My how you have grown...

We met with friends yesterday and went to a science attraction that had a pregnancy exhibition inside.

You could hold rubber babies to the correct scale based on gestation, and then you could go in a womb simulator (yes you are reading right!) A pink padded dome with a small entrance! It moves to imitate the movement that baby feels and you can hear mum and dad talking on the outside. In 5 minutes you go from pregnancy test to birth!

They also show pictured of the embryos from conception to 5 days. Looking at the picture I cannot believe our little babies came home with mummy as day 3, 8 cell embryos!!

I will leave you with a picture of the rubber baby of 5 months gestation.... We are 21 weeks now, so fit nicely into the 5 month category! 

With love, Me xxx

A sad day...

I have heard some sad news today regarding a fellow IVF'er, I am not going to explain, as it is not my story to tell, however I am thinking of her, and am sending her strength. We take life for granted sometimes and it is days like this when we realise just how lucky we are.

Sleep tight, little one xxx

A friend in need...

I had a call this morning ... my drugs are being delivered on Thursday! The lovely lady explained that the Gonal F and Orgalutran will need to be refrigerated. It was like deja vu.

It is a week tomorrow until the Endometrial Scratch. Gulp. It it all getting very close.

I am having problems accepting that this might work. I have experienced the disappointment and hurt of a failed cycle, and I am so scared of experiencing that again. My heart goes out to all those ladies/couples that go through multiple failed cycles. Imagine getting a bad injury after doing an activity, that took a while to heal, that caused a lot of pain. Then imagine the apprehension of having to do that activity again. Without knowing if you will end up with the same injury.

I have also found that to my non IVF friends, this is all getting a bit old. I don't talk about me, me, me. Unless people ask, I keep quiet. However, last time, I had lots of support. People asked about the treatment, they were curious, they were excited. This time, it almost feels like they think it is old news.. they have heard it all before... I have no questions, there is no excitement. Realistically, they are probably worried about upsetting me, or bringing it up, when they know it failed last time. But it really helped last time, I felt I had people supporting me, behind me. I feel quite alone this time.

I love Christmas. I am that person that get's excited in September when the cards start appearing in the card shops. I am that person who shares Christmas countdown's on Facebook. I count the days down, talk about it all the time, get all warm and bubbly when the wrapping paper and pressies line the shelves in town. This year feels different.

It may be partly because we don't have much spare money, as I am not working full time....but I think it is the treatment. I am trying so, so hard to be positive, to feel that naivety that I felt before. To believe in all my heart that this will work.

Well, after one of those weeks, I had a parcel delivery. I was sort of prepared, as a lovely friend had asked for my address. When hubby brought it home from work (he keeps our post at work as the dog has a tendency to hide post in his bed, and occasionally gets hungry!!)

I opened it and had a beautiful card, with some touching words inside, a jar of baby dust, and a book... ''IVF ... An Emotional Companion'' written by Brigid Moss.

Sometimes, something happens and it completely changes your outlook on something. For the first time, It felt 'right'. This could work... it really could.

I still cant bring myself to say it will, I said this last time, and it didn't. But my wonderful friend really helped me and brought some positivity.  So, Thank You xx

So from today, as I count down the days until we start this roller-coaster again, I will do all I can to remain positive. I will remember to have hope, to stay strong and to believe in miracles...

Keep waiting....

A forum friend posted this on the forum for all of us IVF ladies... I think it is beautiful... 

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
It calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you.
When the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there 
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole 
ordeal.
 In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for 
being the kind of person who shows persistance.
 If it were not for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years, You have been trying. 
Thinking of giving up but never doing it.
 In the end you just keep on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves
me, the one who can love me as no other can.
You will be that mother that you always wanted to be. 
Just you keep waiting for me.

I do not know where it is from, or who the author is, however I do think it captures the emotions we go through. 

I have some IVF updates... I will write later, I do not want to distract from the poem. 

Despairing....

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my feelings in a humorous way. Looking back at my posts, it seems they are more heart felt and not very funny. The truth is, this journey is no longer funny. It is hard work, it is long and tiring... sometimes, we smile, but often we cry. All I can do is hope, and hope that it ends with joy and happiness.

After a weekend with high emotions, I have so much to say. I am not sure where to start. Hubby and I are finding it really hard this weekend (Usual for me, but not for hubby) after attending an Information Day organised by the Infertility Network.

The day was informative...we learnt lots of interesting details that we didn't know before. The biggest for us was probably finding out that due to funding, Wales only offer 2 NHS funded IVF treatments now, instead of 3.

There were speakers on the following; Male fertility, IVF and IUI procedures, Donor Egg and Sperm, Camera Technologies, Clinic Appointments, Acupuncture, Adoption and also Jessica Hepburn (the author of The Pursuit to Motherhood).

Two of the speakers were staff from our last clinic. One was the consultant, the other was a nurse ( a lovely, kind, wonderful nurse). This was when it all got a little emotional. I won't hide the fact that I would go back to them in a heartbeat. I think we are so, so lucky to have the NHS, and to have IVF funded cycles. However, I felt safe with them, they understand how my first cycle went, and because it was private, they have the time to sit and listen to concerns, to be at the other end of the phone. Obviously, due to the strain, NHS staff just don't have this time. The other advantage is that we get to choose the donor. At our NHS clinic it is chosen for us, they just try to match hair and eye colour. So we both got a little emotional that our time with the clinic has come to an end, and has left us wondering if there is any way we can try Egg sharing again....they are booking us a second follow up appointment, so we can talk about how we can bring costs down.

This was then made worse by then finding out that we may have been misinformed by the NHS about our treatment start. We are 'due' to start in December, however ( I did have concerns about this a while ago, but put them to the back of my mind) it seems that donor sperm takes 3 months to organise and import on the NHS funded cycles. I know this hasn't even been discussed, so we may be waiting until next Feb/March. This seems impossible. I need to discuss this at the information session on the 9th October.

Listening to the information, obviously as we have had a failed cycle, we knew alot of the information about the procedures. This brought it all back. We would have been a week or so away from our 12 week scan now, and instead we were sat in an infertility meeting, holding our infertility packs. It was a heart wrencher.

So, we left there confused, shaken and sad. I am glad we went... but I just want my baby now.

So today, I got rather upset again. I wanted to go out, I wanted to go somewhere where I was too busy to think. I don't want to think about any of it. I didn't want to be at home. What reason have I got to be at home? I have no children to cook for, or any homework to complete. I have no naps to consider, and no housework to do. I don't want to look at others, playing with their children, going on days out. I don't want to hear stories of others having family days...bla, bla, bla.

I sound very bitter, and maybe I am. By Monday, I will be okay. But today, I want to wallow.

It has also upset me how alone we are. We are surrounded by friends and family, who all try to support us, but, through no fault of our own, often make it worse. A comment yesterday, when I said we may need to wait until March for our next cycle, was....." well maybe it won't be wise doing at Christmas anyway, so maybe it is a good thing".... they just don't get how painful this is, how every day, it chips a little bit more away from you.

I am rambling on and being incredibly depressing, I apologise. I will pick myself up again soon. It is such a hard journey, and on top of everything else, I am so scared that the next cycle won't work. I want the comfort and stress free experience of the clinic so much, and it's within a fingertips reach. We could start straight away.... and I really feel it is best for us...if only money grew on tree's.

Well, I will turn my sad music off now, say goodnight to the computer and see if I can settle watching the X Factor.

For now, I will say goodnight xxxxxx

Stop the infertility whisper..

As time passes, and things go slowly, you realise how lonely it is in the world of infertility.

Once the IVF has finished, people assume you are okay, stop being curious and move on, leaving us with a popped bubble. Life has to carry on, yes. But why can we not mention it without people shutting down. Our infertility is nothing to be ashamed of.

So, I have signed up to volunteer with the Infertility Network, I will support the infertility awareness week, and if someone asked me if I plan to have children, I will tell them that we are having IVF.

Obviously, my way is not right for everyone else. Some prefer to keep it to themselves, and of course that is fine. But I feel that people who would like to share but don't because they are unsure of how others will take it, should be able to talk about it.

Just my little rant for today...

I am waiting for the 27th September, where I will be attending an Infertility Network Information Day in Cardiff.... and I am thinking of booking some acupuncture... stories and experiences would be very welcome!

Waiting for the train again...

First I need to apologise for leaving you all with no answers....

After my period arrived early I went into shutdown. I functioned as normal. I smiled, I laughed, I was 'normal'. But on the inside, I was devastated, I wanted to close the door to a dark room and just cry. I wanted someone to tell me why. Answer my question when I asked what happened.

But when I asked, there was silence. No one has an answer. It just didn't work. We tested on the Friday (15th) and saw the result we expected.One line.

I was already prepared, which was good as we were moving house that day. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, painted a smile on and off we went. We were busy that weekend so coped pretty well.

It was hard, because we coped, because we smiled, people assumed I was over it. It was done and gone. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered. The plans I had thought about over and over again.

It get's easier. That I can tell you. You think about it less. It is like a loss. A different type of loss, but still painful. We put so much faith in it working. So much hope in our embryo's.

But...  we have experience now, we know what to expect. My body has been through it already. All those things should mean next time should be a little bit easier.

At our follow up appointment I was told it was just one of those things. I struggled going back there. I was supposed to go back for my viability scan. But instead, I sat in the waiting room, watching a new mum showing the staff her beautiful baby, and waiting to be told where I could go from here.

We had an appointment today at the NHS clinic. It went well and we start our second cycle in December. I am so happy, and feel so blessed.
My great Nan passed away last Sunday. Maybe she is looking down on us. If so, then thank you Nan.
We have our second chance and I am so grateful.

I will keep updating. I am going to take this time to loose some weight, try to build my business, www.sentimentaltreasures.moonfruit.com and enjoy life.

But when that train arrives, I will be the first one on.....

Day 17 - How many Embies?!

Thursday 31st July - Waiting for the call.

Half past 8. That was when my phone rang. A mobile number that I didn't recognised. Whoooop! 

5 out of our 6 eggs fertilised. 

5 little embies are currently relaxing in the clinic. We will get a phone call on Saturday morning to let us know whether the Egg Transfer will be Saturday or Monday. 

I am so, so pleased. I have hope and faith that our babies are growing now - test day in 16 days. 

16 days and I 'may' be seeing that positive! 

Day 14 - Guardian Angels...

Someone was looking down on me today... 

My mother and I arrived at the clinic a little early, so we went inside to wait. The consultant was in theatre, so we waited a little longer than usual. 

I was a quivering wreck. I was so worried that something may have happened to the remaining follies, and someone would say it was all over. 

We went in, and I explained that we were happy to have full IVF. I had my scan, which was the quietest and longest 5 minutes I have experienced in a long time. 

Once all over, the consultant told me that I have 7 follicles that are mature and ready to go. I also have 1 little follicle that is just a bit behind in growth, but it may catch up, so keeping everything crossed whilst sat here with my hot water bottle on my stomach....grow, follie, grow! 

So Egg Collection is booked for 8am on Wednesday. I will take my trigger shot tonight at 10.15pm. My alarm is set and I'm ready to go. Looking forward to doing my last injection and a drug free day tomorrow. 

I am blessed to be here, in this situation. My dream is getting closer....thank you guardian angel xx

Day 4 - Getting Nervous

Friday 18th. So 3rd injection today. All went well again, stung a tiny but today, but nothing to put me off.

Struggled with eating and drinking enough, the heat didn't help l don't think.

I was stupidly tired, and just wanted to lie on the sofa. Not sure if that was the weather or the drugs. Trying not to google side effects.
Getting nervous about my reaction to the drugs now. On one hand im worried I will find out that im not responding well, and on the other hand im scared of over stimulated. Trying really hard to just relax, but this journey is full of so many emotions. I guess I will.find out what's happening at my scan on Monday.

Went to see our (hopefully) new house today, and loved it.. Perfect bedroom for a nursery :-)

Went to bed with my hot water bottle and ended up soaked. Brand new and broken, so back to the shop.

More updates on day 5 later...

Me xxx

Day 3 - learning the ropes.

So day 3 (Thursday 17th) - the second day of injections. All went ok, in fact it is surprising how quickly you get used to administering them.

I have started a food diary, which includes measures of the amount of protien consumed. It is quite difficult to measure how much you have had, and they advise 65g per day!

So I was quite uncomfortable in the evening. Very bloated. But I think that was due to the amount of food and drink I'd consumed. 3 litres of water and 1 litre of milk is quite a lot!

Hot water bottle again in the evening. Im hoping we are going ahead in the right direction.

Posting on my phone today, so no fancy signature. Keep your eyes peeled for day 4..

Me xxx

Day 2 - The first injection

It seemed like forever watching the clock. I was due to do my injection at 10am, and the time was going so slowly. At 9.53am I took out my purple bag, took my Gonal - F out of the fridge, and put my sharps box in front of me.

Dialling up to 150ml, I decided there was only one thing to do  - just go for it.

So, I did just that. In seconds it was over. Again, not a pain in sight. Possibly a funny sensation whilst the liquid went in, however that could have been my over indulgent imagination!

I was a little shaky for 5 minutes afterwards, but that was most likely the adrenaline. We then got on with our day, and all was fine! There is a little reddish spot there now, but it doesn't hurt.

I found it was a bit of an anti climax. I have spent so long waiting for this day, and it was over in seconds. I am glad that I had lots to do to take my mind off of it.

So I have had 4 litres of water, 2 breasts of chicken among other protein filled foods, 5 brazil nuts, and now I am sitting with a hot water bottle on my belly.

Come on follicles, lets get growing!

And for another day, I say goodnight!

All aboard the IVF train - Day 1

Ok, so firstly must apologise, this should have been posted yesterday as the first official day of our first IVF cycle. We were in the city all day, not getting home until 10pm, and today we have been getting the house ready for a viewing, so I haven't had chance to breathe!

I will try to update daily from here on in. I know how interesting I would  find it, reading a day to day diary, so would like to share, for any like-minded people out there. So I will start from the very beginning!

Monday 14th July

CD1 - AF arrives. After giving up hope. After being on the pill for 2 months, I was unsure how my body was going to react. I was so worried that I would need to delay my scan, that I actually cried with joy! (Shhh, don't tell anyone!)

Tuesday 15th July - Treatment begins

IVF Day 1 - We are an hour away from the clinic, so we were up bright and breezy. We dropped the dog at my mum's and left home around 12.30 for our appointment at 2pm. We went armed with my Supercur, which I needed to hand back in (due to my plan being changed to an antagonist cycle) and my Gonal - F pen, ready to do my injection teach.

The nurses at the clinic really are lovely, and I feel so at ease around them. We talked about the cycle, what was happening regarding drugs and staying calm! She carried out the baseline scan, and said everything looked fine and we were ready to start injecting.

I was told that I would take my first injection the following day (today) and take one every morning for 6 days. I would next be scanned on Monday the 21st to see how things are progressing.

We then did the injection teach using my Gonal - F Pen, but without injecting liquid. I was told to pinch an inch of skin, and then go for it. I did. And honestly didn't feel a thing. It bled a little when I took it out, but nothing to scream about.

I then had more bloods taken to check for transmittable diseases, and then we were ready to go. We handed in our consent forms, paid our HFEA Fee, and went out into the sunshine.

The clinic had a support meeting that evening, so we hung about, grabbed some food, and had a look around the shops. Living in between 2 small towns, it is nice to look around the big city!

At 6.30, we were back at the clinic and meeting another lovely couple who are about to embark on their first IVF cycle. A little behind us, they were keen to hear all about the process so far. One of the nurses was running the support group, and she was wonderful. She explained so much, and answered lots of questions, and really made me feel at home! I didn't want to leave!

We left the clinic, tired but excited for the journey ahead. Going to bed, ready to wake up to my first injection.

So, without further ado, I will pass you on to Day 2 .....

A little bit longer...

So my post title today should be 'Day 2'. Infact, I should have updated you all yesterday on my first injections.

So, got to the clinic, armed with my meds, only to be told I was booked in at 2, not 10.30. Oh dear. I am so, so sure that I was correct. I remember writing the time in my diary whilst on the phone booking the appointment. However, it is possible that my brain has turned to mush...

Anyway, they were really good and said fitting me in was no problem. When waiting in the waiting area, I heard the nurse on the phone discussing me. We went into the nurse's room, only to be told that they were changing my plan. (jaw dropping moment)

Due to being slightly polycystic, my cycle is now being changed to an Antagonistic Cycle. Now, I am, unfortunately, not a specialist, and would rather not put false google information on here, but I think this means that they will use a drug to postpone ovulation that is not as likely to cause OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).

Obviously, I am grateful and somewhat relieved that they are trying to ensure the cycle goes as well as possible, but I was very disappointed. I have spent weeks psyching myself up to do injections, and was so excited that the 1st July was the start of my IVF. Suddenly, I am told that I have another 2 weeks to wait.

I feel better about it now. I just pray that it is as effective as the other drugs. I will now come off the pill on the 10th of July, ready (hopefully) for my baseline scan on the 15th.

So now we wait. And continue to dream of the day we see our BFP. It won't be long!

The countdown begins...

It's been a few weeks since my last post I am afraid. Things have been getting on top of me quite a bit. I don't feel stressed about the IVF, but everything else is getting on top of me more than normal, so I guess it is bothering me, sub-consciously.

This is the countdown now, and I am going to do my best to update daily once treatment begins. I will try to add as much about the treatment, my diet, what I am doing etc. I know I find reading other people's journey's interesting, and it helps me to get my head around everything. 

So, a week today I would have had my injection teach and done my first injection. 

But for now I will continue to take my 500mg of Metformin (waiting for a call from the consultant to see if they want me to up my dose), my contraception pill, and my folic acid and vitamins.

We had a letter through from the clinic yesterday to say that our donor sperm is now waiting and safe in the clinic! Madness!  

But for today, I will say goodnight... 

Special Delivery...

Oh my bloomin goodness. A man in a van turned up today with a very normal looking box with my name on it. To anyone else, it was just a box. Something I'd ordered online. I was so excited. This was all about to get very real. 

So I ripped open the box to see what was inside... and nearly fainted at the 60 needles for the Suprecur, the 60 pen applicators for the Bursulin, and the sharps box! 

I officially have all of my IVF drugs!! I thought I would take some pictures. I know I have always found it helpful and interesting to see other people's photo's to get a feeling of what to expect... 

I was even given a lovely bag to keep it all in - however, as you can see, some of it needs to sit in the fridge and chill! 

So we are one step closer....next job is to order our sperm..... I shall be back to let you know how that goes. 

Let's be happy..

Ok, so firstly I wanted to apologise for that awfully depressing post yesterday. I just realised I forgot to put labels on it to make it easier to search. I am so thankful for this!! 

I was having one of those days, where you feel lost. Today is a better day and I am being happy, happy, happy. 

I talked to the clinic again yesterday, and it looks as though we are on for the original date. So in 3 weeks and 6 days, I will be on my way to my injection teach, and doing my first injection. 

Aaaaaah. I'm scared. I'm not terrified of needles, but doing it myself! Please someone tell me it is ok. 

It's a scary journey, this one. Full of ups and downs. I used to wonder why there was so much emphasis on the stress around IVF but I understand now, and I haven't even started treatment yet. I have so much admiration for every person, be it single or in a couple, that walk this path. 

I am now on metformin, watching my diet, drinking my 2 litres a day, and craving every bad food (that I don't usually eat anyway!!) because I am being so good. Hubby did bring me home some chocolate yesterday.... mmmmmmm so good! 

So from me today...... 

Take care guys, 

Dreams may come true...

You wait, you wish, you dream....and then, it happens. And ...you freak out! 

We had our date today. Our Egg collection is on the 28th July. 9 weeks and 3 days. The moment where the lovely staff at our clinic try to fulfill dreams. The dreams of two families. 

We started trying to start our family 4 years ago. In the early days, I'm not sure I contemplated what would happen when we saw those 2 lines. We were just trying. 

Now in less than 10 weeks time (fingers crossed and all going well), I will have an embie put back inside of me, and we live in hope that a couple of weeks from there, we will have our BFP. 

I'm scared now. Scared of the treatment, Scared of it not working, even a little bit scared of it working (in a funny sort of way!) We have waited so long and now the possibility is virtually at our finger tips. 

My head is spinning with everything I should be doing and how to prepare. 

I am, of course, very excited too! I am amazed at what the end result may hopefully be. 

Hubby is being amazing. He is so excited. He had his FSH levels back today. They were 21, so seems that they are settling around the twenties. The consultant feel's that there is very little chance of retrieving anything, so we are full speed ahead with a donor. I am so proud of him, and the person he has become. He often gets put down by the people who are supposed to be close to him... but he really is a better person than they dare to believe. 

So not long now, the wait is almost over. We will begin to count the days... 

And...breathe.

Ok, so I am a little calmer that earlier. Only a little though...don't relax too much!!

So as you may have guessed, today I received my pill. I have never been so glad to see the contraceptive pill!

I start taking next week hopefully, on the second day of my next cycle. Now I am just waiting for a treatment plan.

Someone pinch me...I think I may be dreaming.

And on that note, Goodnight, Sleep tight xx

"Life is like a rollercoaster.... "

Wow, 900 views! Hopefully we can soon get it up to 1K!

Well, it's been a crazy week.

Early last week I received news that a recipient had been contacted, and we are waiting on a reply, to see whether I am her match! My email inbox has never been refreshed so many times a day!! 

So we started off pretty straight forward. And then. I lost my job. Not in a awful, your sacked kind of way, but in a, we don't really need you any more kind of way. So with treatment weeks away, I'm not sure where to go from here... No employer will take me on knowing I am about to go through IVF. So I am trying to get freelance work and wondering how we will manage financially. 

I make Sentimental Gifts, Sentimental Treasures and will try to sell these, but it is slow moving, and like any business, slow to get up off the ground. 

And then... On Friday, Hubby had his results appointment at the NHS Clinic. Or most of his results. Some still weren't back ... 7 months later. He is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. He also has high FSH. Usually the two don't go together. The consultant said if you have the Cystic Fibrosis Gene, the azoospermia is usually obstructive, and hormonal problems are non-obstructive. So he is a medical mystery. And if that isn't confusing enough, his FSH levels have gone from 27 last April (2013) to 17.9 in December. People say they don't fluctuate, but they have dropped by 10. 

So the bloods have been repeated, and we go back next Friday. What a whirlwind. I broke down, and felt so so selfish, as all I could think about was the treatment being cancelled. We have waited so long, and this comes along and messes it up. Perhaps I should have been elated. If his FSH drop anymore, they may be looking at sperm retrieval. I was confused, I was hurt and I felt cheated. All I could see were months ahead of me of more waiting. Waiting for the outcome to be the same. 

I called our private clinic and explained. The nurse was lovely, and assured me that nothing would be affected at the moment and we had the time to get the results. She thinks it is just a blip, and we will still be using Donor Sperm. 

Hubby, bless his soul, is still happy to go forward with a donor. He understands how important it is for us both to continue, and says that if his results go down, we could always try retrieval in the future. 

It worries us that by genetically fathering a child, he may pass down the gene, and the other little health problems he has. He will make an amazing father, regardless of the genetics. I was told last week by my employer (ex!) that it won't be his child. That the eggs I share will become my children. Well.... more of that to come in the next post. 

For now, we wait. We wait to hear if we have transformed the life of another. 

Let me tell you something...if you can get through the turmoil of infertility and IVF...you can get through ANYTHING!