Already in love with you...

Who can relate to this quote... I know I can. As mental as it sounds, I am already attached to my baby... I love my baby. The baby who is yet to come.

Operation Positive

It is a week until my baseline scan. All being well, it then all kicks off. 

We are so close. For the first time since we found out about hubby's Azoospermia I am struggling. Since the diagnosis we have known that we wouldn't get pregnant, so I guess we focused on other things. We were on a long NHS waiting list, and had to do just that. In that time, I could cope with bumps and babies. 

Now that we are so close, I am getting emotional. I have people all around me that are trying to conceive, people who are having babies, people planning on trying to conceive. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased and happy for them. But it doesn't seem fair. We have been trying for over 4 years, we have dreamt of bringing our baby home for that long, and it is so hard to watch others do it with ease. 

I am sure I am not alone. I am sure there are thousands of ladies that feel exactly the same. A maternal instinct that has to be compressed because we haven't got what nature intended. 

So ''Operation Postive'' starts today. In about 3 weeks, I will be having my egg collection. A few days later, a strong and perfect little embie will be finding a snug place to nest. Two weeks after that, I will be seeing those two lines. And this time next year, I will be looking at our miracle. Because, this is going to happen. I will be a Mummy.

So here is your assignment .... you are also going to carry out ''Operation Positive''. I don't care where you are in your fertility journey. You will today set yourself a timeline. You will tell yourself you will do it, you will achieve it, and you will become a Mummy too. 

We need to keep this positive attitude. Because, we should not have to go through life feeling negative. Together, we will all have our miracle babies ... have hope. 

Overwhelmed...

A friend had a baby today. I am, of course, pleased for her, but my god it hurts. I didn't feel it when she told me this morning. But now, as I sit here on my own, I just can't seem to shake off the knot lying in my chest.

I haven't felt like this in a while. While knowing we couldn't conceive, but treatment being a while away, I have been calm, and have coped with babies and pregnancy. Suddenly, knowing that pregnancy MAY be weeks away, I have been overwhelmed with emotion.

I am trying so hard to be positive, trying to imagine a BFP. But it so hard when a voice is muttering ''why would I be that lucky'' in my head.

We have to sign our consent forms. That's exciting! However, I have to tick to say that I agree to abandon the cycle if I do not get enough eggs to egg share. I have to have over 8. If I get under 8, my little eggs that I have grown, will just fade away because we cannot afford a full IVF cycle.

I am struggling to understand why so many ladies, who just want to be a mum, struggle for years. We are put on a roller-coaster of emotions, a roller-coaster of hope, and fear, and strength and faith, of worry and hurt, of anxiety and of excitement. A journey of tears and laughter. A dream that keeps revolving. There is no end, it just goes round and round.

Many ladies get that BFP so soon. They see the heartbeat and learn the sex. They meet their bundle of joy. A lady could do all that 4 times in the time that I have been trying. A lady I know is just about to have her 3rd baby. I have seen each one come into the world, in the time that we have been trying.

Please don't think this is a negative post, as it is not. I am hopeful that it will work. I am praying I will get to see that second line. I am just trying to express how I feel, in the hope that this pressure on my chest will go away. This pain will evaporate into the night sky.

To all you ladies out there, the ones that feel the same pain, I am right with you. I understand. I am sending you hugs. We WILL be mummies. I will take myself off to bed now, tomorrow is another day.

A little bit longer...

So my post title today should be 'Day 2'. Infact, I should have updated you all yesterday on my first injections.

So, got to the clinic, armed with my meds, only to be told I was booked in at 2, not 10.30. Oh dear. I am so, so sure that I was correct. I remember writing the time in my diary whilst on the phone booking the appointment. However, it is possible that my brain has turned to mush...

Anyway, they were really good and said fitting me in was no problem. When waiting in the waiting area, I heard the nurse on the phone discussing me. We went into the nurse's room, only to be told that they were changing my plan. (jaw dropping moment)

Due to being slightly polycystic, my cycle is now being changed to an Antagonistic Cycle. Now, I am, unfortunately, not a specialist, and would rather not put false google information on here, but I think this means that they will use a drug to postpone ovulation that is not as likely to cause OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).

Obviously, I am grateful and somewhat relieved that they are trying to ensure the cycle goes as well as possible, but I was very disappointed. I have spent weeks psyching myself up to do injections, and was so excited that the 1st July was the start of my IVF. Suddenly, I am told that I have another 2 weeks to wait.

I feel better about it now. I just pray that it is as effective as the other drugs. I will now come off the pill on the 10th of July, ready (hopefully) for my baseline scan on the 15th.

So now we wait. And continue to dream of the day we see our BFP. It won't be long!

The countdown begins...

It's been a few weeks since my last post I am afraid. Things have been getting on top of me quite a bit. I don't feel stressed about the IVF, but everything else is getting on top of me more than normal, so I guess it is bothering me, sub-consciously.

This is the countdown now, and I am going to do my best to update daily once treatment begins. I will try to add as much about the treatment, my diet, what I am doing etc. I know I find reading other people's journey's interesting, and it helps me to get my head around everything. 

So, a week today I would have had my injection teach and done my first injection. 

But for now I will continue to take my 500mg of Metformin (waiting for a call from the consultant to see if they want me to up my dose), my contraception pill, and my folic acid and vitamins.

We had a letter through from the clinic yesterday to say that our donor sperm is now waiting and safe in the clinic! Madness!  

But for today, I will say goodnight... 

Special Delivery...

Oh my bloomin goodness. A man in a van turned up today with a very normal looking box with my name on it. To anyone else, it was just a box. Something I'd ordered online. I was so excited. This was all about to get very real. 

So I ripped open the box to see what was inside... and nearly fainted at the 60 needles for the Suprecur, the 60 pen applicators for the Bursulin, and the sharps box! 

I officially have all of my IVF drugs!! I thought I would take some pictures. I know I have always found it helpful and interesting to see other people's photo's to get a feeling of what to expect... 

I was even given a lovely bag to keep it all in - however, as you can see, some of it needs to sit in the fridge and chill! 

So we are one step closer....next job is to order our sperm..... I shall be back to let you know how that goes. 

Let's be happy..

Ok, so firstly I wanted to apologise for that awfully depressing post yesterday. I just realised I forgot to put labels on it to make it easier to search. I am so thankful for this!! 

I was having one of those days, where you feel lost. Today is a better day and I am being happy, happy, happy. 

I talked to the clinic again yesterday, and it looks as though we are on for the original date. So in 3 weeks and 6 days, I will be on my way to my injection teach, and doing my first injection. 

Aaaaaah. I'm scared. I'm not terrified of needles, but doing it myself! Please someone tell me it is ok. 

It's a scary journey, this one. Full of ups and downs. I used to wonder why there was so much emphasis on the stress around IVF but I understand now, and I haven't even started treatment yet. I have so much admiration for every person, be it single or in a couple, that walk this path. 

I am now on metformin, watching my diet, drinking my 2 litres a day, and craving every bad food (that I don't usually eat anyway!!) because I am being so good. Hubby did bring me home some chocolate yesterday.... mmmmmmm so good! 

So from me today...... 

Take care guys,