, then my mum, then text my best friend. Then when I stopped to think about it myself, it wasn't our dream I thought about. 

I thought about the lady that will get a phone call this week, telling her that they have found a match, that if she is to accept she will start treatment soon. I thought about her dream, how it was beginning to come true. Somewhere, a lady will be wearing the same grin as me, be living on cloud nine. If she accepts, I made her dream possible. If there is something positive to come out of four years of waiting - this is it.... 

One step closer...

Sorry, you must think I had fallen off the face of the earth. 

It has been a strange couple of weeks. 

Blood tests and new job last week. This week a virus. I am sniffling like a piglet and coughing like a 1989 Fiesta! 

The new job is better hours, and a little more active, but they know about the IVF. I was concerned that the job I had before was 12 hour shifts sat at a desk, with not much option to move around, not the opportunity to eat little and often, and a very artificial atmosphere. 

It is a really hard journey, as many of you will understand. I know the statistics, I know it may not work on the 1st cycle, but that doesn't stop me wanting to try everything to help it be successful. I had concerns that my job may have a negative impact on the IVF. Unfortunately, I hadn't been here long and wasn't in a position to ask for time off or explain about our fertility treatment. 


So, last Tuesday, off we went to the clinic. We were booked in for counselling and also to have my screening tests. Bloods were first. We went into the nurses room, and I was given a wee pot and a cotton bud swab and ushered off into a little bathroom, which also doubles as the man's sample room :)

After that was sorted, I sat down ready to meet my fate, and watched as she put 6 blood sample bottles into the tray. It was then that I realised I should have bought a Mars bar. Or 6. Or maybe an Easter Egg! She kept me talking and it was over in no time. It didn't hurt either. Because she took so much, she actually put a mini cannular in, rather than a needle, which made it more conformable. I believe the screening was for HIV, signs of STI's (past or present) Chromosome disorders/abnormality, and the Cystic Fibrosis gene. The only ones I am concerned about are the latter 2. They are something that go unnoticed and you wouldn't know you had them unless you are tested. 

The lovely nurse said to ring in 3-4 weeks to see if they are back. (2-3 now! And no, I am not counting the days, I am composed and patient!) I only have 301 hours till I can call for the first time!!

She also said that they already have a recipient in mind, but obviously cannot approach them until my results come back clear. But, she thinks the matching process will be quick, given my age. So treatment may be late June, early July!

And then into the counsellor. She was lovely. We weren't in there long. We are fairly positive people, and both feel we have thought both sides of the donor treatment through thoroughly. We spoke about what we will tell our child. 

We have always said we would be honest about the donor sperm to our child. ''Daddy was given a gift that helped us to have baby'' That sort of thing. We have also told close family and a very close friend that we are using a donor. 

The Councillor advised us that we do not tell anyone about the sperm donation. Including parents. That would now mean going and lying to them and saying that we have been successful with hubby's swimmers. Apparently, if we are concerned about the welfare of the child, this would be better as the child may not want others to know. 

I understand this, but if we are being honest with the child, then there is a chance that in 15 years, the secret will come out, and family will know they were lied too. I am not comfortable with this. I think we will keep it how it is, and only have close family knowing. There is always a chance that other people will find out through certain chatterboxes in the family, however I would prefer that to our child feeling that they were some sort of secret. 

I don't know what everyone else's stance is on this? 

So, now we wait. I have upped my water intake to 2 litres (most days) to try to get used to drinking so much. I find it easier to keep filling a 500ml bottle up. To drink 2 litres, you need to drink 7 glasses, and I just wasn't managing it. 

One step closer, but it feels like a long road ahead. Ladies, it certainly makes us stronger. 

Keep smiling world :) 

All your eggs in one basket...

... bad, I know. It was the only phrase I could thing of containing eggs!

AMH results today. I had a bit of a meltdown in the waiting room, wondering what on earth I would do if she told me my eggs had gone on vacation and had no intention of sticking around.

But, I was worrying over nothing. Our consultant said my AMH levels were fine, at 46 they are slightly higher than average, but still in the normal range.

So, all my forms are submitted, my letter to the recipient is done, and my screening tests are Tuesday next week!

Hubby and I need to have a counselling session to discuss using and being a donor, that is booked for Tuesday too. It is then a 6 week wait for the results, and then they will start the matching process.

I am now like a bottle of pop, I have had a walk around Mothercare. I would  now like to be able to tell you that I have a relative that I was shopping for, but in all honesty, I was so excited at the prospect of it all starting that I needed to choose my pram, nursery furniture, highchair, nursery bedding, car seat, clothes, maternity outf........ What? Sorry, did you just call me mad?

Maybe I need help, or something better to do, but we were both in our elements!

I know people tell you not to rush through life, and not to wish time away, but I regret to inform you that I will happily sail through the next 6 weeks waiting for tomorrow. Because tomorrow is one step closer.

I might actually be packing my hospital bag this time next year! Please god, let it work.

Mind Blank...

We have our appointment on Wednesday to find out whether I am suitable for egg sharing. 
I have forms that I need to fill in that talk about me - my eye/hair colour etc. There is also a huge area for me to write about me. The type of person I am and what types of things I enjoy. 

Well... I have been sat here for an hour, Microsoft Word open, the curser flashing back at me, One Born Every Minute on the telly.... and now I am here writing this. I am lost for words. This is something that will be kept for years, and may be read in the future by someone that was created with the help of my eggs. They will want to know all the important things about their donor and here I am with an empty page. 


It's frightening really, when I think about it properly. The whole thing is just so surreal. The biggest question at the moment is, will it work ? 

In 4 months, I could be pregnant. This journey is hard. I am nervous but so excited all at the same time. 

This isn't helping my form is it..... any help, gratefully received! 

My new pal...

I am a bit dangerous on EBay - anyway, I decided to get an information book to help us along our journey - so here is my new bible...

Any reviews or recommendations - grateful recieved!!

On the IVF train...

And we're going full steam ahead! 

So after battling the rain and the traffic, we managed to find a parking space outside the clinic... 

We really didn't know what to expect, and we were filled with so many different emotions...it was exciting.. but sad too. We shouldn't be here. We should just be able to decide one day that I feel strange and should take a test. But we were here. On a Thursday night in the rain. 

So we went inside. You would never think that you were inside an fertility clinic. Pretty lights and comfy sofas. We were given a shopping bag with their details on(Yea, might not pop to the shop with this!) filled with a notepad, pen, magazine, and lots of info.  

We spent 20 minutes with an IVF Specialist, who gave us more information and advice in those 20 minutes, than we have had in 3 years. We had a tour around the clinic, saw the scanners, the recovery room, the door to theatre... it all felt so real. And a board of photographs of all the babies that had been conceived there. **Sob sob**

So, what next? We have our first appointment in 10 days. Here I will get a pelvic ultrasound and more information. I am also having an AMH test to see if my eggs are compatible to egg share. 

I would like to go forward with egg sharing, not just because of the subsidised cost of treatment, but because it is giving something back. Without sperm donors, I wouldn't be able to have a baby with my husband. 

We need people to donate, to give couples a chance. Because infertility is no fun. It hurts. It seems like an endless tunnel at times. 

It breaks my heart that my husband cannot have children, but we have been given a chance of a family together, and that is priceless. 

So hopefully my eggs will be good enough. I will then go through screening, and then we wait for a recipient. Then the scary part begins. 

The specialist thinks it will take about 3 months to do all of this... but that it better than the 18 month list we are already on. It might not work, it might end in a BFN, but, it is a chance. We must be positive. 

It is going to be a tough journey... but it will be worth every pain and every tear. 

Little one...Mummy and Daddy will meet you soon! 

Madness with Me....

I'm sorry, you must have wondered where I'd gone...

Well maybe not. I have been working a new job - one that has me working 48 hours a week. Along side that, a poorly hubby, strong wind (yes, the outside type, thank you) and just silly little things have taken up every spare moment ...

But, I'm back. I hear my huge group of followers shouting 'YAY'.... Ok, so I don't. I am happy to be here however to update the page, and my one very loyal, very wonderful follower on how things are going this end. 

So, I was having a bit of a read on the internet and came across a private clinic in our area. I haven't considered private care before - we don't have a great deal of disposable income and there is always something else that requires paying - so that £20 you have put in the savings account yesterday - comes straight back out tomorrow. 

What appealed to me was that the clinic have different budget ranges, including free IVF treatment with donation of eggs. Again, I have never considered this before, but as a possible recipient of donor sperm, why shouldn't I give something back to those who are in the same position as us. 

So, I inquired, and tonight we are popping along to an open evening - and hopefully booking an appointment for an initial appointment. We might not be able to afford to go any further once we have talked prices through, but I feel that we are moving forward. 

We have waited on the NHS waiting list for over 12 months now, and we are no further down the line than when we started. I have got 3 years older whilst trying to conceive.

Many people say, "but your still so young!" ... but when you are waiting for this long, you see your life fly past your eyes, and nothing changes... 

So we will go and see what they say, all we will waste is a journey if they can't help...

 Let's go and make a baby (the technical way !!)

Happy February...

Well it is the 4th Feb! There is now 9 weeks until our appointment!

Counting down the weeks.

I have a tip for you all. You have to use it carefully however, because it can make you sound a little erm...mad. You have to be very careful when explaining the reasoning behind the tip.

Ok, I have just acquired a new job. A job that expects me to wear black trousers. I'm a jeans kind of girl, and so told the husband that I needed some new trousers.

Now in the last few years, I have gone from being 18 stone, down to 11, and most of my jeans are a size 12. However in black trousers, I always find the waistbands like stone. They have zero stretch and are clearly designed for the women who don't exist.

So, onto my next problem. My legs and rear end are a size 10.

And then..... I am lucky if I measure over 5ft 2.

A 14 fit me around the waist, but swim on me everywhere else, a 10 will not even contemplate greeting around the middle section and a 12 whilst OK at breakfast time when I am stood doing the dishes, will almost cut me in half whilst I am sat at my desk after my wheat filled sandwiches.

So in conclusion... I need a pair of black trousers, size stretchy 12 around belly, tight size 10 around bottom half and trousers that look like shorts on everyone else.

Off we go...

I tell my husband in the middle of Asda that we are here for maternity trousers. You could have knocked him down! He then thought I had lost the plot and asked me if I needed a cup of sugared tea.

I then took great pride in asking the sales assistant where the maternity clothes were and prancing around the maternity department of New Look. I then enjoyed picking out all the pairs of black trousers to 'try on' and having a telling the husband how wonderful they would be. And can you imagine my excitement when a girl that I went to school with walked past and stared at my over the bump trousers that I was cradling.

I am now sat in a very comfy pair of size 10 maternity trousers. They are so comfortable around the waist, without making the rest of me look like a saggy strawberry. I think I have won my husband around, but I will not be sharing with friends. I'm not sure they would understand my excitement.

I apologise for any spelling or grammar mistakes above. I have chosen not to read my entry back, to minimize the risk of convincing myself that I am in fact crazy.

Sex Education Blunder...

Ok, so I came across the following picture while I was planning my next wedding and decorating my nursery on Pinterest... 

and the realisation hit my like a brick. My sex education teacher was misinformed. The school taught us wrong. A room of 30 teenagers and every single one of us had been given the incorrect sex talk. 

My teacher told us in a whirlwind of a lesson that we were not to have sex, not to kiss, not to even look at a member of the opposite sex because we WILL get pregnant. 

Hmmmf. Perhaps I should go and ask him where my baby is. 

Alright, so I will climb down off of my horse, and accept that it is important for teens to be aware of the dangers of unprotected sex, however am I the only one that had no idea that infertility even existed? 

No-one explained to me that we have a fertile window, that you have to time your lovely time. Imagine my great surprise when I came off the pill and one year later I still had no bump. I was gobsmacked when I found out that some people can't just get pregnant. 

Just a quick note to any young ones reading... it really is important to use protection, as there are many many people who find conception easy, and the chances of you having fertility issues can be very slim... 

What does everyone think? Should schools also cover infertility? Should people be more educated on how difficult it can be? Comments below ... oh and my follower is rather lonely on her own...please join us!

Floating around in my bubble..

Ok, so it happened. It was only a matter of time. I am planning my nursery. I am planning what my baby will wear. The pram I will push. The bottles I will keep on standby if I need to use them. The baby bouncer for my lounge. I could go on. 

My internet history is made up of visits to Mothercare, Kiddicare, Asda, Tesco, Mamas and Papas, Toys R Us..... again, I could go on. 

Then something occurred to me. My head has been spinning with my entire motherhood future, but I can't share it with anyone. 

I have thought about names, picked up clothes in the supermarket, asked the hubby which bibs he like... but how do I stop people thinking that I have lost my mind in some kind of baby oblivion? 

I keep it to myself, I have jumped into a bubble and I cannot let anyone in. 

Hubby asked me what was wrong, as I have been quiet lately. I tried to explain ... 

The day someone finds out they are pregnant they are ecstatic (most of the time) and start planning. They pick out clothes, decorate the nursery, choose names, have hour long discussions about the different types of parenting styles, they surf the internet, they go baby shopping, they share their news and they plan their future. 
My pregnancy journey started 3 and a half years ago. I may not be pregnant yet, but I had planned to be back in 2010. I feel the same as other mums to be, I am excited to do all these things, but when reality beckons, my uterus is empty. All I feel are the few pangs of AF every month. Everyone will think I am crazy to want to constantly talk about all my ideas for my pregnancy and how I will dress my newborn. So I stay quiet, fantasize in my own bubble, and don't share my desire with anyone. That is why I am quiet. 

So, like many other lovely coupes, we are stuck in a bubble. Other people cannot share my excitement, because they don't understand my excitement. They tell me, you can worry about that when the time comes, or there will be new stock when you are pregnant. 

Am I crazy to want to have a day out with Hubby in Mothercare or Kiddicare? 

Actually....don't answer that! Who else has a bubble?