My how you have grown...

We met with friends yesterday and went to a science attraction that had a pregnancy exhibition inside.

You could hold rubber babies to the correct scale based on gestation, and then you could go in a womb simulator (yes you are reading right!) A pink padded dome with a small entrance! It moves to imitate the movement that baby feels and you can hear mum and dad talking on the outside. In 5 minutes you go from pregnancy test to birth!

They also show pictured of the embryos from conception to 5 days. Looking at the picture I cannot believe our little babies came home with mummy as day 3, 8 cell embryos!!

I will leave you with a picture of the rubber baby of 5 months gestation.... We are 21 weeks now, so fit nicely into the 5 month category! 

With love, Me xxx

A sad day...

I have heard some sad news today regarding a fellow IVF'er, I am not going to explain, as it is not my story to tell, however I am thinking of her, and am sending her strength. We take life for granted sometimes and it is days like this when we realise just how lucky we are.

Sleep tight, little one xxx

Nobody said this would be easy...

...but it sure will be worth it.

Monday night, we enjoyed our evening in A+E! Nothing terrible...I was suffering from a raised pulse of 130 and palpitations. All my tests came back normal, so I have just been told to go back if it happens again.

Then at my midwife appointment yesterday, my blood pressure is 90/40. Low. I felt fine until she told me! Then I had every symptom going! Felt rubbish for the rest of the day. Woken up this morning feeling fine, so fingers crossed.

Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant, and I already love my boys more than words can describe. But I always thought pregnancy was where you walked around looking and feeling blooming!

The only think that is blooming at the moment seems to be my back end! Blooming massive ;)

I wouldn't change it for the world, and this means so, so much to me...but it's not as easy as I thought it would be!

However, I have woken up today, the sun is shining, I can feel very little movements, and I am loving my bump. I will do everything I can to look after my babies, even if that means mummy feeling rubbish.

Wishing everyone a very happy Friday...

We are having....

So after I last updated, I had a bit of a meltdown. I was so worried and anxious, which wasn't great. 

I went to see the midwife, who listened in and thinks she heard both heartbeats, which is great with twins, as it is often hard to find them both. However she explained to me that it is difficult to rely on home heartbeat monitors because whilst you may find a heartbeat, 10 minutes later something could happen. That didn't do a brilliant job of reassuring me!! I know she was trying to help, but I went home and broke my heart. I spoke to hubby and we agreed we would book a private scan. Sunday the 15th March, 16 weeks, Mother's Day. 

We went yesterday for our private scan and I was so, so nervous. We went in, not really knowing what to expect. It was lovely and so relaxing. The room was dimly lit, and there was music playing in the background. A TV screen was in front of the scanning bed so that we could watch the scan. Hubby had a nice comfy seat to sit in. To be honest, I only really noticed most of that once we knew both babies were ok. 

So baby 1 was very active, kicking legs all over the place and liked posing for photo's!  I have felt a couple of movements, but cannot believe they can move that much and you not feel it! 

Baby 2 was facedown, and a little shy. We did see baby rubbing it's eyes on the 4d scan though. This was just a freeview, as we didn't pay for a 4d scan. 

Another part of the scan was a gender check. We were very lucky and managed to find out the sex of both babies. 

We are having.... 

Two beautiful baby boys!! 

We are absolutely made up, and it feels so real now! I feel like a mummy, and am so excited to meet them! 

IVF really is a Miracle and I have so much to thank the clinic for! 

Please remember to have hope, because dreams really can come true. 

A little TLC please...

I am sat at home today feeling sorry for myself because some kind soul has shared their cold virus with me! Usually, I would just get on with things, but it has left me feeling exhausted and just yuck! I tried to drink a hot honey and lemon...but had run out of lemon. Note to self... Honey and hot water does not equal yummy!

So, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to pop in and say 'hi'!

Not much new. I have booked in to see the midwife tomorrow, for reassurance more than anything. It seems such a long time between the 12 and 20 week scan, and just want to know my little babies are ok. I am hoping she may look for the heartbeats, but it may be a little early at 14 weeks.

I went shopping with my mum yesterday, and we bought some maternity things. I cannot tell you how long I have waited to do that! It felt very surreal, but I am starting to be able to imagine them being here, and wondering what they will look like.

I am feeling slightly better in myself, but of course, this just means I worry that things are going well. It is a viscous circle. They are right when they tell you a mother's worry starts at conception.

There is a lot to think about, so I have started writing lists... there is so much we need, and there are constant questions going around in my head regarding the best things to buy. Add that to a lack of money, and it is quite frightening.

But, the main thing is that these little ones will be so loved, and I cannot wait to meet them now!

Keep your eyes peeled...I will update when I get my scan date through!!

Pregnant after IVF...

We are know at 14 weeks. A whole 10 weeks since finding out, and 3 and a half months into our pregnancy. I am awaiting my 20 week scan appointment and my consultant appointment.

I am not sure what pregnancy is like after a natural conception so I have nothing to compare my pregnancy too, however I still cannot envisage me with 2 babies.

My bump is growing, I spend half my day needing the loo, and my boobs feel like someone has attached hot weights onto them... I have a nursery half complete, clothes, nappies and blankets upstairs. But I cannot get my head around them being used by my babies.

I wonder if it is an IVF thing. We spend so long hurting emotionally, that we put a barrier up to protect our emotions. I am hoping when I start feeling proper movement (been feeling very light flutters) things will step up a level.

I get a surge of excitement when I talk about the birth, or life after birth.

In terms of the pregnancy, things seem to be going ok (touch wood). I am getting lots of strong ligament pain, and my hips and back have bad days. I am still getting occasional nausea, but it has got better. My bump is really quite there now, and I spend hours asking hubby if I just look fat...because I just don't believe I have a pregnancy bump!!

I await the news of post every day, in the hope that I have that familiar envelope. I did have a hospital letter the other day to tell me all my screening bloods came back as normal. This is wonderful and we are very pleased (although I had them checked for egg sharing, so wasn't worried about there being a problem)

So I will continue to wait, continue to look in the mirror, and continue to tell myself that this is real!

12 week point

I am still rather useless aren't I. In order to defend myself, I will say that I have been staying off the computer, in order to protect my already crazy mind, from going even crazier. Therefore, I haven't sat long enough to update.

However... we had our 12 week scan on Monday. Both babies are doing well, and were measuring 3 days ahead. This means that today, I am 12 weeks and 3 days, and we are officially past the 12 week point. Phew.

We have a long way to go, but we are a third of the way there. We are feeling a little more confident about meeting our babies, and I am starting to believe it may be real! Might need to get my head around it before they decide to meet us.

I was very nervous about the scan. I think I am too aware of what can go wrong. We arrived early, so everything was done with little waiting. The sonographer was training on a new machine, so we only really got to see the babies for 10 seconds, just to look at the heart beat. I was a little disappointed, as the ladies in the room were talking about how the babies were wriggling. It would have been lovely to watch. However, I am just extremely grateful that both our babies are growing well. We also got lots of lovely photo's so I can't complain. The scan was a little uncomfortable. She was poking and prodding, and my round ligaments have been playing up, so the scan aggravated that, but of course, all worth it.

We then went back into the antenatal clinic, where I had my urine and blood pressure checked, and bloods taken. I am unable to have the screening for Downs Syndrome due to carrying twins. The results are not reliable. This doesn't worry us. We are already in love with our babies, and will deal with any problems when we need to.

I then waited 5 minutes, and went in to see the midwife. She explained that my due date is now 30th August, instead of the 2nd September. She also explained that I need to book in for a Glucose Tolerance Test, to test for Gestational Diabetes at 28 weeks, so that is booked for the 1st June. I will get an appointment to see my consultant in the post, and also a date for my 20 week scan.

This was about it. In total we were there for an hour and a half. It was exciting and relieving all in one, but it made it feel so real. For the first time in my life...I have had my 12 week scan. There were so many moments when I didn't believe I would get here.

I am so glad that those important people in my life reminded to me to have faith and hope in myself and my babies. Please remember to have hope.... miracles do happen xxxx

Baby 1

Baby 2

Love always, 

Bitter Sweet

It's easy to forget sometimes that this was an Egg-sharing cycle. I was so comfortable with it, it almost seemed like a normal thing to do. I also never considered it not working.

When we were last at the clinic, I asked about my recipient. We are so happy and feel so lucky that we were successful and I honestly just assumed she would have been too. So I was honestly shocked when the nurse told me it didn't work for her.

I almost felt like I'd failed her in a way. She had relied on me, put her faith in my eggs and all for nothing. I know I did what I could. I gave her a chance, but it didn't stop me getting tearful. I really wanted to help her dream come true.

It is really surreal how you can get attached to a person you have never met and know nothing about.

I'm not sure how I feel about future IVF, and I want to enjoy our babies for a while (all being well) but I would always consider egg sharing again.

We have been given such a special gift by a donor, and now my wonderful husband and I have 2 babies growing. I would love to give that gift to another family.

In other news, we have our last clinic scan tomorrow. I will be 9 weeks and 2 days. I am praying that they are both doing well. They are certainly creating a little home in my expanding tummy!!

9+1 Twinnies 

Double Trouble...

I am 8 weeks and 5 days today, carrying twins!

A scan last week showed two strong heartbeats fluttering away. We are truly blessed.

It is a scary thought. I already have the maternal instinct to protect my babies, and the fact that we are high risks and the babies may come early and unprepared is a frightening thought. But lots of ladies deliver healthy twins, so I need to focus on that.

Time seems to be going extremely slow, but we have another scan this coming Thursday and that should reassure me for a little longer.

My symptoms come and go, but I have everything from a snuffly nose, to extreme tiredness, to nausea. But it will all be worth it.

I still cannot quite get my head around it. The fact that in about 6 months time, we (hopefully) with have two little babies that rely on us 24 hours a day. I cannot wait.

IVF is a miracle, and it really has made our dreams come true. It is early days, but right now, we are mummy and daddy to two little dots!

Happy New Year!!

Ok, so I am probably the most useless blogger ever. My last post was on the 30th December. Over 2 weeks ago. I'm sorry!

Do I have a reason? Not really. I am trying to limit my time on the laptop. It is easier to web surf, and then you end up reading all sorts of things that start you on that anxiety roller coaster. But that is no excuse for not being here to chat.

So first I'd like to wish you all a very Happy (and belated) New Year!! I hope that 2015 has started well for you all.

So I am 7 weeks pregnant today. Still sounds odd to say that! It has been a mental couple of weeks.

On New Years Eve, I ended up in the local hospital with bad pain in my right side. They wanted to rule out an eptopic pregnancy, however all they could do was take bloods to see if my hormone levels were high enough for them to scan me. It was so strange to see the new year in on the gynae ward!!

So at 00.25am, on the first day of 2015, hubby and I were walking back to the car, with fireworks sounding in the background.

I then went for a scan on the 2nd of January. I was 5 weeks and 2 days, so it was obviously very early. The internal scan showed 2 gestational sacs! (So Holly and Ivy both implanted!) however only 1 had a visible yolk sac. This could be because the second baby was a little slower in it's development, however I am prepared and have been warned that it may not progress.

The pain eased within a couple of days, but that hasn't stopped the period type cramps, which send me up the wall. I have convinced myself so many times that this is a dream, or that the pregnancy isn't progressing. I have done so many tests that everyone is shouting at me, and we could probably do with taking out shares with Clearblue!!

So as we hit the 7 week point today, I have two sleeps until my viability scan at the clinic. Excited much?! And then my follow up NHS appointment on Monday.

I will try and be better up updating. I really think at the moment I am still in a sort of Limbo. I need to see it to believe it!!

Have a good week xx

Madness Photo...

I thought I would share the madness with you. This is the test's today... Left to right

1 - 24/12/14 - 11dp3dt (First wee of the day)

2 - 26/12/14 - 13dp3dt (First wee of the day)

3 - 27/12/14 - 14dp3dt (First wee of the day)

4 - 27/12/14 - 14dp3dt (First wee of the day)

5 - 27/12/14 - 14dp3dt  Pregnant 2-3 weeks ( 3.50pm) Answer disappears in 24 hours, so looks here. 

6 - 28/12/14 - 15dp3dt (5pm - ish)

7 - 29/12/14 - 16dp3dt (Second wee of the day)

Here is a close up of the Digi - sorry it's a bit blurry.

I have one more digital test, which I am going to try and hold out and take on Friday/Saturday. That will be the last one, but at 5 weeks, I hope to see 3+ on the screen. 

Then I will hide the purse, stay out of the shops and relax....

The truth behind IVF....

Naively, I thought once we had a positive test, I would be elated...and I am. However it is tinged by worry. Worry that the pregnancy won't progress. Worry that I don't ''feel'' pregnant.

I know that if the worst happens, it happens. Nothing I can say, do or feel will have any bearing on that. So I am trying to stay calm, and enjoy each day. But sometimes I wonder if I am enjoying something that isn't there.

I have know for 6 days now that we are pregnant. I also have 7 tests to prove it. I used to read posts on BC about people that do loads of tests. I thought they were mad. I would often think, ''your pregnant, a line is a line!!''

However, when you are in that position, it is difficult to believe.

To sum up IVF..

• You spend months waiting for treatment, worrying that it will go wrong, or you won't react to the drugs.
• Then, when treatment starts, you spend a few weeks worrying you won't get enough good eggs.
• Then after egg collection, you worry that the eggs won't fertilise
• Then after your next day call, you worry your embryo's won't progress
• After your transfer, you worry whether the embryo's are implanting
• After you have passed the implantation window, you worry about whether you are pregnant.

After all of that, you would think a positive test will bring a breath of relief. Ha!! 

So now you worry about each twinge, about each feeling, about your 'symptoms' disappearing, about the line not being strong enough, about your HCG levels.. you count down each day with a desire to know what is happening inside your uterus. 

So at the beginning of last week, I was really poorly. I had an upset tummy and felt really sick. (for an emetophobic that isn't a great thing to feel!). I was completely off food, managed to have toast and cereal and a few bites of my dinner each evening. Hubby told me it was pregnancy related, I thought it may be a bug. The symptoms lessened, but continued until Saturday, so I thought maybe hubby was right. After all, a bug lasting 5 days is a long bug. But Sunday, nothing. Monday, nothing. So after moaning about feeling ill, I'm now worrying that I feel better.

I have mild nausea occasionally, sore boobs, a bad back each afternoon, and the occasional twinge and hot flush. My appetite has increased since being poorly. But I don't ''feel'' pregnant. I am 4 weeks and 6 days. Still early. Many people do not get symptoms until about 6 weeks, but still. 

So, today we go to the clinic to collect some more progesterone pessaries. We will get to book in for our scan. I am hoping they will reassure me somewhat. 

I am not anxious, what will be will be, I am not sad or panicking. I am just a parent. I am a mummy and I am worried about my baby(ies). But, I am excited also. Excited that in 8 months, I should have my baby(ies) in my arms. In a few weeks I should see baby or babies on the screen. In 8 weeks I should have my 12 week scan. It is all so exciting and I am so so grateful. 

Our first ever BFP!

So we tested yesterday (Christmas Eve) at 11dp3dt and got a BFP (Big Fat Positive)

It still hasn't really sunk in...it's feels so surreal. I am totally over the moon, and hubby is like a bottle of pop! 

I have been poorly with a bad tummy and nausea, and not sure if it is pregnancy (that sounds proper weird!!) or a tummy bug, but feel so much better today. I am managing the nausea now with Rennie. 

I also have some twinges and a back ache. But trying to take it all in my stride. 

We have told family and close friends. We have decided that we are extremely lucky to get to this point, and I pray and hope that the pregnancy continues, however if it doesn't at least we would have enjoyed every moment we could. 

Now we will test again tomorrow and Saturday, and then notify the clinic, where we will be notified of our viability scan. 

So below is a photo of our first BFP. We are pregnant! We are having a baby. After 5 years, 2 IVF cycles, and many tears, we have got one step forward. What a wonderful Christmas. For all those still waiting, please have hope. It is a long journey, it is a bloomin' hard journey...but it's well worth it. 

Spreading baby dust to you all and wishing you a very Merry Christmas xx

Time has stopped...

Or that is how it feels anyway!

I am 9dp3dt today, and if Holly and Ivy are still going strong, then today is the 2nd day that the HCG hormone is being produced. I hope, and feel hopeful that something is happening. I certainly don't feel myself. I have lots of symptoms that could be pregnancy related, however the horrible progesterone pessaries could also be the culprit.

I have cramps on and off, but I am trying really hard to ignore them. I am exhausted all the time and feel queasy a lot. That is just to name a few. There are more, but are they all in my head.

I guess time will tell. I am further down the line this time, and for me, that is wonderful.

Only 2 more sleeps!

Is it Friday yet?

Yep, as expected, there is now 36 hours in each of my days. An hour is now made up of 90 minutes, and I am wishing each second away.

So we are 4dp3dt (4 days past a 3 day transfer) and I just want to go to sleep and wake up next week.

I have a slight UTI, so am drinking lots of water and lots of Cranberry juice. Watching repeat episodes of Friends and talking to Holly and Ivy (the embryo's!)

I have sore boobs, mild cramping and tiredness. Yesterday I had a funny taste in my mouth. But i'm not symptom spotting in the slightest!!!

We have a week until we will take the first test. It is also my wonderful friend's 12 week scan on Christmas Eve so I am hoping for a double whammy!!

Just thought I would keep you in the know...I am now about to brave the dark grey skies and walk the dog...wish me luck!!

Eating for 3....

Okay, they are only small, but they need the extra food right??

I have been really useless again. I keep thinking, I need to update blog, but on busy days, I just check emails etc through my phone, and I haven't got the patience to write a blog post on my phone.

So my last post was on Egg Collection day. We had the call the next day. Out of our 6 eggs, 3 had fertilised, giving us 3 embryo's. I was a little disappointed I must say, but we were lucky to have those three. I have had lots of lovely people reminding me that they are the strong ones!!

The next wait was until day 3, when they would update me on their progress and we would find out if we were having a day 3 or day 5 transfer.

The couple of days after the Egg Collection were quite painful, I waddled rather than walking, and was so tired.

On the Saturday morning (day 3) I had a call to say out of my 3 embryo's I was a grade 1 (on a scale of 1-5, 1 being the best), one was a grade 2, and one was a grade 5. I was asked to come down that day for a transfer. 2 hours later, I was sat in a lovely gown, waiting to be reunited with my embryo's.

The embryologist came to talk to me, and said that the grade 5 embryo had arrested, so there were only 2 left. They advised transferring both, despite them being good quality.

So within the hour, my embies were back with mummy and I was keeping them warm. The transfer seemed to set off more pain, and I have quite a lot of low sharp pains, but today at 3dp3dt (7 days past Egg Collection) I am feeling much more normal.

Of course the progesterone has decided to give me cramps and other lovely side effects, but I know that it is far to early for it to be anything other than the progesterone.

Today (everything crossed) the embryo's will hatch out of their shell and begin to attach to the uterine wall. All being well, one or both will start their implantation journey very soon.

Please keep everything crossed for me xxx

Eggs Galore..

Ok, so I was useless this week in keeping you updated. Things have been busy, so I haven't turned on the computer. The main reason though is probably because my emotions have been all over the place, and I just couldn't find the words to write.

So, on Friday last week my dose was upped to 400. My follicles had shown growth, but still not enough. It was going to be very tight. I had 5 follicles that were large enough, the others will still catching up.  I was given a lifeline. Would I go ahead with the EC, but out of the eggs that were collected, were I donate at least 4 to my recipient. Even if it meant just one for us. That meant the cycle wouldn't be cancelled. I didn't even need to think about it. Go for it, and have a chance, or leave it and have a cancelled cycle.

This meant over the weekend the pressure was off ( a little) and all I had to do was focus on my eggs.

You can imagine my suprise when I went back on Monday with 13 follicles over the 14mm line, and 3 at 13mm, with 1 slightly behind that. 17 in total! What a turn around!

With my Egg Collection paperwork in hand, I went home to do my trigger shot. Tuesday I had a day off from all my medication.

At 6.30am today we braved the cold and left for the clinic. With a packed lunch, (I was determined not to faint like last time)my dressing gown and slippers and my pot of baby dust (supplied by a special friend) we got to our destination for 8am.

We went through forms, I got into a hideous gown, and was supplied with my pain relief. (Beautiful pessaries that we IVF ladies call 'Bum bullets' (someone remind me what dignity is?) Then we waited. This time I took a magazine and my book. This was in a bid to keep me calm and collected...HA!

The Anesthetist came to put my cannula in...and my veins had done a runner. So that took a good 20 minutes. Then after some more reading, and threatening to jump out of the window, I was taken down to the treatment room. I confirmed my details, talked a bit about Christmas and Woooosh...I was gone.

I woke back up and was so excited that it was all done and I was alive, that my pulse was raised. But as I calmed down, so did my pulse.

I ate my lunch, had some tea, and eventually, after 2 and a half hours in recovery, I got dressed and went home.

So.....we ended up with 11 eggs! A perfect number. We keep 6, and 5 will go to the recipient, and hopefully she will have the best Christmas ever.

I am so pleased, and know that we have made the right decision. I have given an amazing gift, and in return, we have 6 of our own little eggs.

Now I will sit on the sofa, sleep a little, and tomorrow we will find out how many got jiggy and fertilised.....

Positive thoughts please...

So I had second scan today. Mum came with me for moral support. I was feeling quite positive, I had lots of twinges, was quite uncomfortable and thought we should be on track.

The lovely nurse was quiet through the scan and said she would explain everything afterwards. Talk about suspense!

As I am Egg Sharing, I need a minimum on 10 follicles, which all need to be 10mm to be seen as viable.

So, I have 6 follicles measuring above 10mm. I have 4 follicles that are on their way. They look like they are responding, but are still not big enough to be counted. Then I have some teeny ones that are clearly sleeping....

So up goes the Gonal F....to 350!! I cannot believe it! I really thought we would do good this time. My body just doesn't respond as it is expected to.

We are back on Friday, but it looks like Egg Collection may be the Wednesday instead of the Monday, for a little extra growing time.

The nurse was great, but she really can't say whether we will get there or not. We just need to have hope.

So I am asking all my family, friends and lovely readers to keep your fingers crossed, hope or say a prayer for us....

I would really like to meet our baby....

Keep growing Eggs!

It has been exactly a week since I posted. I had hoped to write every day with my progress. Problem is, come 7pm, I am shattered and just want to lie on the sofa and shut out the world!

The increase in drugs has really put me on edge, and I have been a nervous wreck...will I get too many eggs? Will I have enough eggs to egg share? Will my Egg Collection be cancelled due to OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) In hindsight, I should probably just relax and take each day as it comes. 

The injecting itself has been fine, just like last time, after the first one, you feel like a pro! I have felt twinges very early on this time, which is a good sign something is happening, but the tiredness has hit me. 

I had my first Stimms scan yesterday to check my progress. I was nervous, as my first scan last cycle was the quite negative. Last time on my first scan, I had 11 follicles, but none had done much growing and were very small. So... 

This time, we have 8 follicles that are measurable, and 12 tiny ones yet to respond. My drugs are remaining at 275, and I am back tomorrow for a scan. We need 10 good sized follicles to egg share, so hopefully we are close. Nothing is set in stone, but we can hope. It is certainly better than last time! 

I am feeling more positive today. I have my lovely eggs growing away, and I really hope one will result in our miracle baby. 

It would be great if my lovely lady gets her miracle too....come on eggies, grow, grow, grow! 

I will be back tomorrow with an update! 

Ready, Steady....GO!!

So a date with Dildocam (sorry, an internal scan) today showed that my lining is thin, my ovaries look good and we are ready to go.

Tomorrow night I will administer my first injection in my second cycle. A huge dosage of 275, compared to the 150 of Gonal F last time. I will inject daily and then go for my first 'stimms' scan on Monday.

It took nearly 2 hours to get to the clinic, the traffic was terrible, so my nerves were able to build. But it was all for nothing as everything is fine.

I am still finding it hard to comprehend that we could be pregnant by Christmas, but I am trying to stay positive.

So I have upped my water intake, started eating more protein, am taking all my supplements, drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating avocado, eggs and Brazil nuts. I don't know whether it helps, but it can't hurt.

For now, I will leave you with this...