Waiting for the train again...

First I need to apologise for leaving you all with no answers....

After my period arrived early I went into shutdown. I functioned as normal. I smiled, I laughed, I was 'normal'. But on the inside, I was devastated, I wanted to close the door to a dark room and just cry. I wanted someone to tell me why. Answer my question when I asked what happened.

But when I asked, there was silence. No one has an answer. It just didn't work. We tested on the Friday (15th) and saw the result we expected.One line.

I was already prepared, which was good as we were moving house that day. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, painted a smile on and off we went. We were busy that weekend so coped pretty well.

It was hard, because we coped, because we smiled, people assumed I was over it. It was done and gone. But all my hopes and dreams were shattered. The plans I had thought about over and over again.

It get's easier. That I can tell you. You think about it less. It is like a loss. A different type of loss, but still painful. We put so much faith in it working. So much hope in our embryo's.

But...  we have experience now, we know what to expect. My body has been through it already. All those things should mean next time should be a little bit easier.

At our follow up appointment I was told it was just one of those things. I struggled going back there. I was supposed to go back for my viability scan. But instead, I sat in the waiting room, watching a new mum showing the staff her beautiful baby, and waiting to be told where I could go from here.

We had an appointment today at the NHS clinic. It went well and we start our second cycle in December. I am so happy, and feel so blessed.
My great Nan passed away last Sunday. Maybe she is looking down on us. If so, then thank you Nan.
We have our second chance and I am so grateful.

I will keep updating. I am going to take this time to loose some weight, try to build my business, www.sentimentaltreasures.moonfruit.com and enjoy life.

But when that train arrives, I will be the first one on.....

A Little Lost...

There are so many questions that we ask ourselves when we are hurting.

The main one is probably...Why?

After 4 years of trying, 2 years waiting for IVF, 2 weeks of injections, scans and anxiety... why has my body rejected my babies?

I have been focusing everything on the IVF. Counting down the days, the minutes.... now I'm lost. I don't have anything to focus on.

Hubby is holding on to a tiny bit of hope. Hope that we may get a positive result on Friday. But I hold very little hope. I know my own body and know this is a normal period.

I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and focus on the future. All I can think about is when we can do a 2nd round. We need to wait for the NHS now, with a maximum 18 month wait. We are hoping they can back date it for us. 18 months sounds impossible.

I shall dust myself off, just maybe after this tub of ice cream!

Just a little message to all the other ladies dealing with the heartbreak of infertility..you are never alone.

Everything falls apart...

Day 28 - The end?

Sorry, this is a negative post. But, I wouldn't be writing a blog true to how I feel if it wasn't.

Firstly, I had a letter through last week to say we didn't have any embryo's suitable for freezing. That was a blow, but I had every faith left in the two that were with mummy.

However, yesterday I woke up with cramps - normal, possibly down to the progesterone pessaries. However late afternoon, I started bleeding. Only light at first, so could have been implantation. However it is now much heavier.

The consultant has told me to up my progesterone intake, but I think it is probably too late. I think this is probably it. Our first cycle has failed.

I will of course update on the day we do our test. It is then a long wait for us until we can have a second cycle. So I will be taking a break and trying to get my head together.

We are, of course, gutted. A long 4 and a half years have passed since we decided to have a family, and we are still waiting. I have so many questions, and feel so angry.

Hopefully these feelings will slowly disappear and things can go back to normal.

Signing off for now xx

Day 21 - Got my babies back...

Monday 4th August - The day arrives

Okay, okay,  slightly presumptuous. However that's how I felt. They are my babies. Even if they don't quite make it.

Sorry I am a few days behind again. Find it easier to get my thoughts together and write later.

Got up and showered. No perfumes etc again. A dull day. Raining and overcast. A coat day.

I had breakfast, a glass of milk and a cup of tea. The paperwork I had for Embryo Transfer also told me to drink a litre of water in the hour before I got to the clinic. Hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have drank the tea and milk. I managed 750ml of water on route to the clinic, and when we arrived 30 minutes early, I was bursting. Oh dear.

When we went up, we were shown into a recovery room. The room next to the one I had passed out in at Egg Collection. That brought back memories!! There were other ladies there for their Egg Collection. It was all very surreal. The doctor and embryologist came to see us. They explained that they wanted to put 2 embryo's back, as they were still only at the early blastlocyst stage. This meant that they were unable to grade them, and couldn't tell which was better, so there was a better chance by putting 2 back. We were shocked and stunned. We had been told only one would go back due to my age, so hadn't even considered the possibility. All very exciting.

 After what seemed like forever (the full bladder was an issue!) I went into the treatment room for an ultrasound scan to see if my bladder was full. Ha! The nurse confirmed that I was 'fit to burst' and hurried the doctor in to start.

They coupled up a television screen and showed us our embryo's in the lab. They then started the procedure. The nurse help an ultrasound scanner on my stomach while the doctor did her bit internally. It was uncomfortable, but mainly because of my bladder.

.After minutes, it was all over. I was assured that I was fine to go to the toilet, they wouldn't just 'fall out'

And that was it. I was mummy to two embryos, which were inside me. Hubby and I couldn't wipe the smiles off of our face. It is an incredible feeling. We walked out of there on top of the world.

When home, we settled down with spaghetti on toast to watch a film. It was then that I began to worry. All this happiness, what if it didn't work?

I soon packed it in. I am much more positive now. I have every chance of it happening. So I am going to enjoy this feeling whilst I have it...

Only 8 days to go until we know for sure...

Day 20 - The night before...

Sunday 3rd August 

So, here I am, the night before the transfer. The emotions I have are all over the place. I am so excited at the prospect of being pregnant until proven otherwise, however I am scared stiff something will go wrong. 

I woke up last night in so much pain from the egg collection. It had started to get better, and I really am not sure what caused it.  I phoned the out of hours consultant at 4am this morning, and she didn't seem concerned, so I took some paracetamol and managed to sleep. However, today, although uncomfortable, the pain has really died down. It scared me though, and I have been worried all day that this will effect my transfer tomorrow.

Hubby is excited. We can't quite get over the reality of it all. A growing embryo...our embryo... odd! 

I will update tomorrow, and hopefully I will be mummy to a snug little embryo....watch this space!

Lots of love, 

Day 19 - Waiting for Embryo Transfer

Saturday 2nd July - Saturday or Monday?

We were told Embryo Transfer would either be on Saturday 2nd or Monday 4th. However, we wouldn't know which day until Saturday morning. We had to be up, showered, dressed and ready to go by 8am, just in case.

So we sat and waited. At 8.20am we had the call. Our Embryo's are doing well, and will go to day 5, hopefully becoming blastocysts. This meant that we could stand down...we were needed Monday, not today.

This was good. Our embryo's remain strong. We have 1 x grade 1, and 4 x grade 2's. The grading at the clinic is done on a scale of 1-5. I being the best.... and so on.

Although I am thrilled that we can go to blastocyst stage, I feel lost in a funny kind of way. Our embryo's have been conceived, so they should be with us, inside their mum getting nice and snuggly. It feels odd that our (potential) baby is an hour away. Weird I know!

So we got on with our day, trying to keep busy, but we both agree that emotionally, this is one strange time!

Day 17 - How many Embies?!

Thursday 31st July - Waiting for the call.

Half past 8. That was when my phone rang. A mobile number that I didn't recognised. Whoooop! 

5 out of our 6 eggs fertilised. 

5 little embies are currently relaxing in the clinic. We will get a phone call on Saturday morning to let us know whether the Egg Transfer will be Saturday or Monday. 

I am so, so pleased. I have hope and faith that our babies are growing now - test day in 16 days. 

16 days and I 'may' be seeing that positive!