Happy New Year!!

Ok, so I am probably the most useless blogger ever. My last post was on the 30th December. Over 2 weeks ago. I'm sorry!

Do I have a reason? Not really. I am trying to limit my time on the laptop. It is easier to web surf, and then you end up reading all sorts of things that start you on that anxiety roller coaster. But that is no excuse for not being here to chat.

So first I'd like to wish you all a very Happy (and belated) New Year!! I hope that 2015 has started well for you all.

So I am 7 weeks pregnant today. Still sounds odd to say that! It has been a mental couple of weeks.

On New Years Eve, I ended up in the local hospital with bad pain in my right side. They wanted to rule out an eptopic pregnancy, however all they could do was take bloods to see if my hormone levels were high enough for them to scan me. It was so strange to see the new year in on the gynae ward!!

So at 00.25am, on the first day of 2015, hubby and I were walking back to the car, with fireworks sounding in the background.

I then went for a scan on the 2nd of January. I was 5 weeks and 2 days, so it was obviously very early. The internal scan showed 2 gestational sacs! (So Holly and Ivy both implanted!) however only 1 had a visible yolk sac. This could be because the second baby was a little slower in it's development, however I am prepared and have been warned that it may not progress.

The pain eased within a couple of days, but that hasn't stopped the period type cramps, which send me up the wall. I have convinced myself so many times that this is a dream, or that the pregnancy isn't progressing. I have done so many tests that everyone is shouting at me, and we could probably do with taking out shares with Clearblue!!

So as we hit the 7 week point today, I have two sleeps until my viability scan at the clinic. Excited much?! And then my follow up NHS appointment on Monday.

I will try and be better up updating. I really think at the moment I am still in a sort of Limbo. I need to see it to believe it!!

Have a good week xx

Waiting for the train again...

First I need to apologise for leaving you all with no answers....

After my period arrived early I went into shutdown. I functioned as normal. I smiled, I laughed, I was 'normal'. But on the inside, I was devastated, I wanted to close the door to a dark room and just cry. I wanted someone to tell me why. Answer my question when I asked what happened.

But when I asked, there was silence. No one has an answer. It just didn't work. We tested on the Friday (15th) and saw the result we expected.One line.

I was already prepared, which was good as we were moving house that day. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, painted a smile on and off we went. We were busy that weekend so coped pretty well.

It was hard, because we coped, because we smiled, people assumed I was over it. It was done and gone. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered. The plans I had thought about over and over again.

It get's easier. That I can tell you. You think about it less. It is like a loss. A different type of loss, but still painful. We put so much faith in it working. So much hope in our embryo's.

But...  we have experience now, we know what to expect. My body has been through it already. All those things should mean next time should be a little bit easier.

At our follow up appointment I was told it was just one of those things. I struggled going back there. I was supposed to go back for my viability scan. But instead, I sat in the waiting room, watching a new mum showing the staff her beautiful baby, and waiting to be told where I could go from here.

We had an appointment today at the NHS clinic. It went well and we start our second cycle in December. I am so happy, and feel so blessed.
My great Nan passed away last Sunday. Maybe she is looking down on us. If so, then thank you Nan.
We have our second chance and I am so grateful.

I will keep updating. I am going to take this time to loose some weight, try to build my business, www.sentimentaltreasures.moonfruit.com and enjoy life.

But when that train arrives, I will be the first one on.....

Happy Easter

Just hopping in to say... Happy Easter! 

I hope you have all had a good day. Who know's what next Easter will bring. 

I am now off to eat my weight in chocolate :) 

Lights and tunnels and all that...

They don't lie when they tell you it is an emotional journey. A positive but tiring day full of ups and downs. 

So we got to the clinic early, Hubby, myself and my orange pants went for a pot of tea first. It felt like the longest 30 minutes ever, waiting for the clock to tick around to 2.45pm.

I have to say, the clinic was brilliant and make you feel very relaxed. All sorts of emotions go through your head. Walking in, you see other ladies and gentleman waiting as well... In a normal hospital you see all these different people and can't help but wonder what they are there for. Today you knew... they were there for exactly the same reason as us. They longed for a baby - another little person to make their family complete. Everyone there are going through the same emotion filled journey as we are.

We went in to the nurses room, reality hit me - conception is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, and here I was on a bed, catching a chill, with my feet in the air... 

So one overy has lots of follicles and has PCOS - the other looks ok. 

Whilst I could do with loosing a few more pounds, my BMI was under the cut off. So the lovely nurse took some blood and asked us to go into the waiting area. We then went into the consultant, who went into detail about the procedure, explained the negatives and asked lots of questions about our medical history. 

With PCOS, there is a higher risk of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), so they will have to monitor the effect the medication has on me closely. 

All in all, it was a good day, we learnt alot, we are moving forward - but boy am I drained. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel - we are on our way - all being well, 4 months from now we will be close to testing. This is what we need to hold on to. But I am scared - it all feels so real now! 

I salute all you wonderful couples/ladies that go through this, because it takes guts, stamina and strength. 

I am leaving now - I need to shout from my rooftops.... 

We are officially on the IVF journey.... 

Happy February...

Well it is the 4th Feb! There is now 9 weeks until our appointment!

Counting down the weeks.

I have a tip for you all. You have to use it carefully however, because it can make you sound a little erm...mad. You have to be very careful when explaining the reasoning behind the tip.

Ok, I have just acquired a new job. A job that expects me to wear black trousers. I'm a jeans kind of girl, and so told the husband that I needed some new trousers.

Now in the last few years, I have gone from being 18 stone, down to 11, and most of my jeans are a size 12. However in black trousers, I always find the waistbands like stone. They have zero stretch and are clearly designed for the women who don't exist.

So, onto my next problem. My legs and rear end are a size 10.

And then..... I am lucky if I measure over 5ft 2.

A 14 fit me around the waist, but swim on me everywhere else, a 10 will not even contemplate greeting around the middle section and a 12 whilst OK at breakfast time when I am stood doing the dishes, will almost cut me in half whilst I am sat at my desk after my wheat filled sandwiches.

So in conclusion... I need a pair of black trousers, size stretchy 12 around belly, tight size 10 around bottom half and trousers that look like shorts on everyone else.

Off we go...

I tell my husband in the middle of Asda that we are here for maternity trousers. You could have knocked him down! He then thought I had lost the plot and asked me if I needed a cup of sugared tea.

I then took great pride in asking the sales assistant where the maternity clothes were and prancing around the maternity department of New Look. I then enjoyed picking out all the pairs of black trousers to 'try on' and having a telling the husband how wonderful they would be. And can you imagine my excitement when a girl that I went to school with walked past and stared at my over the bump trousers that I was cradling.

I am now sat in a very comfy pair of size 10 maternity trousers. They are so comfortable around the waist, without making the rest of me look like a saggy strawberry. I think I have won my husband around, but I will not be sharing with friends. I'm not sure they would understand my excitement.

I apologise for any spelling or grammar mistakes above. I have chosen not to read my entry back, to minimize the risk of convincing myself that I am in fact crazy.

Sex Education Blunder...

Ok, so I came across the following picture while I was planning my next wedding and decorating my nursery on Pinterest... 

and the realisation hit my like a brick. My sex education teacher was misinformed. The school taught us wrong. A room of 30 teenagers and every single one of us had been given the incorrect sex talk. 

My teacher told us in a whirlwind of a lesson that we were not to have sex, not to kiss, not to even look at a member of the opposite sex because we WILL get pregnant. 

Hmmmf. Perhaps I should go and ask him where my baby is. 

Alright, so I will climb down off of my horse, and accept that it is important for teens to be aware of the dangers of unprotected sex, however am I the only one that had no idea that infertility even existed? 

No-one explained to me that we have a fertile window, that you have to time your lovely time. Imagine my great surprise when I came off the pill and one year later I still had no bump. I was gobsmacked when I found out that some people can't just get pregnant. 

Just a quick note to any young ones reading... it really is important to use protection, as there are many many people who find conception easy, and the chances of you having fertility issues can be very slim... 

What does everyone think? Should schools also cover infertility? Should people be more educated on how difficult it can be? Comments below ... oh and my follower is rather lonely on her own...please join us!

Floating around in my bubble..

Ok, so it happened. It was only a matter of time. I am planning my nursery. I am planning what my baby will wear. The pram I will push. The bottles I will keep on standby if I need to use them. The baby bouncer for my lounge. I could go on. 

My internet history is made up of visits to Mothercare, Kiddicare, Asda, Tesco, Mamas and Papas, Toys R Us..... again, I could go on. 

Then something occurred to me. My head has been spinning with my entire motherhood future, but I can't share it with anyone. 

I have thought about names, picked up clothes in the supermarket, asked the hubby which bibs he like... but how do I stop people thinking that I have lost my mind in some kind of baby oblivion? 

I keep it to myself, I have jumped into a bubble and I cannot let anyone in. 

Hubby asked me what was wrong, as I have been quiet lately. I tried to explain ... 

The day someone finds out they are pregnant they are ecstatic (most of the time) and start planning. They pick out clothes, decorate the nursery, choose names, have hour long discussions about the different types of parenting styles, they surf the internet, they go baby shopping, they share their news and they plan their future. 
My pregnancy journey started 3 and a half years ago. I may not be pregnant yet, but I had planned to be back in 2010. I feel the same as other mums to be, I am excited to do all these things, but when reality beckons, my uterus is empty. All I feel are the few pangs of AF every month. Everyone will think I am crazy to want to constantly talk about all my ideas for my pregnancy and how I will dress my newborn. So I stay quiet, fantasize in my own bubble, and don't share my desire with anyone. That is why I am quiet. 

So, like many other lovely coupes, we are stuck in a bubble. Other people cannot share my excitement, because they don't understand my excitement. They tell me, you can worry about that when the time comes, or there will be new stock when you are pregnant. 

Am I crazy to want to have a day out with Hubby in Mothercare or Kiddicare? 

Actually....don't answer that! Who else has a bubble?

Sunday Silliness..

So today I will just leave you with this silly picture! It made me smile! Can we hope for a special delivery now that you stork has been caught??

Happy Sunday! 

From the mouths of idiots...

(Clearly, no offence to idiots intended!!)

OK, so over the weekend, a fairly close family member said quite an insensitive thing regarding our lack of fertility. We brushed it off, that side of the family are quite mean anyway... but it made me think of all the other things people say (probably to try and make it seem better) but end up digging big holes... 

So I though i'd share them! Please, please, please feel free to comment with your own silly comments that you have heard! 

So starting with the most recent... 

• "Well, why don't you just go out and sleep with someone, get pregnant, and then there will be no IVF costs."  (Yes, seriously, she said it twice, in front of my poor husband!)

• "At least you don't have to wear condoms now." (Can't you tell, I'm really excited about this one!)

• Now you can just enjoy sex... (because baby making is just so awful!)

• "Wouldn't it be easier to just find someone else?" (Yea, nice, thanks!)

• "Oh, yea, I've got other friends that are firing blanks" (Tactful!)

• "Maybe you could just buy a baby!" (Haha, that's funny!)

• "At least you won't need to go through awful pregnancy!" (Oh, yea, hadn't thought of that!)

• "Can't you just buy some swimmers off the internet?" (Nice!)

• "You don't have to have children, I have had three, but I would have been more than happy without any" (try saying that when you don't have any!)

So what lovely statements have you had? 

I understand that unless you have been through it, it is difficult to understand. But surely when common sense is involved... we can laugh them off, but at the time it hurts. 

I know we will get there, without being unfaithful, without buying my baby, without just buying some strangers swimmers. I don't need to find anyone else, I love my husband, and will go through an awful pregnancy and put up with these bloomin' awful comments, and at the end, we will be holding our precious bundle!