Waiting for the train again...

First I need to apologise for leaving you all with no answers....

After my period arrived early I went into shutdown. I functioned as normal. I smiled, I laughed, I was 'normal'. But on the inside, I was devastated, I wanted to close the door to a dark room and just cry. I wanted someone to tell me why. Answer my question when I asked what happened.

But when I asked, there was silence. No one has an answer. It just didn't work. We tested on the Friday (15th) and saw the result we expected.One line.

I was already prepared, which was good as we were moving house that day. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, painted a smile on and off we went. We were busy that weekend so coped pretty well.

It was hard, because we coped, because we smiled, people assumed I was over it. It was done and gone. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered. The plans I had thought about over and over again.

It get's easier. That I can tell you. You think about it less. It is like a loss. A different type of loss, but still painful. We put so much faith in it working. So much hope in our embryo's.

But...  we have experience now, we know what to expect. My body has been through it already. All those things should mean next time should be a little bit easier.

At our follow up appointment I was told it was just one of those things. I struggled going back there. I was supposed to go back for my viability scan. But instead, I sat in the waiting room, watching a new mum showing the staff her beautiful baby, and waiting to be told where I could go from here.

We had an appointment today at the NHS clinic. It went well and we start our second cycle in December. I am so happy, and feel so blessed.
My great Nan passed away last Sunday. Maybe she is looking down on us. If so, then thank you Nan.
We have our second chance and I am so grateful.

I will keep updating. I am going to take this time to loose some weight, try to build my business, www.sentimentaltreasures.moonfruit.com and enjoy life.

But when that train arrives, I will be the first one on.....

Day 2 - The first injection

It seemed like forever watching the clock. I was due to do my injection at 10am, and the time was going so slowly. At 9.53am I took out my purple bag, took my Gonal - F out of the fridge, and put my sharps box in front of me.

Dialling up to 150ml, I decided there was only one thing to do  - just go for it.

So, I did just that. In seconds it was over. Again, not a pain in sight. Possibly a funny sensation whilst the liquid went in, however that could have been my over indulgent imagination!

I was a little shaky for 5 minutes afterwards, but that was most likely the adrenaline. We then got on with our day, and all was fine! There is a little reddish spot there now, but it doesn't hurt.

I found it was a bit of an anti climax. I have spent so long waiting for this day, and it was over in seconds. I am glad that I had lots to do to take my mind off of it.

So I have had 4 litres of water, 2 breasts of chicken among other protein filled foods, 5 brazil nuts, and now I am sitting with a hot water bottle on my belly.

Come on follicles, lets get growing!

And for another day, I say goodnight!

The joys of facebook...

I get it - I really do. I know that pregnancy is not a walk in the park. I've seen my mum go through it a fair few times, and her pregnancies were a far cry away from a positive experience.

I know that you get sick, you are ridiculously tired, you can't sleep, you get swollen feet, you have to carry baby and bump around for months....etc,etc...

However. What do you do when someone on Facebook updates her status twice a day about how crap her pregnancy is, how she can't wait until it is over, how rubbish it is. Easy answer, I know, delete Facebook. I would, but have family on there that live far away and they rely on photo's etc to keep updated.

Sometimes you just want to scream - do you not realise how lucky you are. You have a beautiful baby growing inside you. I understand that from her point of view her pregnancy is crap, but it can't  be as crap as the 3 years we have spent wishing for that.

She will meet her baby soon, and her pregnancy will be far from her mind - we will still be waiting for our dream.

If there are any ladies reading this, that are having a difficult pregnancy, then hugs to you, stay strong, you will have your baby soon. You have every right to complain  -  I'm sure I will when the time comes! But before you share it on Facebook, or shout it from the rooftops, be mindful of the ladies out there that would do everything and anything to be in your situation.


I'm sure we have all been here. Just sending big cyber hugs to all you ladies <3

Lights and tunnels and all that...

They don't lie when they tell you it is an emotional journey. A positive but tiring day full of ups and downs. 

So we got to the clinic early, Hubby, myself and my orange pants went for a pot of tea first. It felt like the longest 30 minutes ever, waiting for the clock to tick around to 2.45pm.

I have to say, the clinic was brilliant and make you feel very relaxed. All sorts of emotions go through your head. Walking in, you see other ladies and gentleman waiting as well... In a normal hospital you see all these different people and can't help but wonder what they are there for. Today you knew... they were there for exactly the same reason as us. They longed for a baby - another little person to make their family complete. Everyone there are going through the same emotion filled journey as we are.

We went in to the nurses room, reality hit me - conception is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, and here I was on a bed, catching a chill, with my feet in the air... 

So one overy has lots of follicles and has PCOS - the other looks ok. 

Whilst I could do with loosing a few more pounds, my BMI was under the cut off. So the lovely nurse took some blood and asked us to go into the waiting area. We then went into the consultant, who went into detail about the procedure, explained the negatives and asked lots of questions about our medical history. 

With PCOS, there is a higher risk of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), so they will have to monitor the effect the medication has on me closely. 

All in all, it was a good day, we learnt alot, we are moving forward - but boy am I drained. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel - we are on our way - all being well, 4 months from now we will be close to testing. This is what we need to hold on to. But I am scared - it all feels so real now! 

I salute all you wonderful couples/ladies that go through this, because it takes guts, stamina and strength. 

I am leaving now - I need to shout from my rooftops.... 

We are officially on the IVF journey.... 

Waiting but not ready..

Well, this afternoon we are packing ourselves off to the clinic for our first appointment!

I have so so much to do and am mega stressed about fitting everything in today...BREATHE!

You know when you have one of those days where you have planned everything to a time, have a plan, and a timetable... and one thing gets thrown in and it all turns upside down! That's this morning...

But, after stressing after not getting any - yesterday I purchased my pants!

I have been panicking about my weight and BMI - there seems to be some confusion over the BMI  cut off point, and I seem to fall right in the middle of that BMI - my weight fluctuates and I swear my scales don't work - I can weigh and be 11st 8, and then weight again and have gained 3 pounds! So I am worried they will tell me I can't egg share!


Anyway - I shall get on with everything I need to do, and update you very soon!

Happy February...

Well it is the 4th Feb! There is now 9 weeks until our appointment!

Counting down the weeks.

I have a tip for you all. You have to use it carefully however, because it can make you sound a little erm...mad. You have to be very careful when explaining the reasoning behind the tip.

Ok, I have just acquired a new job. A job that expects me to wear black trousers. I'm a jeans kind of girl, and so told the husband that I needed some new trousers.

Now in the last few years, I have gone from being 18 stone, down to 11, and most of my jeans are a size 12. However in black trousers, I always find the waistbands like stone. They have zero stretch and are clearly designed for the women who don't exist.

So, onto my next problem. My legs and rear end are a size 10.

And then..... I am lucky if I measure over 5ft 2.

A 14 fit me around the waist, but swim on me everywhere else, a 10 will not even contemplate greeting around the middle section and a 12 whilst OK at breakfast time when I am stood doing the dishes, will almost cut me in half whilst I am sat at my desk after my wheat filled sandwiches.

So in conclusion... I need a pair of black trousers, size stretchy 12 around belly, tight size 10 around bottom half and trousers that look like shorts on everyone else.

Off we go...

I tell my husband in the middle of Asda that we are here for maternity trousers. You could have knocked him down! He then thought I had lost the plot and asked me if I needed a cup of sugared tea.

I then took great pride in asking the sales assistant where the maternity clothes were and prancing around the maternity department of New Look. I then enjoyed picking out all the pairs of black trousers to 'try on' and having a telling the husband how wonderful they would be. And can you imagine my excitement when a girl that I went to school with walked past and stared at my over the bump trousers that I was cradling.

I am now sat in a very comfy pair of size 10 maternity trousers. They are so comfortable around the waist, without making the rest of me look like a saggy strawberry. I think I have won my husband around, but I will not be sharing with friends. I'm not sure they would understand my excitement.

I apologise for any spelling or grammar mistakes above. I have chosen not to read my entry back, to minimize the risk of convincing myself that I am in fact crazy.