Another hurdle crossed. ..

We had our 20 week scan yesterday and both babies look fine. All went well. I was so nervous and was expecting something to be wrong.

I have promised family I will now start to enjoy this pregnancy and believe my babies will be coming home. It is still so surreal and I am just protecting myself from getting hurt sub-consiously,  but I owe it to my boys to have faith in them.

I have felt the quiet baby kicking this last 12 hours.  Actually kicking. They are telling get they're mummy to stop worrying I think!

So overall feeling well. Lots of aches and pains in legs hips and back, but all to be expected according to the midwife .

Still not able to eat green vegetables ! Guilty mum moment.  But making sure I stock up on other good foods.

Bump is growing and is heavy and sore now if I am walking a lot. 

I still have to pinch myself sometimes. I phoned the clinic yesterday to update them on the scan. They sounded very happy and I am so grateful to them. Hubby will tell people that they helped to make our miracles. 

IVF was so hard. We put our bodies through so much.  We spend so much money trying to achieve something so natural. We worry, we stress, we cry, we hope.

But it is worth every tear.

Posting on my phone today... so no fancy signature! Have a lovely weekend. 

Love, Me xxx

Our first ever BFP!

So we tested yesterday (Christmas Eve) at 11dp3dt and got a BFP (Big Fat Positive)

It still hasn't really sunk in...it's feels so surreal. I am totally over the moon, and hubby is like a bottle of pop! 

I have been poorly with a bad tummy and nausea, and not sure if it is pregnancy (that sounds proper weird!!) or a tummy bug, but feel so much better today. I am managing the nausea now with Rennie. 

I also have some twinges and a back ache. But trying to take it all in my stride. 

We have told family and close friends. We have decided that we are extremely lucky to get to this point, and I pray and hope that the pregnancy continues, however if it doesn't at least we would have enjoyed every moment we could. 

Now we will test again tomorrow and Saturday, and then notify the clinic, where we will be notified of our viability scan. 

So below is a photo of our first BFP. We are pregnant! We are having a baby. After 5 years, 2 IVF cycles, and many tears, we have got one step forward. What a wonderful Christmas. For all those still waiting, please have hope. It is a long journey, it is a bloomin' hard journey...but it's well worth it. 

Spreading baby dust to you all and wishing you a very Merry Christmas xx

Time has stopped...

Or that is how it feels anyway!

I am 9dp3dt today, and if Holly and Ivy are still going strong, then today is the 2nd day that the HCG hormone is being produced. I hope, and feel hopeful that something is happening. I certainly don't feel myself. I have lots of symptoms that could be pregnancy related, however the horrible progesterone pessaries could also be the culprit.

I have cramps on and off, but I am trying really hard to ignore them. I am exhausted all the time and feel queasy a lot. That is just to name a few. There are more, but are they all in my head.

I guess time will tell. I am further down the line this time, and for me, that is wonderful.

Only 2 more sleeps!

Apprehension..

...and nerves, and excitement, and concern, and panic, and happiness... oh my, I am like a whirlwind of emotions. 

Tomorrow we will make the journey to the clinic to have the 'Endometrial Scratch'. I know, I can see you wincing already. Everyone does. I think the name says it all. 

I will have a small, thin catheter inserted. They will then scratch away at my lining. This encourages new cells to grow, and hopefully aiding implantation. They say it shouldn't be too painful...I am yet to believe this. 

I am not scared of the procedure. I will endure a little bit of pain for the blessing of a baby. 

I am scared of this cycle. I am so excited too, don't get me wrong. I am so lucky to get this chance. But I am scared of it all going wrong. I am scared of a BFN (big fat negative) at Christmas. 

Once I get back into the clinic, I know I will feel more positive. One day, our baby will be on their wall of fame. 

This needs to work...I have a special friend reserving my Mum and Baby parking space at the shopping mall!! 

I will be back tomorrow to update you on my adventures! 

Big boxes of excitement..

It's not very often we get to be excited over a big box of drugs!

Today, a lovely gentleman dropped of 2 boxes...one big, one small. It marks the start for me. My drugs are now chillin' in the fridge!! The big box had iced containers in, and just had my three small boxes hiding in the middle!

 All feels very real now! Less than a week until the Endometrial Scratch (gulp...) and then it is all go, go, go...

Went shopping yesterday with my mum...only for food, however we had a walk around some lovely Christmas lines shops and I now feel much more excited that Christmas is on it's way!! 

Hope...

Hope. Something that I think is really important. But sometimes, we loose it. Sometimes we struggle to hold onto it firmly.

Other times, something happens that makes it stronger, reminds us that it is still there.

Journey's like this one require hope. You have little else. We are relying on something completely out of our control. We read every book, we can follow every suggestion...but in the end, it will either work, or it won't. So the only thing that we can do is hope.

Something happened yesterday that gave me hope. A good friend of mine ( we started talking on the forum I am on, and then met up a few weeks ago...I feel like I have known her for years now!) received her BFP. It was her first IVF cycle and after a grueling 2 week wait, she had two lines yesterday. Don't be fooled though, her journey has been as long and as difficult as everyone else's... so it really is a miracle, and amazing news.

It is often hard to hear of BFP's and pregnancy when you are still awaiting your own. But I can honestly say that I am over the moon for her...and for other fellow IVF'ers. It's not that I am not happy for everyone else, but when you have followed someone's journey through infertility, and you can totally relate to how they feel, it makes that pregnancy even more special, and easy to accept.

It gives you hope. Hope that it can work. Hope that it will work.

We take so much for granted in this world...but achieving and progressing through pregnancy, and meeting your baby at the end of it, will always be something that those dealing with infertility will never, ever take for granted.

Whoa, here comes the train...

Okay, so our money is sat in hubby's account. We can pay for the sperm. We are cycling in December.
Aaaahhhh!

It's funny... you reach out and try and grab it... then when you finally get it, you get so scared you almost let go. I am excited to cycle again, but I cannot imagine a happy ending. I am scared to build myself up again only to get shot down. But I know that I have to do this. I have to be positive.

I cannot explain how much I want this. Christmas is going to go one way or the other.

I am one year older in January. I wonder whether I will be a mummy to be. It would be the best birthday present EVER. I would be the happiest lady on the universe.

So, the train is in the station... I have my ticket and the cases are packed. There are many stops along the way and the journey won't be easy. Sorry, what did you say? Where is it heading?

It's heading to babyville...

Blinded by the storm..

I have been flying around in a whirlwind of emotions these last few days. The roller-coaster effect has taken off, and so much has happened and then un-happened. I am tired of being told one thing, tired of another happening, tired of feeling empty, and tired of fighting.

Monday - Accepted onto egg sharing again... but decide to find out the in's and out's of the NHS first. Call the NHS, get told the information I was given a month ago (that we would start in December) was wrong and that it would actually be March 15. Devastated. This ended in me in the middle of Starbucks, sobbing like a right idiot! Decided to see if Hubby could get a loan to cover the cost of Donor sperm... then we would egg share again. Called the clinic, they could match me straight away! Excitement!

Tuesday - Got worried about the cycle affecting our NHS cycle and called the NHS clinic. It would mean we only had 1 cycle left. That was OK, nothing lost, nothing gained. I am happy to loose a cycle if I can afford to egg share. Why should I get it, if I can use a private clinic. However, in asking questions, find out that I had again been told the wrong information, and I could indeed pay for the sperm to quicken the NHS cycle up. This would be slightly less that egg sharing, and mean we could continue with the NHS. However, the nurse's attitude hurt. She told me I was really lucky to be able to pay privately and that's why we loose a cycle.

Wednesday - Uneventful day, quite excited to go to the information day tomorrow.

Thursday - Get to the information session and it all feel's so real. Presentation was done and we got to speak to some of the staff. I wanted to confirm the sperm donor ordering etc. It was then, that I get told that we wouldn't be cycling until the New Year, due to the clinic being closed at Christmas. Gutted. Again. We have spent a very long day deciding what to do. I am so tempted to cycle this year, but know that are best chances of a successful cycle are with the NHS.


I understand the NHS have limited availability, but I have not been given the same information twice. It is hard enough, without my hopes being built up and shattered over and over again. The nurse today treated me like a number. I think she thinks I am being a pushy patient with money who can buy this and that in order to move forward. If only she knew the truth. We owe money, we are borrowing more money. My husband worked 60 hours last week to try and up our income. We are just normal middle class people. Neither parents have disposable income or savings. We have always lived for the day. We have been trying for a baby for 4 years. It is all I focus on. It is all I can think about. We have been on their waiting list for 19 months, and it will be almost two years when we cycle. We have been pushed from pillar to post, referred to the wrong department and told several different stories.....

So I am not some woman who thinks money can push her up the ladder.. I am not someone who had a private cycle just to fill the time... I am desperate. I am living every day waiting for it to pass. I am just waiting for my baby....please don't judge me.


So...it is 13 weeks until they finish their Christmas holiday, and AF is due the same time... Let's start counting.

Keep waiting....

A forum friend posted this on the forum for all of us IVF ladies... I think it is beautiful... 

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
It calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you.
When the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there 
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole 
ordeal.
 In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for 
being the kind of person who shows persistance.
 If it were not for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years, You have been trying. 
Thinking of giving up but never doing it.
 In the end you just keep on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves
me, the one who can love me as no other can.
You will be that mother that you always wanted to be. 
Just you keep waiting for me.

I do not know where it is from, or who the author is, however I do think it captures the emotions we go through. 

I have some IVF updates... I will write later, I do not want to distract from the poem. 

Despairing....

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my feelings in a humorous way. Looking back at my posts, it seems they are more heart felt and not very funny. The truth is, this journey is no longer funny. It is hard work, it is long and tiring... sometimes, we smile, but often we cry. All I can do is hope, and hope that it ends with joy and happiness.

After a weekend with high emotions, I have so much to say. I am not sure where to start. Hubby and I are finding it really hard this weekend (Usual for me, but not for hubby) after attending an Information Day organised by the Infertility Network.

The day was informative...we learnt lots of interesting details that we didn't know before. The biggest for us was probably finding out that due to funding, Wales only offer 2 NHS funded IVF treatments now, instead of 3.

There were speakers on the following; Male fertility, IVF and IUI procedures, Donor Egg and Sperm, Camera Technologies, Clinic Appointments, Acupuncture, Adoption and also Jessica Hepburn (the author of The Pursuit to Motherhood).

Two of the speakers were staff from our last clinic. One was the consultant, the other was a nurse ( a lovely, kind, wonderful nurse). This was when it all got a little emotional. I won't hide the fact that I would go back to them in a heartbeat. I think we are so, so lucky to have the NHS, and to have IVF funded cycles. However, I felt safe with them, they understand how my first cycle went, and because it was private, they have the time to sit and listen to concerns, to be at the other end of the phone. Obviously, due to the strain, NHS staff just don't have this time. The other advantage is that we get to choose the donor. At our NHS clinic it is chosen for us, they just try to match hair and eye colour. So we both got a little emotional that our time with the clinic has come to an end, and has left us wondering if there is any way we can try Egg sharing again....they are booking us a second follow up appointment, so we can talk about how we can bring costs down.

This was then made worse by then finding out that we may have been misinformed by the NHS about our treatment start. We are 'due' to start in December, however ( I did have concerns about this a while ago, but put them to the back of my mind) it seems that donor sperm takes 3 months to organise and import on the NHS funded cycles. I know this hasn't even been discussed, so we may be waiting until next Feb/March. This seems impossible. I need to discuss this at the information session on the 9th October.

Listening to the information, obviously as we have had a failed cycle, we knew alot of the information about the procedures. This brought it all back. We would have been a week or so away from our 12 week scan now, and instead we were sat in an infertility meeting, holding our infertility packs. It was a heart wrencher.

So, we left there confused, shaken and sad. I am glad we went... but I just want my baby now.

So today, I got rather upset again. I wanted to go out, I wanted to go somewhere where I was too busy to think. I don't want to think about any of it. I didn't want to be at home. What reason have I got to be at home? I have no children to cook for, or any homework to complete. I have no naps to consider, and no housework to do. I don't want to look at others, playing with their children, going on days out. I don't want to hear stories of others having family days...bla, bla, bla.

I sound very bitter, and maybe I am. By Monday, I will be okay. But today, I want to wallow.

It has also upset me how alone we are. We are surrounded by friends and family, who all try to support us, but, through no fault of our own, often make it worse. A comment yesterday, when I said we may need to wait until March for our next cycle, was....." well maybe it won't be wise doing at Christmas anyway, so maybe it is a good thing".... they just don't get how painful this is, how every day, it chips a little bit more away from you.

I am rambling on and being incredibly depressing, I apologise. I will pick myself up again soon. It is such a hard journey, and on top of everything else, I am so scared that the next cycle won't work. I want the comfort and stress free experience of the clinic so much, and it's within a fingertips reach. We could start straight away.... and I really feel it is best for us...if only money grew on tree's.

Well, I will turn my sad music off now, say goodnight to the computer and see if I can settle watching the X Factor.

For now, I will say goodnight xxxxxx

Standing up to the world...

I'm sitting here surrounded by things I need to do, and not getting very far. I flit between Babycentre and Facebook, just reading. Productive hey! 

I have just changed this following picture as my cover photograph on Facebook... 

For those just joining, we named our embryo's Chickpea and Baked Bean. Well hubby did, and it grew on me. Friends know about the IVF, but not as public as facebook. I wanted to put up the pictures of our embryo's but I don't think hubby would agree. 

This isn't because I want the world to know our business or because I want sympathy. It is because I feel they were a part of me. Why should I forget them, just because they didn't grow into babies. Friends put pictures of their babies on, and their scan pictures, why shouldn't I have a picture to remember my embryo's by. 

I shouldn't be ashamed because they didn't make it, and I shouldn't have to just move on. I am not sad over the loss anymore. I do sit and think about the journey, what life would be like now had it worked, etc... But I am not wallowing in self pity. However, I do feel that other peoples attitude is this... well it didn't work, your not pregnant, forget it all and move on. 

No I shall not. My first IVF cycle taught me a lot, it had an impact on my life, my marriage, my friendships, my family. Why should I not be proud that we created 2 embryo's and I kept them warm for the time that I did. 

I put photo's of my dog and cat on facebook, so now I have Chickpea and Baked bean on there... 

I may read this back in 6 months and decide I am officially loopy...what do you think?

As time goes on...

It has been a week since my last post and not much to report!

It is that time of month again when you wait in hope that a miracle has happened. However I am sad to report that I do not think it has..

Babies and Bellies are everywhere. It seem's everyone is telling me...''oh you know that person, she has had a baby!'' It takes all my strength not to tell them that I don't care! Which is probably mean, as I am a caring person, but I just don't want to hear it. I do not want my heart ripped out again and again when someone else gets the one thing I have longed for for years.

It was hubby's birthday on the weekend. We went away for a night which was lovely. It took my mind off of things. This will be the 4th birthday that I haven't bought him a dad card. He had one from the dog instead!

It is funny, the strange things that hurt. Like the birthday cards, the empty space under the Christmas tree, the baby aisle in the supermarket. All these things that remind you that you remain childless.

I am rambling. I have been fairly okay since the failed cycle but I am struggling right now. Everything is supposed to go back to normal, I am expected to get over it, people have stopped discussing it and asking if I am okay. I am not an attention seeking type of person and I don't want everyone to fall over trying to help me. However I have this irrational feeling that it shouldn't just be forgotten. Those were my embryo's, my potential babies. My first scan would have been this week. But it is all a past memory in everyone's minds.

Still, I guess time goes on..it has too. We cannot give up. We need to pull our PMA (positive mental attitude) pants up and live life. It will happen, and when it does, I will not let a single person let me take any of it for granted.

xxxx

Day 21 - Got my babies back...

Monday 4th August - The day arrives

Okay, okay,  slightly presumptuous. However that's how I felt. They are my babies. Even if they don't quite make it.

Sorry I am a few days behind again. Find it easier to get my thoughts together and write later.

Got up and showered. No perfumes etc again. A dull day. Raining and overcast. A coat day.

I had breakfast, a glass of milk and a cup of tea. The paperwork I had for Embryo Transfer also told me to drink a litre of water in the hour before I got to the clinic. Hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have drank the tea and milk. I managed 750ml of water on route to the clinic, and when we arrived 30 minutes early, I was bursting. Oh dear.

When we went up, we were shown into a recovery room. The room next to the one I had passed out in at Egg Collection. That brought back memories!! There were other ladies there for their Egg Collection. It was all very surreal. The doctor and embryologist came to see us. They explained that they wanted to put 2 embryo's back, as they were still only at the early blastlocyst stage. This meant that they were unable to grade them, and couldn't tell which was better, so there was a better chance by putting 2 back. We were shocked and stunned. We had been told only one would go back due to my age, so hadn't even considered the possibility. All very exciting.

 After what seemed like forever (the full bladder was an issue!) I went into the treatment room for an ultrasound scan to see if my bladder was full. Ha! The nurse confirmed that I was 'fit to burst' and hurried the doctor in to start.

They coupled up a television screen and showed us our embryo's in the lab. They then started the procedure. The nurse help an ultrasound scanner on my stomach while the doctor did her bit internally. It was uncomfortable, but mainly because of my bladder.

.After minutes, it was all over. I was assured that I was fine to go to the toilet, they wouldn't just 'fall out'

And that was it. I was mummy to two embryos, which were inside me. Hubby and I couldn't wipe the smiles off of our face. It is an incredible feeling. We walked out of there on top of the world.

When home, we settled down with spaghetti on toast to watch a film. It was then that I began to worry. All this happiness, what if it didn't work?

I soon packed it in. I am much more positive now. I have every chance of it happening. So I am going to enjoy this feeling whilst I have it...

Only 8 days to go until we know for sure...

Day 17 - How many Embies?!

Thursday 31st July - Waiting for the call.

Half past 8. That was when my phone rang. A mobile number that I didn't recognised. Whoooop! 

5 out of our 6 eggs fertilised. 

5 little embies are currently relaxing in the clinic. We will get a phone call on Saturday morning to let us know whether the Egg Transfer will be Saturday or Monday. 

I am so, so pleased. I have hope and faith that our babies are growing now - test day in 16 days. 

16 days and I 'may' be seeing that positive! 

Day 16 - Egg Collection

Today (or yesterday - sorry I am a day late) was the day.

I woke at 5. Up and in the shower. Showered with water (no fragrance or scented soaps allowed). Took out/off my jewellery all apart from my wedding band. No deodorant, no make up. In hindsight, maybe I should have gone in my Jim jams! Popped in my cyclogest pessary and thats me done.

Hubby also had to go hair gel and deodorant free. Was a very quick morning getting ready. Popped my slippers and dressing gown in my bag.

Was Nil by Mouth, so no food for me. Just a couple of sips of water. Made our way to the clinic. Traffic was quite heavy despite leaving at 6.45am. I was feeling very nervous. I didn't know what to expect. I have a sickness phobia, so I was terrified of the drugs making me sick.

Got to the clinic at 7.30 and waiting for the time to tick by so we could make our way in at 8am. Time went so slow. I watched people making there way to work, tried to think of everything but what was happening. At 7.50, the door was opened and another couple were making there way in. The nurse spotted us and held open the door for us...here we go....

We were told to go straight up to the treatment room. Inside was a large bed/chair, an armchair, a bedside table. A few magazines and a telly to keep us distracted...yea right!!

Was asked to fill in a couple more forms, then to take two more pessaries. Painkillers this time. Then the anesthetist came to talk to me, and put in my canulla.  That was over quickly and only stung for a while. I then learnt that we were one of 6 couples and I was number 4. Oh... I had 1 hour and a half to wait. I was biting hubby's head off and trying to sink myself into a travel magazine. After what felt like a lifetime my consultant popped her head around the door and asked if I was ready. Ha! No! I was going home!

With my heart beating and my skin clammy, I followed her down to the treatment room. Went into the darkened room and Radio 1 was playing. I led on the bed, with my legs in stirrups. Classy! I was given an anti sickness drug, to calm my nerves, bless them. And then given the sedation. I don't remember much more. It felt like seconds later and they were telling me that it was all over.

I was pushed back to the recovery room in a wheelchair, and got back on my bed, where I stayed for the next hour and a half. I had two glasses of water, a cup of tea and some biscuits. The nurse asked me how I was feeling and I felt fine, just a little tired. She said that if I went to the toilet, I would be able to go home.

I then (probably too quickly) got up from the bed, and went so dizzy. Hubby told me to sit down, and then all goes blank. Apparently I sat on the bed, then fell forward and ended up in a heap on the floor. Apparently I shook the lights downstairs!

Hubby and the nurses managed to pick me up, and it was then that I started coming round. I was given oxygen, and my blood pressure was taken and was very low. I then stayed led down while hubby went to get me a sandwich and some chocolate. I ate some food, and slowly, over time, sat up. About 2 hours later, I got up to move rooms. The nurses wanted to see me in several different environments before I left.

After that, I slowly got dressed. 20 minutes later we then went downstairs to wait in the reception. A total 5 hours after my Egg Collection, we got to go home. I was tired and sore for the rest of the day, but no more fainting!

Think I gave everyone a scare. The best news is that we got 6 eggs! Not enough to egg share though, which I am gutted about, but I am very grateful to be given the chance to continue with my treatment.

It really isn't that bad. The fainting was worse than the procedure, and that was a combination of low blood pressure, low sugar levels and getting up too quickly. I didn't eat that much the day before, due to being so bloated. However, maybe if I'd had a bar of chocolate before I went to bed, maybe that would have helped. I should also have asked for sugar in my tea after the procedure.

Try not to panic. It's not wonderful, but it's IVF. It's full of sacrifices to enable us to have our little miracles.

Back at home, we wait for the fertilisation phone call...

Day 14 - Guardian Angels...

Someone was looking down on me today... 

My mother and I arrived at the clinic a little early, so we went inside to wait. The consultant was in theatre, so we waited a little longer than usual. 

I was a quivering wreck. I was so worried that something may have happened to the remaining follies, and someone would say it was all over. 

We went in, and I explained that we were happy to have full IVF. I had my scan, which was the quietest and longest 5 minutes I have experienced in a long time. 

Once all over, the consultant told me that I have 7 follicles that are mature and ready to go. I also have 1 little follicle that is just a bit behind in growth, but it may catch up, so keeping everything crossed whilst sat here with my hot water bottle on my stomach....grow, follie, grow! 

So Egg Collection is booked for 8am on Wednesday. I will take my trigger shot tonight at 10.15pm. My alarm is set and I'm ready to go. Looking forward to doing my last injection and a drug free day tomorrow. 

I am blessed to be here, in this situation. My dream is getting closer....thank you guardian angel xx

Day 14 - Catching up...

Today is the 14th day since this cycle began, and I have been administering the injections for 13 days.

I also haven't updated for just short of 2 weeks, and for that, I apologise. I wanted to update daily, but it all got on top of me. So, I am going to give a brief update, some days will have more to say than others.

Monday 21st July

My first scan. Hubby had work, and was unable to take the time off, so my mother in law came with me. We got there nice and early, and I had no nerves really. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was just excited to get going!

I went in, and the nurse scanned me first. She counted the follicles, and found 11, however they were still very small, not much growing going on. She went away to talk to the consultant leaving me a bit numb. I know a lot of the lingo words, I know roughly what my medication is doing, but I didn't understand what this meant. Was it bad? Or was I just a bit slower than others.

She came back. They had decided to up my dose of Gonal - F from 150ml to 225ml. Away I went, waiting for the next scan, the day after next. I was worried, but just hoped the increase in Gonal-F would kick in.

Wednesday 23rd July

Again, Hubby was working, so off I went with my mother in law. We got to the clinic, and today I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect and was terrified of the cycle being cancelled. The nurse scanned me again. This time, she counted 13 follicles. Wonderful, I thought. However then she told me that once again, they hadn't grown much, and off she went to talk to the consultant, leaving me to do my injection. 

She came back and said they were keeping me at the same dose and would see me on Friday for my next scan. Then I got emotional. I asked if it was really bad news, and got quite upset. We have waited so long for this, and it wasn't going how i'd imagined it. She was lovely, and reassured me, and told me that I was just slow to respond. I went away, a little grizzly, but ok!

Friday 25th July

Hubby was off, so off we went, driving the hour down to the clinic. I was a nervous wreck! I'd been quite uncomfortable the day before, so was hoping this meant good things. A different nurse today, and she was so lovely. She asked hubby if he wanted to watch the scan and she would show him the follicles etc. She was quite while carrying out the scan, and then said I had 6 good sized follicles, but only 3 others, that were still small.

Off she went to get the consultant, again. Got dressed, only to be told the consultant wanted to scan me. So, another scan, while the silent consultant did her bit. I led on the bed and prayed. It was all I could do. I could feel everything slipping away. When all done and I was dressed, the consultant sat down with ''that face''. I knew then. She said that I didn't have enough follicles to egg share. This meant cancelling the cycle....unless we could cough up £4,650. We had £450 put aside for ICSI, but that was as far as it went.

She left us together, and the nurse brought us a cup of tea, and said that we could take as long as we needed. I completely broke down. How could we have waited so long, struggled so hard and watch it all end here. All we needed was a chance. I couldn't stop thinking that one of the follicles that had tried so hard to grow, could be my baby. How could I just let it... fade away.

We wanted to try and borrow the money, but sitting in the nurse's room isn't the best place to ring round family and friends. The nurse said that it was a big decision that couldn't be made overnight, and that I could carry on with my injections, including my new Orgalutran. (to stop ovulation - more common in people on a antagonist cycle) and come back Monday for a scan, with our decision.

I was a mess, an hour later I was a mess, later that day...can you sense what's coming?!

Our dear friends offered to lend up half of the money, and later that evening members of our family matched this. We have quite a bit to repay, but we are truly blessed to have had this chance. We are so lucky to be able to go forward and I am eternally grateful.

Today - Monday 28th July

So here I am, updated this, ready to go for another scan. I am relieved that we have the funds to carry on, but I am so scared that something else will be negative. I am not overly bloated, I am not very uncomfortable, so what if they have all disappeared. I suppose after 3 negative scans, I will be panicking! I just need to breathe, relax and take each moment as it comes.

I hope that I will be able to positively update later, but if not, then I thank god that I am still here, healthy and alive....

Day 3 - learning the ropes.

So day 3 (Thursday 17th) - the second day of injections. All went ok, in fact it is surprising how quickly you get used to administering them.

I have started a food diary, which includes measures of the amount of protien consumed. It is quite difficult to measure how much you have had, and they advise 65g per day!

So I was quite uncomfortable in the evening. Very bloated. But I think that was due to the amount of food and drink I'd consumed. 3 litres of water and 1 litre of milk is quite a lot!

Hot water bottle again in the evening. Im hoping we are going ahead in the right direction.

Posting on my phone today, so no fancy signature. Keep your eyes peeled for day 4..

Me xxx

Day 2 - The first injection

It seemed like forever watching the clock. I was due to do my injection at 10am, and the time was going so slowly. At 9.53am I took out my purple bag, took my Gonal - F out of the fridge, and put my sharps box in front of me.

Dialling up to 150ml, I decided there was only one thing to do  - just go for it.

So, I did just that. In seconds it was over. Again, not a pain in sight. Possibly a funny sensation whilst the liquid went in, however that could have been my over indulgent imagination!

I was a little shaky for 5 minutes afterwards, but that was most likely the adrenaline. We then got on with our day, and all was fine! There is a little reddish spot there now, but it doesn't hurt.

I found it was a bit of an anti climax. I have spent so long waiting for this day, and it was over in seconds. I am glad that I had lots to do to take my mind off of it.

So I have had 4 litres of water, 2 breasts of chicken among other protein filled foods, 5 brazil nuts, and now I am sitting with a hot water bottle on my belly.

Come on follicles, lets get growing!

And for another day, I say goodnight!

All aboard the IVF train - Day 1

Ok, so firstly must apologise, this should have been posted yesterday as the first official day of our first IVF cycle. We were in the city all day, not getting home until 10pm, and today we have been getting the house ready for a viewing, so I haven't had chance to breathe!

I will try to update daily from here on in. I know how interesting I would  find it, reading a day to day diary, so would like to share, for any like-minded people out there. So I will start from the very beginning!

Monday 14th July

CD1 - AF arrives. After giving up hope. After being on the pill for 2 months, I was unsure how my body was going to react. I was so worried that I would need to delay my scan, that I actually cried with joy! (Shhh, don't tell anyone!)

Tuesday 15th July - Treatment begins

IVF Day 1 - We are an hour away from the clinic, so we were up bright and breezy. We dropped the dog at my mum's and left home around 12.30 for our appointment at 2pm. We went armed with my Supercur, which I needed to hand back in (due to my plan being changed to an antagonist cycle) and my Gonal - F pen, ready to do my injection teach.

The nurses at the clinic really are lovely, and I feel so at ease around them. We talked about the cycle, what was happening regarding drugs and staying calm! She carried out the baseline scan, and said everything looked fine and we were ready to start injecting.

I was told that I would take my first injection the following day (today) and take one every morning for 6 days. I would next be scanned on Monday the 21st to see how things are progressing.

We then did the injection teach using my Gonal - F Pen, but without injecting liquid. I was told to pinch an inch of skin, and then go for it. I did. And honestly didn't feel a thing. It bled a little when I took it out, but nothing to scream about.

I then had more bloods taken to check for transmittable diseases, and then we were ready to go. We handed in our consent forms, paid our HFEA Fee, and went out into the sunshine.

The clinic had a support meeting that evening, so we hung about, grabbed some food, and had a look around the shops. Living in between 2 small towns, it is nice to look around the big city!

At 6.30, we were back at the clinic and meeting another lovely couple who are about to embark on their first IVF cycle. A little behind us, they were keen to hear all about the process so far. One of the nurses was running the support group, and she was wonderful. She explained so much, and answered lots of questions, and really made me feel at home! I didn't want to leave!

We left the clinic, tired but excited for the journey ahead. Going to bed, ready to wake up to my first injection.

So, without further ado, I will pass you on to Day 2 .....